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Bacta

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The disgusting truth of bacta production
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"The taste of health - bacta!"
―Vratix advert

Bacta was a valuable medical substance produced on the planet of Thyferra. It produced rapid tissue generation in most organic species and was used to treat grievous injuries. It was seen as a "miracle fluid," and it tasted like honey chocolate sunshine happiness. The Vratix of Thyferra claimed the substance was a gelatinous mixture of red alazhi and kavam bacterial particles, dissolved in a base of ambori fluid, a process refined over centuries and performed in the cleanest and most carefully supervised laboratory conditions.

The horrible truth is that bacta was excreted from the anal-mammary sphincter of the Queen Vratix in a filthy cave hidden deep in the bowels of the planet. She was covered in her own dung and crawling with coprophagous parasites. The cave was infested with bats that dropped guano all over the queen and all of the bacta samples. Minimum-wage employees gathered the bacta, spat in it, and sent it throughout the galaxy for use in hospitals.


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This article is called Bacta. Bacta has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Bacta can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Bacta.

Lest you think that this is an equitable, if disgusting, solution for the inhabitants of the galaxy... the Queen Vratix could only produce bacta when fed a consistent diet of cute little kittens, bunnies, and babies of other species. The Vratix kidnapped cute children and pets from around the galaxy and fed them into a grinder, allowing the queen to gorge herself on the bloody, chunky slurry.

Bacta treatment wasn't covered by Medicare, though it could be dispensed via an explosive device. Ah, the wonders of modern living...

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