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- "Good relations with the Wookiees I have."
"Hey, greenie, stick to the Jedi stuff, and let the Darthipedians write the rape jokes, 'kay?"
- ―Yoda and the Darthipedia audience
The Battle of Kashyyyk was a massive and decisive battle of the Clone Wars that... well, it basically gave Yoda something to do while the more important characters were off doing more important things. Dozens of other minor characters clustered on the Republic side of the battle lines... and they were fighting against... um... let's see now, who did the Separatists have? Um... nobody. They had nobody. Just a bunch of B1 and B2 battle droids and some other heavy hardware.
So, yeah, clearly, the Republic victory here was hard-won. They were commanded by Yoda, for one thing, and they also had Luminara Unduli, who, although a manic depressive, was also a Jedi Master. They also had the entirety of Delta Squad, the baddest clone troopers ever grown in a vat: Boss, the hard-assed leader, Sev, the psycho who killed a dozen people every day after his morning piss, before he even had his coffee, Scorch, who carried enough munitions to blow up a major city, and then make a bad joke about it, and Fixer... who was boring, but also bad-ass by clone standards. Oh, and for some reason, Quinlan Vos showed up for this battle too, and so did the Karen Traviss self-hating Jedi Etain Tur-Mukan. Oh, and they also had a bunch of Wookiee berserkers, including a young Chew-freakin'-bacca and Tarfful. And the 501st Legion. And lots of other clones, complete with their various vehicles and crap. And they were fighting... some droids. Pat yourselves on the back, guys. Jeez. Grievous wasn't even there. He'd been killed by Obi-Wan Kenobi on Utapau before this battle even started.
The Separatists were really lazy here. Okay, they went overkill on droid production, but let's face it, Mace Windu once took on thousands of those things and never even got a scratch. Also, they hired a bunch of Trandoshan mercenaries. Oooooooh. Anyway, Delta Squad was sent behind enemy lines to kill the Trandoshans, who were keeping Tarfful captive. The strongest things they encountered were IG-100 MagnaGuards. Great. Electrostaffs versus... blaster rifles. "Hey, did we program these MagnaGuards to deflect blaster bolts? No? Oh, crap." At the end of their mission, Delta Squad, Sev was separated from the group, and they left without him... oh, no! They left a man behind! Good grief, he's basically Rambo. He'll be fine.
The droid army swarmed the beaches with their goofy tank droids that looked like frowny snails, and their freaky spider droids, and... I don't know, it was like a cross between an army of Terminators and Pokémon. The 501st Legion guarded the shoreline, along with a bunch of Wookiees, who had their cheesy attempt at a Moment of Awesome when they gave a huge Wookiee shout and charged. Even the biggest fanboys of the series have to consult their encyclopedia to find out the names of these supposedly famous shouting Wookiees. How did their charge end? No idea. That part ended up on the cutting room floor. The droid army pushed the clones and Wookiees back a little, but then Yoda turned the tide (easily) and drove them back.
The plot twistEdit
- "Execute Order 66."
"It will be done, my lord."
"Uh-huh. Be careful. Yoda's kinda strong."
"I'm on it."
"Look, why don't we wait 'til your father gets home, and he can help you kill Yoda."
- ―Palpatine, not helping with Gree's self-esteem
Things momentarily got interesting because Supreme Chancellor Palpatine chose that moment to instruct clone commanders all across the galaxy to execute Order 66. The commander who got the order was a doofus named Gree. He hasn't even been mentioned in this article yet because he didn't really do anything. He was outclassed by at least a dozen characters in his army, some of whom never even appeared in the film. Gree barely had enough time to aim his blaster rifle before Yoda chopped his head off.
Jedi Master Luminara Unduli didn't quite have the same luck. She was patrolling with eight clone troopers and pondering on the futility of life and wishing for the sweet escape of death, so she was too distracted to fight back and got shot 70 times. Quinlan Vos got hit square in the face by a giant Juggernaut laser cannon, but survived somehow... whatever.
The clones got a heroes' welcome and had one of those treetop celebrations with the Wookiees, where they dance a lot and play music on enemy helmets... and get wildly drunk and have loud, violent Wookiee-Nookie all through the night, then wake up the next morning and cry for hours.
Chewbacca and Yoda, meanwhile, sneaked off into the woods and ripped off a scene from E.T., while the entire audience facepalmed.