- "We tell the parents we're trying to keep the kids of the street and away from things like death sticks. But in reality we're just trying to squeeze every damn credit out of those gullible kids."
- ―Arcade owner on how he runs his business
Here on Earth, the damn cool planet, everyone is familiar with the "arcade", loaded up with the only video games the size of refrigerators that actually draw and audience (The Nintendo Skyscraper™, one of the first video game consoles that was smaller than an office building, is no longer popular). We all know them, and we all love them. But do the people in the Star Wars universe experience the same thrill of shaking machines, smacking green and red buttons loudly, and begging for quarters?
Of course they do, dumbass. What would ever make you ask that? Back in the Star Wars universe, all the "little ones", as the creeper Yoda calls them, practically throw away their life savings in credits there.
What alien arcades are likeEdit
- "People ask me why a I bought a whole warehouse for my arcade if was only going to have some little switch things that don't take up any space. I told them it was so I could cram several thousand innocent children in there at once and make tons of cash. Then they threw their lunch at my face. One of those 'morally correct' chaps. Ha!"
- ―Arcade owner on why his arcade is big enough to hold a squadron of X-wing fighters
If one were to journey across the universe to the Star Wars galaxy (Which I assure *cough cough* we have *cough*), finding an arcade would be as easy as finding a 1942 double-die Philadelphia penny in your right pocket on a brisk Saturday afternoon. In other words, it would be really damn
hard easy. The best way to do it would be to land somewhere on Coruscant and just wander around for a few hours until you see a building swarmed with adolescent aliens beating each other for three credits. That would either be an arcade or the window outside of an alien strip club.
Once you wander around inside, you'll see that in you're inside a big room. You'll also see that the arcade games in that galaxy are actually way more compact, fun, and plain old better than the shitty ones here on Earth. On Earth, they are the size of a fridge. In that universe? They have little baskets full of these little switchy thingies. On Earth, we grab shafts and click buttons. In that universe? Control the game with your mind. It's really, really lame. I love smacking buttons and annoying people cool!
The weird little pod things work by projecting holograms of the screen and controls. I really don't give a damn how they make it interactive, I just like blowing up the pixilated robots. As far as I'm concerned, we can screw the science and just reap the benefits of years of technological research with a few measly credits. which reminds me, people have to get credits and insert them into a little slot on the pod thingies to play. Lots of time, fights start over credits, and the owners stand back and watch the bloodbath ensue. It's great for business.
What's best about the games is the fact that they make excellent projectiles. Often times in arcades the owners cringe as they hear the words "GAME FIGHT!" ring throughout the arcade, and then all of the expensive games fly everywhere. These events are bad for the owners because:
- It can damage the expensive games
- It makes kids get hurt which leads to lawsuits
These events are great for the kids because:
- They get to hurt each other
- They like throwing things
Popular arcade gamesEdit
- "My favorite game is Peakin' Pan, where you spy on a whole bunch of hot green Twi'leks!"
- ―Adolescent Alien on the variety of arcade games
Like all arcades, the ones in the Star Wars universe have a bunch of games that kids practically have credit accounts for. Some include:
- Bantha Hunter - In this hunting style game, you equip yourself with a wireless hologram of a laser blaster and dry to blow up as many banthas as you can on the screen. With forty levels of hunting ability, kids spend hours just sending bantha guts all over the projected hologram screen.
- Destroy your planet - This game, though being utterly stupid, easy, and pointless, draws in probably the third most profit in the entire arcade. Kids literally have fought to the death to fork up credits, and then were seen running to this game. All that you do is look at the planet, think about it, and then it explodes. Then you get points depending on how big the explosion was. It even has ranks, including: Star Destroyer, Death Star planet munch, and Grand Moff Tarkin for advanced planet destroyers.
- Tusken Conquest - In this first person style game, you and your fellow rowdy Tatooine teenagers arm up with slingshots or something, take a hop in your landspeeder and try to blast every last ounce of blood out of Tusken Raiders. Though, unless some old creeper comes out and makes the sound of a krayt dragon, you get mercilessly slaughtered every time. High scores are achieved by actually surviving your poorly planned attack.
Arcade Managership Techniques and TricksEdit
- "People think by rigging the machines we're being unfair towards the kids, but if you think about it, we're giving them a taste of real life! The Empire screws everyone out of everything, so we're just preparing them for when that happens."
- ―Arcade Owner, on why he screws kids out of credits
Managers across the galaxy have soon discovered many tips and tricks for getting as much money as
nonhumanly possible in the arcades. Some common, yet easily profitable techniques include:
- Allowing fights over money; it makes kids get money to spend on your games
- Get heap, pirated games to save some cash. It the authorities ever find out, get some cheap rip offs
- Rig the games to max out at around 200,00 points so kids will have to pour credits into the games to keep playing
- Loosen the controls a bit so the game is harder to play
- Get an attractive Twi'lek to walk around and distract players so they lose
- Scratch off the little instruction stickers so no one knows how to play
- Hire a jumper to walk around knocking kids getting high scores
- Keep track of good game players on a hit list