Bastila Shan
Biographical information
Homeworld	Sleheyron or Talravin
Born	At least two decades after her mother
Physical description
Species	Human (At least I think she is)
Gender	Female
Personal shit
Butt buddies	Apparently not You Me :)
Forms of ass-kickery	Ui'llaim (Way of the Prick)
Chronological and political information
Affiliation	Darth Revan

[Source]

"I love/respect/hate Revan. He/she is the greatest/most despised man/woman I've ever loved/met/wanted to impale. Okay, seriously, can't he/she just make up his/her mind? And stop looking at my breasts/butt. Give me my shirt/pants."

―Bastila Shan

Bastila Shan was a Hot Chick-class Jedi Padawan with an attitude problem.

• What d'you mean attitude problem!!? Bastila
  • Shut up or get banned, girly. This ain't no forum. Random Admin

She was skilled in battle meditation, which to the rest of us translates as sitting around, eating Cheetos and "thinking" about a battle which, without her doing so, would have been lost. Although she called it "Meditation", it was, in fact, "sleeping on the job". Speaking of which, she had a romantic involvement with Revan, former Dark Lord of the Sith. Reports later in her life of her turning to the Dark Side and helping destroy the Galactic Republic four thousand years before its time are unsubstantiated—which is a shame, because said reports also indicated the Sith offered her a line of kinky underwear as part of her Sith costume. Homina, homina, homina!

BiographyEdit

ChildhoodEdit

"Your father was as bad as a Hutt's underpants in need of washing and with twice the smell!"

―Helena Shan, to Bastila

Bastila was born on Sleheyron to Wilhelm von der Shan, a hunter, and Helena Shan, the mythic queen whose face launched a thousand starships. When she was two, Bastila and her parents moved off world, a fact which in later life she would use to claim her birth was on Talravin. Despite the seeming contradiction it is indeed possible that both are true since "Talravin" was also the name of a powerful hallucinogenic powder processed on that planet.

When she turned six, Wilhelm von der Shan secretly delivered her to the Jedi temple on Coruscant in hopes of profiting from the finders fee paid upon reception of a Force-sensitive child. This act was done unbeknownst to Helena. Upon his return home, Wilhelm lied to his distraught wife that Bastila had run away to join the Exchange. However, the truth eventually came out during a drunken row, causing a rift between the two that never fully healed.

As for Bastila, she progressed rapidly under such teachers as masters Dork, Jack Daniels, and Fred Flintstone. Before long, she was found to possess the rare Force skill of battle meditation. Because of this advantage, she developed into a little prick.

• Who's a prick!?! Bastila
  • That's it, you're banned! Random Admin

Jedi Civil WarEdit

"Screw you, Dark Side!"

―Bastila's warcry

When the Jedi Civil War began, Bastila was tasked with aiding the Republic fleet. Because of her, it suffered defeat after defeat. At long last, in desperation, the Jedi Council arranged an ambush of Darth Revan. This, it was hoped, would bring about the death of young Bastila and allow the Republic to fight on its own, free from her interference. To their lasting horror, it did not work. Instead, Revan himself was captured, albeit with a massive lump on his head and amnesia.

Following this setback, her masters tried again to have her killed when they sent her with the amnesiac Revan aboard the Pillar of Autumn Endar Spire and on a suicide mission to Taris. Once again fate intervened and Bastila survived. What brought this about was that aboard the same ship was Carth Onasi who the Republic was in the process of betraying, an effort done for a laugh and to raise public morale. When the vessel was attack by the Sith under Darth Malak, Carth interfered with the steering, allowing just enough time for Bastila to board an escape pod and abandon the crew to certain death. By coincidence, however, this act successfully carried out the betrayal of Carth so desired by Republic officials.

Upon reaching the surface, Bastila was captured by the Black Vulkar street gang. These gangsters recognized [ahem] certain of her attributes and gave her to their leader, Brejik, for a slave. Sadly for Brejik, this arrangement did not work out since Bastila was still a little prick. Brejik, now disgusted with her, offered her up as prize in the annual swoop match. It was here that Revan reentered her life for he too had survived the Endar Spire attack and together with, believe it or not, Carth, rescued her.

Around this time the orbiting Sith fleet acted on Darth Malak's orders and began a turkey shoot which missed its target very much and wound up leveling the surface of Taris. Bastila, no thanks to her own actions, managed to escape the destruction with Revan, a punk rocker Twi'lek kid, a beef-headed Mandalorian, a retired Madclaw, and, believe it or not, Carth. They then set course for Dantooine.

The Jedi council on Dantooine was very much surprised, and distraught, to find Bastila alive. After a four-minute debate and fifteen minute brawl, they decreed that she and Revan should randomly wander the galaxy in search of artifacts called Star Maps which they had cunningly planted in both their dreams. Their shock was unparalleled when it was found that such Star Maps actually existed and were key to defeating Darth Malak.

During their wanderings, Bastila exercised her attitude problem by preaching pro-Jedi drivel to Revan, much to the former Dark Lord's boredom. In hopes of shutting her up, Revan began to flirt with her and, like all other galactic humanoid females, Bastila fell for him. This amused Revan to no end. He then...

[The following passages have been removed to keep Darthipedia child friendly]

...afterward she watched him blow up the Star Forge.

This article is called Bastila Shan. Bastila Shan has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Bastila Shan can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Bastila Shan.