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Battle of Hoth

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Battle of Hoth
Rebels get pounded
Conflict:

Galactic Civil War

Date:

Sometime after that thing

Place:

An Ice Cube

Outcome:

Empire kicked Rebel ass.

Combatants

Big Empire

Dem Rebels

Commanders
Strength

A bunch of metal elephants and the 501st Legion

Like fifty guys in coats with tiny guns

Casualties

No one

  [Source]

The Battle of Hoth was just another battle between those meddling kids and the big bad Empire. What was different about it this time is the fact that it was on a ball of ice instead of flying around in the sky, and also the Rebels finally lost this battle unlike the infamous battles of Yavin and Endor. The battle was also known for its display of stormtroopers in their stylish designer winter clothes.

PreludeEdit

After making a miracle escape from Yavin 4, the Rebels decided they better hide on someplace the Empire wouldn't be able to find them, so then they decided to make their base on an ice cube better known as Hoth. (Author's note: You would think the Galactic Empire would guess the places they would normally guess last because it is natural to hide in the last place somebody looking for you would look. Just makes you think about how I think about how things think the way I think they should think) The Empire, now in a somewhat desperate situation after the destruction of their beloved big ball planet-destroying thingie, needed to find the Rebels. Being the lazy ass that he is, Darth Vader sent out thousands of probe droids to go "probe" for them, rather than actually looking around himself.

Eventually, one of the rectal space probes found the Rebels' shield generators on Hoth. The entire Imperial Fleet or something like that flew over there so they could destroy their planet, but poor old Admiral Ozzel took them out of hyperspace late, and was sentenced to death by Darth Vader for doing so. He became the first, and apparently only, person to have ever been Force choked through a holographic projection, a new galactic record. You would have my congratulations on that, Mr. Ozzel, if you weren't all cold and limp...

Anyway, since Ozzel set a new galaxy record, the Rebels knew that the Empire was coming, and gladly sent half of their troops out on the snowy plains area with only a few guns and turrets to try and defend Echo Base from the big giant metal elephants that were now coming to wipe them out for good. (Author's Note: What idiots. The AT-AT's would blow the hell out of the thirty guys with blaster rifles. It doesn't take a scholar to figure that one out.) The rest scrambled around the base for a while until it was time to escape to ditch the ice cube and find some warmer weather before they ended up Rebel popsicles.

The BattleEdit

Snowspeeders flying

A couple of cheese wedges fly around during the Battle of Hoth.

"Good shot, Janson! But not good enough! We still need to blow up five more of those things!"
Wedge Antilles

The Empire sent a couple of big steel "Whale-Cats", as they were called by animals enthusiast in the Star Wars Galaxy, accompanied by the 501st Legion of stormtroopers. All the while, the dumbass Rebels decided digging some trenches, sticking a few guys in them with blasters, and setting up three turrets would be enough to defend the chunks of steel they called a base. (Author's Note: Why the hell would they want to defend that hell hole? They freeze their goddamn asses there.) So, of course, the big steel walker things come up and blow the shit out of the Rebels. I mean, they just give up and run away, and still get their asses blown up.

The Rebels, now desperate to escape, started launching the loaf of bread-looking transport ship out and had a giant ball in the ground shoot at the Star Destroyers awaiting them. Then, to try and buy more time, they sent out a bunch of cheese wedge ships (Author's Note: They really do look like cheese wedges, right?) to try and blow up some Whale Cats that were literally blowing the shit out of the Rebel soldiers who were supposed to stop the big metal things with a few guns. But to no avail; they only managed to blow up one of the things, and that's because the losers had to switch off their big giant laser guns because "Their armor [was] too strong!" and instead had to use suction cup cables which they used to trip of of the walkers. However, after Lube Luke Skywalker crashed, he managed to blow one up all by himself.

But at that point it didn't matter, because the Empire fucking annihilated the Rebels. Sure, they managed to get away, but they lost a shit load of people and droids in the process. Plus, it showed people how big of dumbasses they really were.

AftermathEdit

The 501st Legion was not anticipating the end of the battle because they were as dumb as fucking posts, and were afraid Darth Vader would Force choke them all because they didn't kill enough people like at all of their other miserable battles. After the battle, Lord Vader counted all the dead Rebels in an attempt to prove the 501st was not stupid. But when he was done counting the dead Rebels, he found out that half of them had in fact escaped and that the 501st Legion was in fact the most stupid Legion in the whole Imperial Army. He punished the 501st by taking away some of their hot Twi'lek dancers.

The escaped Rebels later went somewhere else in there big, bump covered ships and then stayed there. Actually, I think they jut floated around for a couple of years doing crap until they decided to try and blow up the second Death Star.

The Moral of the Story, kidsEdit

RicOlieRight
This article is called Battle of Hoth. Battle of Hoth has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Battle of Hoth can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
WookieepediaLogoBouncing
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Battle of Hoth.

The moral of the story is: Don't ever get in battle with big bad evil people in white armor when you're as cold as hell on a ball of ice.

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