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Ewok-Blaster

There are about 7 different ways that this can go wrong...

"Blasters don't kill people, Canderous Ordo does!"
Some freak

Blasters were deadly; they could harm people in many ways. They were held in the hands and denumerous times in quick succession resulting in a blast of energy that could cause another to fall to the ground while a strange liquid poured wildly from their genitalia.

Of the many ways which with to use a blaster, the Clone Trooper Method, later the Stormtrooper method after much misunderstanding in the wake of the death of certain absolutely guilty individuals, consisted of three steps, not four nor five, six being right out and two being two few to satisfy any blaster practitioner. The first of which was getting drunk, preceding directly into a bar fight otherwise known as Second Base to some less scrupulous parts of the galaxy at large. It would end after several hours of, perhaps even days, of such activities before, Step 3, the persistent trooper would begin shooting everyone in the building. If the Imperial Army's method was any different, they would have their top two commanding officers get drunk and pass out so the troops, with no obvious command, could also begin drinking and open fire upon the unresistant duo before everyone else in the room. If such a commanding officer wasn't drunk and actually ordered troops to open fire, they probably enjoyed the last time too much and should be left to rot in a dark dungeon somewhere.

In order to spread the word of safe blaster use, the Ewoks were given a supply of blasters with comfortable holsters with which to practice. These furry creatures took to it quite fast, and soon didn't even require the use of the holsters, never letting go of their devices. Of those who had secretly already discovered what fun a blaster could bring, their underground rings were instead replaced by more accepting organizations that would supply them with the instruments with which to make blaster use safe. These included different means to make blaster use more fun before, during the drinking phase; during the depressions, and after, during the inevitable clean-up.

Obligatory WarningEdit

Be advised that the use of blasters often results in BABIES, and/or PREGNANCY. It is frowned upon in the eyes of followers of both God and the Holy, mighty, all-powerful G*nk. This being because the followers of the former see any attempts t using a "larger" gun as both illogical, blasphemy, and an attempt to bring an end to the world. The former see all use of blasters as blasphemy, as His Holiness has no hands with which to hold a blaster and no blaster with which to use, leaving his loyal subjects with the credo that they would partake in using neither commodity. These two groups will destroy you if you cross them.


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This article is called Blaster. Blaster has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Blaster can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on blaster.

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