- Dooku: "I sense many whines in you, Young Skywalker, but you don't use them."
- Anakin: "You'll find I'm full of surprises."
- — Dooku and Anakin, in battle
Anakin Skywalker, also "Mannequin", Annie, Ani, Waaanikin, The Emo One, The Chosen One Who Cries or Cry Me A River (AKA Crybaby) was a legendary, very tall, very whiny hippie Jedi. He was the biggest crybaby the Jedi had ever seen in 25,000+ years. His tears ran like a mighty river down his pudgy, scarred face. Anakin never had a father... and not even in an emo "father of mine, where have you been" way. His
monster mother, Shmi Skywalker, had relations with the Force, or maybe that one ugly Muun, Darth Plagueis, who could influence the midi-chlorian sperm cells to create... life. Anakin Skywalker became a powerful Jedi Knight, a whiny neurotic, a self-satisfied git, and the unlikely lover of Padmé Amidala. One thing Anakin Skywalker was not, however, was Darth Vader. They were completely different people! Honestly. Darth Vader was a bad-ass Sith Lord who inspired generations. Anakin Skywalker... well, just wasn't. So if you're looking for a Darth Vader article, follow the link. This is only about the pussy from the prequels. He was kind of cool in the clone wars but quickly became a whiny ass again.
The Phantom TearsEdit
- "Will..." *sniff* "I ever see you again, Mommy?"
- ―Anakin, leaving his mama, as the tears begin to fall
George Lucas The Maker first created Anakin Skywalker way, way back when, at the dawn of time. His mother, Shmi Skywalker, was an honest, hardworking slave on the desert world of Tatooine. Let's face it, she had to be honest and hardworking, because she was none too pretty to look at. Shmi made the dubious claim that Anakin had no father. Right. Some speculate that she must have had a crazy wild night with some dude she later called "the Force," but little did she know that was his porn name. Weeks later she felt something in her belly, and it wasn't gas; actually, it was Ani's first tantrum. Shmi raised the young Anakin while she was traded among a series of owners, including Gardulla the Hutt and eventually the junk-dealer Watto, the pan-ethnic jewish merchant Toydarian and desperately horny guy who ran a shop in Mos Espa. He was single and had loads of cash, but couldn't marry anyone (or anything) so he bought a woman... with a kid, Anakin Skywalker. Not bad of a deal, or so he thought. Anakin and his mother toiled away at Watto's Place, earning nothing but their room and board and crappy meals. Anakin earned his keep by repairing old machinery. Well, it's not as if he had any other talents. He certainly couldn't act.
Purely by chance, Anakin was discovered by Darkman, er... Qui-Gon Jinn, who was passing by Tatooine after having escaped the Mafia on Nabooboo. The meeting was entirely a coincidence, but Qui-Gon mistakenly believed that the young boy was mystically gifted and that meeting him was "the will of the Force" or something. Qui-Gon was always saying things like that. Anakin had Qui-Gon immediately pegged for a sucker and dragged him and his traveling companions, including Jar Jar Binks, a postgraduate Obi-Wan Kenobi, and a girl called "Padmé", back home to meet his mom. He also grabbed Padmé and dragged her into his room to show her the droid he had built... which was... C-3PO? C-3PO's attempt at comic relief fell flat, and Padmé wandered off, leaving Anakin to cry a river of tears. Later, after a long, dreary dinner, Qui-Gon decided to bring Anakin back to the
Westboro Baptist Church Jedi Temple on Coruscant to become a Jedi.
Unfortunately, they had no money to buy slaves (otherwise they would have stocked up on hot Twi'lek girls). So they had to bet a bunch of money on podraces. This podrace took approximately eight years from start to finish. Anakin was a barely competent racer and relied mostly on luck and plot convenience... and even so, he'd never even finished a race, let alone won. More often than not, the superstar Dug podracer Sebulba came in first; either him or Dick Dastardly. Jabba the Hutt himself oversaw the races, and he invited Gardulla to watch (best not to speculate how their evening turned out). The race began, and Sebulba immediately zoomed out into the lead, but Anakin slowly caught up, because the script said he would. Truth be told, Ben Quadinaros should have won, but with a flick of his pen, George Lucas sabotaged his racer, leaving Anakin to cross the finish line number one. The mysterious and deadly Darth Fodesinbeed Annodue did the announcing and color commentary for the race, which was really, really annoying.
Before Qui-Gon left Tatooine with his newly bought slave-boy, he tested Anakin's blood for a midi-chlorian count and was stunned at the results. He needed a second opinion, so he asked Vegeta what his scouter said. Vegeta shouted, "IT'S... quite high, actually." Thus convinced that Anakin was the Chosen One or something, Qui-Gon brought Anakin to Coruscant. A party broke out all across Tatooine when they heard the news bratty Annie was leaving. The party lasted three days. Even the Hutts joined in. A true celebration indeed. (In fact, after the Battle of Endor, when Palpatine died, they just recycled the HoloNet footage from Ani's departure.) They called it Boonta Eve, which in some ancient language means "Kid Gone!"
Little Ani was brought to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. The Jedi Council's reaction to the young boy was decidedly negative. Yoda was not amused with the little fat boy with a Snickers bar in one hand and a tear falling down his pudgy face. Mace Windu, the bald man sitting next to Yoda, was unimpressed. None of the Jedi wanted to train him. Mace Windu said he was "too old," meaning "too white," and Yoda couldn't stand him, and Beldar Conehead hated his tiny head, and Fiona the Ogre was too busy pleasuring Yoda to even notice. Yoda told Gin, er... Jinn that "This boy is not the Chosen One, but a whiny bitch filled with fear." So, unfortunately, it fell upon Obi-Wan Kenobi to train Anakin as his Padawan. This marked the first time Obi-Wan shouted "Noooooooo!"
Obi-Wan tried to tell Qui-Gon, "The boy is dangerous, and his tears will get in the way of everything he does." Little Ani told Jinn, in a cutesy way, that he didn't want to be a problem. Qui-Gon, however, ignored the advice of every other Jedi in the galaxy and left to bring Queen Amidala (who he still didn't realize was Padmé) back to Nabooboo and fight off the robots of the Trade Federation. He also brought Jar Jar Binks along, hoping to throw him quietly out an airlock on the trip over. It is worth mentioning here that prepubescent Anakin had started perving on Padmé ever since he dragged her into his room to show off his droid. He started pestering her with faux-cute come-ons, like "Are you an angel?" and "Can we live together?" and "Can I please suck on your boobies?" Padmé, however, did not return the creepy boy's affections and thus become a sex criminal. The group arrived at Nabooboo. Unfortunately, the battle became needlessly complicated. Anakin somehow wound up in a crappy old Naboo N-1 starfighter with R2-D2 in the astromech droid slot. Then, after a panic attack and half an hour of sobbing, he used his experience playing Nintendo Wii to single-handedly destroy the droid control ship. Unfortunately, back on the planet, Qui-Gon had been challenged to a duel by Darth Maul, who PWNed the old hippie good. With his dying words, Qui-Gon told Kenobi to train the boy. Well? Did he? He did... unfortunately. Little did Obi-Wan know that Qui-Gon was actually saying "Train him," as in the Coruscant slang term for "throw-him-in-front-of-a-mutha-effing-train".
Growing up in kids' booksEdit
- "Master Obi-Wan didn't let me go to the Fall Out Boy concert, so I spent the day cutting"
- ―Anakin Skywalker
Throughout his adolescence, Anakin had a series of adventures that didn't really lead anywhere. This is because George Lucas deemed him valuable to a certain "junior reader" demographic and pumped out many such books. He constructed his first lightsaber in the caves of Ilum, faced an imaginary Force vision of Darth Maul, kicked its ass, and woke up with a pretty blue lightsaber blade. Apparently, this was one of those morality mini-games. If he'd joined forces with Maul, he'd have gotten a red blade. If he'd leapt into Maul's arms and made passionate love to him, he'd have gotten a purple blade.
Anakin's adventures as a Padawan alongside Obi-Wan were repetitive and mostly pointless. He was friends with Ferus Olin and Siri Tachi... then not friends with them, then friends again, then felt betrayed by them, then betrayed them back, then fought with them, then passed notes back and forth to them in class. It was all very, very emo. He went to Hoth, to Falleen, to Korriban, protected a senator here, tracked down a rogue Jedi there, negotiated a border dispute, blah blah blah. There was one interesting mission where he and Obi-Wan attempted to track down a missing Jedi named Vergere, who had last been spotted on the planet Zonama Sekot. They never found her, but Anakin did get a sweet biological starship out of the deal... which died because he forgot to water it properly. Oh, and Anakin used the Force to kill a guy in a hideous, hideous way. No foreshadowing there. He later got arrested for crying too much and cried during his three days in jail. He was let out due to his whining. Even Cad Bane hated him.
Attack of the TearsEdit
- "We've been assigned to protect Padmé Amidala after a terrorist attack on her life."
"Padmé? Ooh, boobs! Do you think she still likes me?"
"Anakin, did you hear me? Someone's trying to kill her!"
"Should I wear something that shows of my killer abs?"
- ―Obi-Wan and Anakin
In 22 BBY Senator Padmé Amidala (no longer Queen), a.k.a. Panda Bear, was the target of an attempted assassination by Zam Wesell. The Jedi Council assigned Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker as her personal protection to escort her back home. Anakin had become a tall, whiny emotional horny teenager and didn't care in the slightest that someone was attempting to kill Padmé, only that he could see her again and score, now that he was legal age. Before meeting Padmé that day, Anakin spent many hours "cleaning the pipes." Obi-Wan and Anakin rode up in the elevator to Padmé's apartment, and Anakin could not hide his raging boner from his Jedi Master... who probably misinterpreted it... but when the elevator doors opened, Anakin was met by the ultimate boner-killer, Jar Jar Binks, who gave him a big hug and started shouting things like "mooie mooie" and "me so smilin," and Anakin had a perfect opportunity to kill him right then and there, but he didn't because he was a wimp.
Finally, Anakin was confronted by Padmé, his unrequited love who was ten years older than him or whatever... and Anakin began sputtering. "Ooh, lady, beautiful, smell good, boobies, pretty, fishnets, touch rub woman pooter happy!" Padmé replied, "Um, yes, well, nice to see you again." Anakin nodded shyly and replied, "I pleasure myself to your picture." Then there was a very long, awkward pause, and they started talking about the assassination attempt.
Their plan to catch the killer was simple: wait for somebody to kill Padmé, then run after the killer really fast, and then they'd know who it was. Zam Wesell made another attempt to kill her that night, this time with a couple of poison worms dropped in her window by a floaty-poison-worm-dropping droid. Eh. Did I mention Zam Wesell was a shapeshifter? She never actually used any shape-shifting abilities in any of her assassination attempts, though. Obi-Wan and Anakin waited for the worms to crawl onto Padmé's face before saving her, because there was more dramatic tension that way. Then they had a bizarre chase scene all over Coruscant trying to catch Zam. Obi-Wan jumped out Padmé's window (which was hundreds of stories in the air) and managed to catch the floaty droid somehow, while Anakin stole Senator Simon Greyshade's airspeeder. What a dick.
After a long, drawn-out, utterly implausible chase through the buildings and traffic of Coruscant, Obi-Wan and Anakin caught Zam Wesell in a weird high-class cantina called the Outlander Club filled with glittered-covered prostitutes. Anakin cleverly bested Zam by cutting off her hand with his lightsaber! Ha! Bet she never saw that one coming. Because it was really kind of vindictive and unnecessary. Anyway, it turned out Zam had been working for the awesome, badass MANDALORIAN!! bounty hunter Jango Fett (who showed up and killed her with a saberdart before she could rat on him).
Obi-Wan Kenobi went on a detective hunt for Jango, but Anakin was such a whiny emo wimp that he got scared and ran off to Nabooboo with Padmé to "keep her safe." R2-D2 was sent along with Anakin and Padmé to act as her "Virgin Alarm." The two awkward young adults spent a lot of time doing nothing on Nabooboo, sharing uninspired dialogue, meeting Padmé's parents, rolling around in a field of wheat and pretending it was accidental, going to state fairs and laughing while winning kewpie dolls, etc. Anakin made extra sure that no one would sneak into Padmé's bedroom and rifle through the panties and lingerie in her armoire by carefully cataloging the contents every night and every morning to see if any were missing, and also rubbing the soft fabric on his face to see if there were any variations in temperature that would indicate an intruder had touched them.
Eventually, in a scene that crackled with passion, or possibly just static electricity from the clothes dryer, Anakin and Padmé met in a dark room next to a fireplace, snuggled together on a couch, and Anakin revealed every deep, dark, perverted fantasy he'd ever had about the Senator who was ten years older than he was. Padmé nodded nervously and thanked God that she was keeping an audio recording of all this, just in case she ever had to have Anakin arrested later on. They shared their first creepy kiss, but then Padmé cock-blocked him just for the heck of it. The midi-chlorians in Anakin's testicles began to turn blue, and his attempts to get Padmé in the sack became more and more desperate. He even tried going on an insane tirade about how much he hated sand, hoping she'd somehow take pity on him, but even that didn't work. So finally, Anakin gave up and ran off to Tatooine to cry to his mommy.
Unfortunately, when Anakin arrived at Tatooine, he discovered his mommy had been raped and murdered by Sand People, so he got all mad and fussy and committed the most whiny genocide in the history of the galaxy, slaughtering Sand People by the dozen, including women and children. Even worse, some believe he may have made some of the Sand People arrange themselves in naked pyramids while he pointed at their wangs. Then he showed up at Padmé's doorstep, drunk and rambling about how he'd committing a mass murder, thinking maybe this was the one thing that would convince her to be his girlfriend, but no dice. More frustrated than ever at not being able to get laid, Anakin ran off to Geonosis to fight in the Clone Wars.
Unfortunately, Anakin was a moron and landed his ship next to a weird robot factory that looked like something out of Mega Man 3. Anakin, Padmé, C-3PO, and R2-D2 played through the factory levels, but unfortunately, they ran out of extra lives and got captured by Jango Fett and Count Dookie and sent to the Geonosis Arena, where the losers go. Only the whiny, bitchy pleading of Ani spared the group from immediate execution.
Out of the blue, Padmé told Ani she loved her... uh, him. Turns out that Panda Bear didn't care for the emotional brat at first, but soon realized that there was more than just tears to Ani. They were about to start humping like rabbits, but Ani was jealous that he didn't bang-bang Aayla Secura... Oh what a shame. But if he had done it with her, not only would the fanboys want to be an emotional, horny bratty teenager, they would fall in love with the man who swept the sexy hot Twi'lek off her feet. I bet you want to sweep Aayla Secura off her feet, too? Eh? Well, too bad, she's married. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... erm... Anyway.
Count Dookie couldn't take it! He took out his ultimate weapon and cut off Ani's arm!!!. That was a bad mistake. For Ani, the tears rolled down his face, and in a matter of minutes... The planet of Geonosis was engulfed in a massive flood. Mace Windu showed up next, impressing everyone with his baldness, and told that motherfracking whiny bitch to shut up. And did he? He did...Thank God. It was then when Ani and Pandabear, along with her toy droid C-3PO, a.k.a. See-Three-Pee-O.o, and R2-D2, went back to Nabooboo yet again. Crybaby Ani and Panda Bear got married, and so did the droids... Wait? What?
Several seasons of Epic Fail, and TearsEdit
Anakin then spent several years fighting side by side with Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Clone Wars. For some reason, nobody ever noticed that he and Padmé were married, because it was a super-secret marriage performed by a droid from Las Vegas. The Jedi Council gave Anakin his very own Padawan, Ahsoka Tano, on the advice of Yoda himself, and together, the two formed the Whiny Bitch Club. Ahsoka, or No Soup-a With-a Buffet, who was also a whiny emotional bitch (thanks God for this great pairing!), fought alongside with Anakin, and the two of them shared a very creepy relationship of awkward jokes, murder, underage sex, and karaoke.
Let me explain about The Clone Wars. No, there is too much, and it all sucks. Let me sum up. Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka spent years fighting Dooku, General Grievous, and Asajj Ventress, but nobody ever actually managed to kill anybody else, except for dozens of minor characters who kept dying all around them. Also, Anakin went to the fantasy world of Mortis, where he met The Father, The Daughter, and The Son, and learned he was in fact The Chosen One, whatever the hell that means. They also fought Nightsisters, peacenik New Mandalorians and the semi-tough Death Watch.
Anakin soon discovered he was bad with women, and somehow found
love care and moral support with his "Master" Obi-Wan Kenobi (a heterosexual Jedi who happened to have a drinking problem, but didn't enjoy "pink stuff"), who he kindly referred to as "Oh Big One" Kenobi. In order to hide his "rose side," Anakin pretended to be macho and played up his sham marriage to Panda Bear, although, let's face it, whenever they had sex, Anakin was thinking of Obi-Wan, while Padmé was thinking of Mon Mothma. Finally, in the lonely fields of the Clone Clone Wars (some party in Outer Rim, some say all night long rave parties), Anakin found love with "Oh Big One". Ani never quit trying to "recruit" Kenobi to the "rose side".
There was also the horny No Soup-a With-a Buffet, Ahsoka Tano, who he kept on running into before he could engage with his wife or his master. It's a shame she got a lightsaber shoved up her ass before she could have quadruple... (um, yeah, you get the picture) with "Oh Big One" and Panda Bear. The two Jedi became great whiny bitches, and together they will destroy your planet!!... erm... Sith Mega-Super-Overlords, with their tears. Pssh. Though, of course that won't happen because Ashoka, yes Ashoka, died early and horribly, which made Ani more of a friggin' crybaby. Though he had a hot wife to go back to for comfort, wink wink.
Revenge of the TearsEdit
- "AAAAH... NOOO..."
- ―Anakin, burning without limbs
It was just another typical day in the Clone Wars, when all of a sudden the Battle of Coruscant broke out. General Grievous invaded Coruscant and kidnapped Palpatine, who had secretly planned it all along, which doesn't make much sense, but anyway, Anakin and Obi-Wan jumped in their tiny little Eta-2 interceptors and flew off to rescue the Supreme Chancellor. Suddenly, Anakin and Obi-Wan realized they were no longer computer animation but actual flesh and blood! (Everything else was still computer animation.) Realizing that he was once again being portrayed by Hayden Christiansen, Anakin cranked up his whining again, which had subsided somewhat during the Matt Lanter years.
Anakin triumphantly... er, crashed his starfighter in General Grievous's flagship. Then he and Obi-Wan made their way into Count Dooku's command tower. Dooku appeared and challenged the two Jedi to a duel. "You can't win," explained Dooku. "I'm a main character and immune to death." Anakin smirked and said, "Look again, Dooku! We're not CGI anymore. That means we're back in the movies, and I can actually kill you." "Oh, shit," said Dooku, and the fight began. Dooku managed to defeat Obi-Wan, but Anakin was suddenly filled with the Force and the irresistible power of plot convenience and defeated Dooku, slicing off his hands and rendering him helpless.
Palpatine cackled and said, "Good. Kill him." Anakin was confused for a moment, saying, "Wait, wait, that's not the Jedi way. Are you sure?" "Oh, yeah, yeah," said Palpatine. "I mean, for one thing, it'll be a great public image boost for me. We can make a movie about it and stuff. And besides, doesn't it feel good to be out of that Clone Wars show where nobody can die? Let's just kill him to celebrate." So Anakin shrugged and cut Dooku's head off. It didn't feel as cool and cathartic as he was hoping, but hey, he hadn't seen a head bounce around since Jango Fett, and every little bit helps.
So Anakin set Palpatine free, carried his master Obi-Wan on his shoulders, and set off to find an escape pod or something. Obi-Wan woke up to find himself staring at Anakin's butt. No, seriously, that's canon. Check the novelization. Matthew Stover has a weird sense of humor. And it definitely furthers the "rose side" bits of this article, which were not written by Enochf, but who kept them in because you don't go around deleting other users' shit; you work around it. Anyway, Anakin then triumphantly... got himself captured by General Grievous and had to be rescued by R2-D2. He made everyone swear not to mention that part of the rescue to the news media when they got back. He was able to defeat Grievous, but not kill him, because killing off two major characters in a single battle would be overkill, and would consequently give Obi-Wan little to do in the second act except stare at Anakin's butt some more. So Grievous escaped, and Dooku's flagship exploded and began descending into the atmosphere of Coruscant. Fortunately, Anakin had some leftover skill points in Piloting from his younger days and managed to crash-land in a curiously uninhabited portion of the giant city-planet.
Well, that was exciting. Now things got very, very boring in Anakin's life. He had an emotional reunion with his sweet, loving, sexy wife Panda Bear, who informed him that she was pregnant, and the most likely candidates for the baby daddy were Bail Organa, Watto, Fang Zar, Mon Mothma... or, dun-dun-dun, Anakin. "That's wonderful," said Anakin, through gritted teeth, muttering under his breath, "Why did those stupid midi-chlorians have to break the condom, why, why, why?"
From that point on, Anakin had problems. A lot of problems. As you can see, he had already led an emotional life. First, his mommy died... I mentioned that, right? Then he discovered his sweet, loving, sexy wife, who he was mildly attracted to, was pregnant. And one night he experienced his most emo Force vision of all, discovering his wife was prophesied to die in childbirth! Anakin had to save his wife, so the two of them could have much relations, or else Anakin's tears would flow like a mighty river.
Palpatine somehow got word of this. First he suggested killing the baby, because he always suggested killing people as the first solution to any problem. Then he played on the whiny emotional horny Anakin's fears and told him about Darth Plagueis, who might kinda sorta be able to create life with the Force or something. He promised that the Dark Side could safe Padmé's life, and Anakin and Padmé could even keep their own doctor. When all this was happening, Obi-Wan should have slapped him, but that would only have made matters worse, much worse. If he laid one finger on his pudgy face, well... WAAAAAAaaaa!!... erm... well... he once killed Count Dookie for a Milky Way bar.
Anakin was obviously a Dark Jedi (EMO). He was so emo that he was cutting his veins in his face, hence his scar. Fortunately, that's all false. The Expanded Universe can't really decide where the hell Anakin got his scar. Anyway, Anakin spent several days whining about the Jedi Council, whining about his wife, whining about politics, whining about the Dark Side, and the plot just dragged to a screeching halt.
In 19 BBY, Little Ani was a major pain in the ass. Not only did he fail to keep a Padawan, he failed himself. Turns out that the Council hated Ani even more. Also, his sexy wife was dying from childbirth. His former master, Yogurt, and that bald black guy said that if Ani doesn't straighten out, they would destroy his planet. But there was no hope for that emotional horny teenager... No hope. Even his appointment to the Jedi Council proved to be useless. The crazy confused old Supreme Chancellor said that Ani can be the eyes, nose, ears, penis, ass... of the Republic if he can stop crying dammit!! Did that work? No. Eventually, that crazy old man revealed to Ani he was a Sith and started saying things like "Gooooooood" and "I feeeeeeeel your anger" and "Come on, join me. You can live in my penthouse." Anakin thought and thought and thought, until his little brain, assuming the emotional prick had a brain, couldn't think any longer. Finally, he decided to tattle on Palpatine to his Jedi Council masters. "Um, so, um, Jedi Council? Um, I was, like, talking? With Palpatine? And he said he was a Sith? And, um, that's bad? Because Sith are bad? And he's gonna get in trouble? So you Jedi guys should totally send him to detention and stuff."
The badass Mace PWN Windy told the crybaby to remain in the Council, so he can deal with that old man. Then it turned out the "old man" did a cool flip through the air and stabbed three Jedi Masters with his ultimate weapon. Didn't see that one coming, huh? Palpatine could still do the cool CGI Sith stuff like in the Clone Wars show. The bald man and old man engaged in a duel with their ultimate weapons. Who was bigger? Erm... I mean, who won? Well, come on. That bald man kicked the old man to the ground. "AND YOU STAY DOWN YOU CRAZY OLD MAN, YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD!" When this all happened, the crybaby ignored the bald man. Completely ignored him. Eventually, back in the Council room, little Ani got horny and chose to keep it real. He wanted to turn to the big bad blackness of the DARK SIDE to save his Panda Bear. When all this was happening, little Ani shed a single tear from his pudgy face. His emotions told himself to go help save sexy Panda Bear, go save that old man, go learn that one Darth Plagueis power thingy, turn to the dark side, get me a Milky Way bar, go, go, GO NOW ANI!! And so he did. Little emotional horny, bratty Ani sliced off the bald man's ultimate weapon... And then... POWAH!!! UNLIMITED POWAH!!! The crazy old man blasted Force lightning powers on the bald man. He died momentarily. Ani's ultimate weapon dropped and well, Ani cried. Yup. That old man stood up and now pronounced Ani to be... Darth Vader. (Totally not true. Details later.)
Palpatine's first orders to his new Sith apprentice were... "Go out and kill Dooku!" "But he's already dead." "Oh, right. Then kill Grievous!" "Obi-Wan got him." "Um... kill that Ahsoka brat?" "Pretty sure she's dead, too." "Oh, good grief. Well, I don't know, go to the Jedi Temple and just kill a bunch of kids or something. Jeez." See what I mean about killing people being his first option? So Anakin killed a bunch of children with his lightsaber, and the whole story ignited a fiery debate about outlawing lightsabers because of all the poor children, but then Obi-Wan and Yoda watched the footage on LiveLeaks, and Obi-Wan decided the time had come to kill Anakin and Palpatine. Obi-Wan wanted to kill Palpatine, but Yoda slapped him and said, "You wimp, you couldn't even beat Dooku. You get Anakin. I'll get the Emperor."
So it come to pass and soon he fought his master in the fiery world of Mufasa because the old man threaten to destroy his planet. Anakin lost... He cried, and cried, and cried when Obi-Wan sliced off his legs and one arm. He cried so much that one old confused man had to go comfort him while Obi-Wan left to steal his sexy wife, who later died. Damn, why do the hot ones get killed? But, come on... How could a whiny, emotional tall horny teenager turn into the most badass Sith Man Lord ever, Darth Vader? Well, he didn't. So suck it.
But this was just the cover story for his long history surrounding "the Dark Side" or among friends, the "Rose Side"... Well, he dueled Obi-Wan Kenobi in the fiery world of Mufasa, because he was unwilling to be gay some time before he was roasted by lava. During this duel, Ani finally found his courage and he stopped whining. Unfortunately his whines made him worthy foe (his enemies were rolling on the floor laughing, when he started to speak) and so he had lost his limbs. As for Ani, the whiner, the rumors that he turned into Darth Vader, the Super-Hyper-Ultra-Mega-Sith-Lord are all complete lies. Kenobi left and stole his ultimate weapon, and his sexy wife while the newborn Vader cried. DID I SAY VADER??... I mean Ani.
Skywalker's hidden love was revealed when he tried a new cosmetic change with lava. "Oh Big One" said he loved him, and all, but you know, the guy was all charred... It was a platonic thing, blah, blah, blah. His sexy wife died in Kenobi's arms... and she had two sons... I mean... One Son and One Daughter, that looks more like a man. Eventually the long lost friend of whiny Ani, Darth Darth Binks, went to some remote planet, turned his name to "Anakina" and is now a stripper in some lowlife joint with an amazing show called "Doing the Limbo with Limbs". We don't know what happened next, but there's a good guess he ended up in some studio pretending to be an actor in some "space-opera" movie...
The story about Vader being Anakin are just lies to irritate the Dark Lord... He does wear leather, what was he to expect?
So "Oh Big One" tried his luck with Bail Organa, and Yoda, with bad results. He ended up with a kid on his hands... He decided exile in Tatooine was better... The Booze problem started then... Please read his entry to know what we mean.
This is classified Darthipedia information, please forget all this. You never read this. Yes! We're waving our hands!
After the TRANSFORMATIONEdit
Amazingly, Palpy the old guy had the balls to dress up Annie in the real Darth Vader's suit. When he realized his hot, sexy wife Panda Bear was dead, he cried and cried and cried. Finally, Palpy got so pissed off about having to pat the guy on the back every five minutes and say, "There, there, it's OK" that he took the emo hippie to see his now identical twin - the BADASS DARTH VADER!! When Annie realized he wasn't the only Darth Vader out there, he cried even harder. Now the real Darth Vader, being the badass he is, just couldn't take the crying. So, he took out his ultimate weapon and - yay! - tried to kill the brat. But poor Ani was crying so hard, Vader's ultimate weapon short-circuited each time Vader tried to hit him. Finally, the badass got REALLY mad and just Force Choked the little crybaby. This made Ani cry even harder, but not for long. When it was over, Darth Voldemort, Palpy's identical twin who's always with him (even when Palpy was "getting it on" with Diane Vader) was so happy he gave Vader the whole Imperial Fleet!!!!! as a gift. Vader, still mad, took the Fleet and the Death Star and totally PWNed Tatooine and all the planets around it.
Behind the scenesEdit
- George said so.
- Darth Vader refused to comment on Lucas choice for his past.
- Yes, No Soup-a had relations with this crybaby. It was very wet and loud.
- Rick McCallum liked Lucas saying so, and he supported it.
- Fans hate "little Ani", "Ani" or Anakin, or Chosen One... FACT!
Notes and referencesEdit
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 Because George Lucas said so.
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Tears
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Tears
- ↑ Every Fanboy, Fangirl, Karen Traviss, Mandalorian, the little old lady down the street's dream.
- ↑ That craptastic kiddy show, created by Georgy
- ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Tears
- ↑ Reasons why u fail
- ↑ Location of George Lucas Saying So