You have new erections
- "You shall not pass!"
- ―Ahsoka Tano to Sabine Wren
- "*sniff* I wish No Soup-a were here to enjoy this..."
- ―Anakin Skywalker, in a cut scene from Revenge of the Sith
Ashoka Tano, Ahsoka, Faggot, Snip Snip, Gandalf, or better known as her true Togruta name No Soup-a With-a Buffet was a Padawan of Ani Skywalker (the first of about a dozen Padawans Skywalker will eventually be revealed to have taken, unless we miss our guess).
God George Lucas made Ashoka for that one kiddy show, which ruined Star Wars forever. Ani and Ashoka fought in that one war and Ahsoka did it with Captain Rex many, many times. Ultimately, Ashoka proved to be just another whinny horny bitch for Ani and became EVERYONE'S ENEMY (except for Rex and his lover Cody). Fanboys, Fangirls, Goodwood, Mandalorians, every Star Wars fan all want to kill her…Especially, <insert name here>. Thankfully she died while still training under Ani, who vowed to raise her like what all dads tend to do with their snot nosed kids but instead, he went all evil and shit and decided butcher her on Byss… ah, for fun.
As a kid, her parents mistreated her and her friends (assuming the snot had friends) at school and stabbed her in the back for watching "Monsters vs Aliens", and no one ever had the balls to sit next to her due to her juvenile behavior and her ugliness. Whenever her mom left for work weekend mornings, her callous father would... I think you get the point. By the time she was eight, MANDALORIAN!! raiders thrashed her home, raped her mother, choked her father with his own head tails, and left them for dead. Two hours have passed since the crisis and she was discovered under a pile of rubble by a wasted cockroach. He then took her to train in the ways of the force, which began to ruin Star Wars forever.
Life as a Jedi
To Ahsoka, becoming a Jedi sounded like a kick ass experience but like at home, she still didn't have
enough any friends. Even the masters abhorred her idiotic behavior by programing the training remotes to attack her as apart of a joke. By the time she hit puberty- oh boy! Do you really want me to explain this? You sick bastards! In hopes of scoring a teenage Jedi boy, she'd wait until all witnesses are clear and then she strips naked in front of <insert name here> while dancing to Britney Spears' Toxic... No one every made Purple rain with the anorexic Togruta. Now let me ask all you perverted fan boys dudes one thing. Would you make love to this young, thin teenager and lick her boobless chest for nothing? It's like she escaped from Sesame Street or some shit and started a kiddy rampage through the movies we fucking grew up with! Why can't you sick fucks at least drool over Aayla Secura rather than an annoying kid!? It's cool that the masters found out about her perverted behavior and put her under the guidance of The Emo One in hopes of controlling her horny level... Nothing ever changed since. But time and time went on and Ashoka became horny around her new master, who happens to be a crybaby just like her. She starred in that one fucking kiddy show where she DIED! erm...died. Or another fact, Ashoka lived with Ani until he went all evil and became the most badass Sith Lord ever!! Vader took the bitchy No Soup-a to that one planet, where he charred and butchered Ashoka for fun! A true fanboy, fangirl, <insert name here>'s dream.
Later in her life, Ahsoka met the esteemed blue promiscuous woman, and during brief moments with her during the staged disagreement trained with her to the delight of her Master (who was as we all know eagerly looking for my female objects to objectify too). During this time, an incident happened, in which the aforementioned master was knocked out. Due to her (audiences) innocence, Ahsoka had never before realized her master was indeed a pervert, Secura helped her realize this, when they tried to revive Anakin.
Behind the scenes
- "Ahsoka provides the crucial missing link in Anakin's psyche, i.e., how could he bring himself to slaughter so many young Jedi?"
No Soup-a was initially created for the television/toy franchise "Bratz," but was borrowed by George Lucas when he realized the creators of The Clone Wars TV series, that one kiddy show, weren't going to make Anakin annoying enough.
Lucas' continuity advisors cautioned against introducing a Padawan for Anakin, who not only never mentioned having a Padawan in Revenge of the Sith but also hardly seemed like the kind of guy they would allow to have a Padawan. Lucas has stated that his explanation for this seeming discrepancy was that the Jedi Council, in choosing a master for No Soup-a, considered which Jedi Knight was most in need of a bratty, back-talking adolescent dipshit. The deliberations took about thirty seconds.
Lord Disney wanted more cash. So Ashoka lives, becomes slightly cooler and gets over puberty. And kills a weak guy named the the Sixth Brother who was weak. She also got some badass white Lightsabers.
Star Wars Rebels
Ashoka helped the Ghost Crew under her codename, Death Stick. Sorry, Fulcrum. She eventually came into the light to help the Rebels. So the Rebels now had Ashoka, Kanan Jarrus and Ezra Bridger as Jedi helpers and saviors. Ashoka eventually learns the truth that her whiny former master was the badass Sith Lord Darth Vader. She goes with Kanan and Ezra to Malachor where they are attacked by helicopter Inquisitors. With help from Maul, they kill the three Inqusitors. But Maul betrays them, and blinds Kanan, Ashoka runs wash and Maul falls of a cliff. I'm not making this up. Ashoka comes back to face Vader, and Ezra and Kanan leave her fighting him. The temple blows up shortly after. However, Ashoka lived again.
Eventually, Ahsoka was able to leave Malachor and sometime after the climactic Battle of Endor, she traveled to Lothal on a T-6 shuttle to meet with Sabine Wren, who sought to search for Bridger. Sabine noticed her Gandalf look and asked her why she was cosplaying him. Ahsoka replied with "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Ahsoka used her stick to insert it inside Sabine's vagina. Ahsoka furiously masturbated Sabine until she started squirting painted cum.Afterwards, Ahsoka used the Force to track Hera Syndulla and her son that looks nothing like a Human/Twi'lek hybrid. She located them and took off Hera's ugly makeup and cut off Jacen's hair, replacing it with robotic Lekku. She left the Ghost, but placed a tracker on it in case they tried to do anything. She went back to Lothal to see if Sabine had recovered from her orgasm. Sabine was able to recover a little bit, but she was still weak. Ahsoka grabbed Sabine and took her to the ship she calls "Snippy". They flew off the planet and Ahsoka used the Force to locate Ezra Bridger. She saw where Ezra was and what he was doing, which disturbed Ahsoka.
- ↑ That book I can't remember the name of or find, but it's definitely in there so if you remove the info again I will have you banned
- ↑ Why, George Lucas!!!
- ↑ Dave Filoni confirms Ahsoka Tano is alive.
- ↑ Ahsoka Tano is now Gandalf in Dave Filoni's Star Wars Rebels.