approx. 3,946 BBY
|Forms of ass-kickery||
|Chronological and political information|
Old Sith Wars
The Jedi Exile
- "I am the last of the Handmaidens, yes. It is a title reserved for that hero in the movie or game that can't live up to the demands of that title but never gives up (or gives up and gets raped), that (un)cool magician, samurai or Spartan, that title that goes out to the character in the movie over which all the fangirls, fanboys and bisexuals drool over. Except this time, that character is the last of an organization of somewhat-hot lesbian white girls who serve an ugly white cougar. Yes, I am the last of the Handmaidens, who you can not get enough influence over to explain her Jedi robes, whose name you will not know until the end of the game by which time it is meaningless, and the one that will always help you masturbate for a bargain price. Get used to it."
- ―Brianna breaks the fourth wall in a touching soliloquy to the player[src]
Brianna, also known simply as the Handmaiden, was a half-Human, half-Echani woman who served in the court of Atris the Bitchy in the years after the Jedi Civil War. Born to the forbidden union of Arren Kae and Yusanis of Echani, she grew up within a dancer/warrior society which encouraged bad poetry, discouraged humor and individuality, and equated brutal hand-to-hand combat with the deepest emotions and desires of sentient beings. Needless to say, she had it rough, but no matter what, her
loving and caring hard-ass half-sisters were always there to make sure she never dropped her guard lest she feast on knuckle sandwiches.
Upon first meeting the Jedi Exile, however, everything changed. Despite the wishes of the developers, she sought sanctuary with the Exile, though her patroness, Atris, had sent her out to spy upon the former Jedi Knight. Throughout the second epic journey of the Ebon Hawk, the Handmaiden honed her knowledge of the combat arts, passing on Echani techniques to the Exile, and through the older woman, learning of her Force-sensitivity and the fine art of girl-on-girl action. After a vicious confrontation with her sisters, then Atris, from whom she was rescued by the Exile, the Handmaiden confessed to her actual name, Brianna, and reaffirmed the fact that she honored the face of her mother.
Yeah. And prayed like mad that she wouldn't grow old so disgracefully.
Early life and trainingEdit
- "I know very little of my mother; she died when I was very young."
Brianna was the love-child of an illicit affair between Jedi Master and Historian Arren Kae and a famous Echani general, Yusanis. When the relationship was discovered, Kae was tossed unceremoniously from the Jedi Order; having nothing better to do, she joined Revan and Malak's forces in order to fight the Mandalorian Wars and kick Mando butt. Whether or not she took her infant daughter with her on campaign is uncertain, though Kae apparently met her end at the apocalyptic final battle.
While her mum was out chasing ghosts and digging through the muck, Brianna was taken in by Yusanis, who had her trained in the Echani
dancing fighting arts before his eventual lightsaber beatdown at the hands of Darth Revan some time later. In the wake of the Jedi Civil War, she was sent in secret to the pole of Telos IV, where Jedi Master and then-current Historian Atris the Bitchy had set up a secret Ice Academy, as a fallback for when the one on Dantooine went kablooie. Once there, she trained over and over and over again with Yusanis' other daughters, the five Handmaiden Sisters, while receiving special lessons on how to repel mind tricks. This mental armoring led to her being blind to her own Force-sensitivity.
Brianna Goes ForthEdit
- "Follow the Exile. Watch her movements; if she falls, do what you must."
- ―Atris gives Brianna her marching orders
She wasn't a terribly gifted student, however. Oh, she had the skills and physical ability, but throughout her training, Brianna always seemed distracted by something. Thoughts like honoring the face of her mother (oh, what a face...make your own joke here), why the kriff she was even freezing her ass off at the Academy, or what in the name of sam hill she was supposed to do while holding a self-sealing stem bolt, always kept her off her game just a wee bit. This resulted in her earning the dubious moniker of "last of the Handmaidens" as well as having to miss out on all the really good parties so she could train.
When the Lesbian Jedi Exile came to the Ice Academy looking for her stolen ship, the Ebon Hawk (which happened to be Revan's old rustbucket of a freighter), she found not only a three-pack of HK-50 assassin droids, but a lovely crop of fine-looking women—not to mention the most judgmental Jedi Master this side of the Unknown Regions. After quite a lengthy brouhaha culminating in quite a lot of aggressive negotiations, the Exile was allowed to free her friends, Atton Rand, Bao-Dur and the old hag Kreia, as well as the plucky T3-M4. Brianna, left on the sidelines by her mean half-sisters, nonetheless managed to glimpse the Exile as she wandered about. Intrigued by the older woman's history and sheer presence, she asked the Exile about what it was like to touch the Force. Satisfied with the response she received, Brianna then reported to Atris, who tasked her with spying on the Exile. Before the party departed Telos, she secreted herself onto the starship, hiding in the aft cargo hold.
Following the ExileEdit
- Exile: "Do you think you could put some clothes on?"
- Brianna: "After the way you've been undressing me with your eyes ever since we met at the Academy, are you sure?"
Exile: "C'mere, you..."
- — Brianna and the Exile
Her sudden appearance during the team's combing of Atris' records, which included the Exile's trial and expulsion, was not greeted with great joy among the crew. Rand was immediately suspicious of such a tasty morsel, while Kreia, who knew that her daughter now stood scant meters from her, was outright hostile. Bao-Dur didn't seem to give a ronto's rump. The Exile, however, took pity on Brianna, and allowed her to stay on board while the party searched for the lost Jedi Masters Vrook Lamar, Kavar, and Zez-Kai Ell. Relegated to the cargo hold in which she had stowed away, she spent most of her time in solitary training and distracted thought. As the journey continued, however, and the Exile picked up more followers, an uneasy truce settled amongst the party.
After scampering back and forth in some of the most unpleasant tourist traps of Nar Shaddaa, she began to see what drove the Exile: carnal lust for those of the same gender, and sorting out the mess that had once been the
glorious Galactic Republic. She helped to rescue the Exile from the clutches of the evil "misunderstood" G0-T0, personally shooting twenty-nine of his security droids and bashing five more into fragments. In the week that followed the hasty departure from the Smugglers' Moon, she and the Exile grew closer; as Brianna taught the ex-Jedi in the Echani arts, then learned of her own Force powers, the two fell in love lust "mutual understanding."
When the Exile and her party were called back to Onderon in order to bail Queen Talia out of a
little spot of bother Sith-backed attempt by her cousin, General Vaklu, to upstage and eliminate her, they were forced to split their forces. Brianna was tapped by the Exile to lead an expedition to Dxun, a place that made Yavin 4 look like a stroll through a botanical garden. Brianna, along with Mira and the great Mandalore Canderous Ordo, set out to find the creeptastic burial temple of Freedon Nadd in order to look for Freedon's Nadds cut off the Sith force's dark side-based ability to control the many beasts that roamed Iziz City and threatened the Royalists. The Sith Underlord which lurked at the temple's core attempted to lure Brianna to the dark side, but she instead responded with a lightsaber beatdown of her own. With the place cleared out, the way was paved for the Exile to swoop in, save the Queen, and snog her before everyone left to continue on their epic quest.
The chase commencesEdit
- "Don't suppose I could get a Midol for either one of you, huh?"
- ―Atton Rand, interrupting Kreia and the Exile arguing about Brianna
As the motley crew of the Ebon Hawk neared the end of their journey, things became complicated. Kreia became increasingly bitter over the seduction of her daughter by the Exile, though she never let them in on that secret; meanwhile, everyone else became suspicious of the old bag. Atton and Mical in particular seemed to sense that something was not right, but try as they might, they were continually cockblocked by Kreia's dastardly mind tricks.
When the time finally came to meet the lost Masters, the Exile took Kreia with her. When the Masters attempted to strip the Exile of the Force, the prune intervened, doing to them what they intended to do to the Exile, but far more horribly and lethally. Brianna, who had followed the pair, believed that Kreia had murdered them and the Exile as well, and took the crone back to the Ice Academy and Atris. When the Exile arrived back at the Ebon Hawk in chase, she realized that the old bitch had been playing everyone for fools. After that, a whole lot of fighting ensued, as the crew were caught up in Darth Nihilus' attack on Citadel Station. After PWNing the Sith and Nihilus itself, the Exile went back to the Ice Academy in pursuit of Atris, whom she believed (quite correctly) had fallen to the dark side.
- Atris: "So, you've returned..."
- Brianna: "The old woman, where is she?"
- Atris: "It is of no concern. Soon, she shall be dealt with."
- Brianna: "You can't! If Kreia dies..."
- Atris: "What of it?"
- Brianna: "...then the Exile dies too."
Atris: Oh? So, not only have you betrayed your oath to me, but you have betrayed us all to...her!? Did you look upon her with love!?"
Brianna: "No, wait! Ow, stop it! No lightning! No lightning!"
- — Atris gets really pissed-off
Brianna, who had arrived earlier with Kreia, was confronted by her sisters. In an epic brawl in a large vat of vegetable oil, she succeeded in laying the smackdown on all of them...oh, to be a fly on the wall for that match...but I digress. Anyway, when she attempted to report her findings to Atris, that the Exile wasn't such a bad person, the mistress was decidedly unhappy. With the Exile's old lightsaber, she attempted to do Brianna in; the ex-Handmaiden managed to hold her own for a while, but Atris' Force lightning proved too much. It was only the timely arrival of the Exile that saved her; the two fought like caged lions, ripping and tearing at weapons, arms, legs, clothes, boobs, until finally Atris submitted. The Exile gently, sensuously, corrected the elder woman as to how she had gone so terribly wrong, with Atris exiling herself forthwith.
Happily ever afterEdit
- "Now that that's over with...time for a tall, frosty glass of Tarisian ale."
- ―Brianna, now that it's all over
Brianna, now no longer simply "the Handmaiden", left battle behind her and took Atris's place as Jedi Historian, helping to rebuild the shattered Jedi Order. Though the Exile had left in pursuit of the True Sith, Brianna would never forget her, and what she had done for (and to) her...
Behind the scenesEdit
The article on Brianna is, in fact, the oldest still-existing article on Wookiepedia, which may or may not tell you something about the state of that site's userbase. Nevertheless, it wasn't until recently that the article was brought up to their standards (insert massive finger quotes here). Unfortunately, on Darthipedia the story is completely different. The concept of a Brianna parody has suffered from many unsuccessful, abortive attempts, most of which were swiftly deleted by the site's evil masterminds.
- "Naturally, we wanted everyone possible to come along for the ride. But then, we also wanted Hanharr to be a Dark Jedi, and you know how well that worked out."
- ―Chris Avellone of Obsidian Entertainment
In the video game Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords, the character of Brianna was only available to a male-gendered Exile, but since that person never existed, there's been a bit of foo-foo as to whether or not she ever left the Ice Academy. Leland Chee has ignored the question completely; later, Wizards of the Coast gleefully announced that she did in fact journey with the Exile despite the gender used by the player. This caused quite a number of headaches among the hardcore fanboys (and even some fangirls) who, already with their knickers in a twist about the Exile's "official" gender, were now forced to wonder how the hell one was supposed to include the Handmaiden into the story due to a suspiciously conspicuous lack of beds aboard the Ebon Hawk.
- Mission Vao's Happy Super Fun Time Party! (Adults only, or Darth Vader will, oh, Destroy your planet.) (cut content)
- Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: The Lost Sagas
- Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords