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Canderous Ordo

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Canderous Ordo
Biographical information
Homeworld

Ordo

Died

Did not die, became a bogle

Physical description
Species

Human

Gender

Male

Cybernetics
  • Satellite radio
  • Dial-up internet modem
  • Pac Man console
Chronological and political information
Affiliation
"Plans are for pansies, you little snot! Now shut up and charge!"
―Canderous Ordo to a doubtful recruit

Canderous Ordo, or Cantankerous Ouzo (sometimes even Odorous Cando) in Mando'a, was a Mandalorian who lived and fought during the Mandalorian Wars, the Jedi Civil War, the Dublin Revolt of 1916, and the Sepoy Mutiny. Canderous travelled with Revan on the latter's pan-galactic wanderings, during which he introduced the ex-Jedi to steroids. After Revan left known space, Canderous went on to become chief executive of the Mando'ade Mafia.

BiographyEdit

ChildhoodEdit

"Who're you calling 'cute', punk? I could rip out your guts and strangle you with them!"
―Young Canderous, to a starship hostess who called him "cute"

Canderous was born on the planet Ordo to the Clan Ordo. His father and mother were also named Ordo. He was therefore named Ordo. In Mando'a this was rendered Ouzo, of which he and his clan consumed liberal amounts.

His early years were lonely ones, a fact in no small part due to his mother's possession of, and routine performance on, a bagpipe. Drafted into a combat battalion at the minimum permissible age of three, he saw service in routine frontier wars. On one occasion he personally led the storming of an enemy stronghold where he butchered the defenders to the last man. His fervor so impressed his superiors that at the age of four he was given command of the 281st Sappers Division.

As time passed he showed such martial prowess and such leadership that his clan decided to sent him to a regional college for tactical and strategic education. Once there, however, he sought out the principal to beat him to a pulp. Instead he was ambushed by the school cheerleaders who broke both his legs and a rib. The young warrior struck back by planting demolition charges in their changing rooms. Because of this he was expelled.

Outer Rim CampaignsEdit

"I bet you wet yourself..."
―Revan, to Canderous
Canderous

Canderous after bombing the G*nk out of yet another Outer Rim planet

As was tradition, the Mandalorian clans waged continual wars across the Outer Rim. Among the volunteers was Canderous. In true Mandalore style, he and other adolescents formed the first wave, dropping from orbit aboard longboats.

Canderous adventures were varied but successful. Once, the air brakes on his longboat failed and he plummeted earthward, slamming into a water purification plant. At the space battle of Althir he broke with the prearranged plan and, leaving his warriors to die, single handedly destroyed the entire Althiri fleet. This won him a promotion and a congratulatory candy bar.

One of the more singular of his exploits was in the asteroid fields of the Rice Crispin system. There he piloted a starfighter and slaughtered 703 smugglers who had sold him a defunct landspeeder. When sixteen pirate battlecruisers arrived to rescue the smugglers, Canderous boarded them and killed their crews. An extra-galactic piece of seafood was reconnoitering the area and witnessed this feat. So impressed were its owners that they stayed their invasion of the Galaxy for almost 4,000 years.

Mandalorian WarsEdit

"BRING IT OOOON!!!"
―Canderous, to a Republic officer who demanded his unit's surrender
Canderous Ordo

Sketch portrait of Canderous Ordo by Michael Angelo.

When the Mandalorian Wars began, Canderous was an adult. He was sent with the Ordo contingent to help seize Dxun and Onderon. They were successful, defeating sixty Onderonian divisions. To complete the triumph, Canderous then single-handedly surrounded sixty more.

As the war continued, he gained a reputation as an efficient, if callous, commander and talented pianist. His exploits ranked second only to those of Mandalore himself. Between battles he even found time to write a book on Mandalorian philosophy and five volumes of ragtime compositions. He also married forty-nine women with whom he begat enough offspring to form a private army, which he did. Later, all forty-nine wives were killed by HK-47.

The course of the war was reversed by the entry of Revan and his crony, Malak. Driven back by Revan's brilliant tactics and undeniable fashion sense, Canderous was present when the Mandalorians were beaten at Dxun and then again at Malachor V where Revan's adjunct, the Jedi Exile, destroyed them with a Hutt's shadow. Revan himself then arrived and crushed those that remained.

Despite this disaster, Canderous honored Revan for being the one woman who could drink him under the table. When he later met Revan on Taris, he joined him, but only after a two-day drinking bout.

Later LifeEdit

"How the hell did all my Mandalorians turn into ANZACs!?!"
―Canderous, about his Mandalorian warriors on Dxun

Having lived a life greater than those of 650 lesser men, Canderous chose the relative retirement of running the Mando'ade Mafia. He traveled with the Jedi Exile for a while, just for kicks.

TriviaEdit

Jorrel Fraajic: "Did Canderous ever survive scaffolding – heavy metal scaffolding, mind you – getting dropped on him?"
Darth Culator: "Scaffolding knew better than to try to hit Canderous. And turbolasers instinctively dodged him."
Darth Culator and Jorrel Fraajic.[src]
G.I.Ordo

G.I.Ordo with kung-fu grip

  • He was the first Mandalorian with an action figure made after his image.
  • In high school, Canderous once scored four touchdowns in a single game.
  • Canderous signed up and graduated a mail-in course to become an honorary Darth, so that he could become a Featured Sith. He failed.
  • Canderous Ordo is your Speeder Bike.


This article is called Canderous Ordo. Canderous Ordo has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Canderous Ordo can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Canderous Ordo.

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