- "So THAT'S what a vagina is!"
- ―Anakin Skywalker in an excerpt of the book
- "Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?"
- ―The tagline of the biography in certain promotions
Anakin Skywalker: The Troubled Years is the biography of Anakin Skywalker about his life from age nine to nineteen years old. It consists of all the
stupid fun, exciting and overall interesting things the boy did, such as blowing up a control ship, learning what a vagina is, looking for a vagina because he didn't believe the old man who told him about vaginas, doing it with a chick who was ten years older than him, getting said woman preggers, trying to kill his friend (and perhaps lover) Obi-Wan Kenobi, being stupid enough not to figure out he had two kids while he knew the woman was pregnant, (yes, for some reason he forgot being pregnant means you're going to have at least one kid) becoming Darth Vader and many more stupid fun, exciting and overall interesting things he did.
Padmé is pregnant. How wonderful. (Not) She keeps giving me less and less attention and when I go to the bathroom for some private Ani time, I feel Qui-Gon's Force ghost is watching me. Every time I talk to Master Yoda, he tells me to let go of the things I fear to lose. He never lets me have anything! Master Windu does not trust me. As if I care what some jerk thinks of me! And besides, who has a purple lightsaber anyway?
Ah well, as long as my kid never starts using one.
Uncle Frank tells me I can save Padmé. We went to the opera today and afterwards, he bought me some ice-cream and a shiny balloon. He told me that all the balloons floated. That was kind of creepy, but I guess that's just the way Uncle Frank is sometimes. I'm now a member of the Jedi Council but they refuse to make me a master, and that sucks big time! It almost feels like making Wookieepedia great and never getting a Wookiee-Cookiee in return. I'll show them one day!
Today I killed Mace Windu :D That motherfracker was making fun of Uncle Frank. The nerve of that Bitch! Although, a lot of what he was saying seemed like it was true. Awwww, shucks, who the hell cares? Soon me and Uncle Frank'll be doin' it. He really cares about me! Oooohhh! Ooooooohhh! He's sending me to some God-forsaken lava planet to get my limbs cut off. He really does love me! :D
I don't know how I'm writing this down since I have no more hands. I'm in Uncle Frank's shuttle and we've just departed from Mustafar. Obi-Wan just PWNED me and told me he loved me. Uncle Frank was really jealous when I told him. He also doesn't want me to call him Uncle Frank anymore, now that I'm a Sithie. He says it's against regulations or something. Anyway, he promised me a cool suit and I can't wait to try it on.