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Cassus Fett

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CassusFett
Cassus Fett
Biographical information
Homeworld

Mandalore

Born

Unknown

Died

Unknown

Physical description
Species

Klingon

Gender

Male

Hair color

Dark

Chronological and political information
Affiliation
Kreia: "If you were my husband, I would poison your beer!"
Cassus Fett: "If you were my wife, I would drink it!"
— Kreia and Cassus Fett

Cassus Fett was many things during his life: Alcoholic, warrior, general, Mandalorian, spelunker, father, Wookiee-Nookie survivor, spice addict, ancestor to TEH COOLEST INDIVIDUAL EVAH and last but not least a proud, yet unknowing father to a Klingon, And yet he flowed through life with great ease. Just like a smooooth beer.

BiographyEdit

Early lifeEdit

Born on the Mandalorian planet of Mandalore to a Mandalorian father and a Mandalorian mother, Cassus started experimenting with drugs and alcohol at an early age. As a result most of his senses were numbed to the point where he could feel no pain. This gave him great prowess in combat and soon he got drafted enlisted in the Mandalorian Scout Corps. While charting unknown planets, he got to see more worlds then an average individual. Furthermore, his exploits were carefully watched by his superiors who wanted interstellar bloodshed to build their Mandalorian honor upon.

TravelsEdit

Wookiee-nookie

Wookiee Goldberg and Cassus gettin' it on. Ugh...

His most famed visit came when he scouted Kashyyyk, the Wookiee homeworld. Here he met an extremely savage Ewok named Teebo, and the two soon found a mutual bond by singing the Corellian ale song. Teebo gave Cassus a belt made out of Trandoshan skin as a perpetual reminder of their friendship.

After sending Teebo to Clan Ordo to participate in Mandalorian combat training, Cassus decided to take a walk into the Shadowlands. After a few hours he noticed a Wookiee and tried to PWN her. Little did he know that this Wookiee was an exiled and dangerous Madclaw!, and so soon got PWNed himself. Fortunately, Cassus still had half a bottle of Corellian ale, and he proceeded to inebriate himself to shield his mind from imminent insanity while the Wookiee did IT with him. Waking up in a pool of his own blood and tangerine custard combined with the Wookiee's stomach acid, Cassus traveled back to Mandalore to report for duty. After reporting his exploits on Kashyyyk ("the best shag I ever had..."), Mandalore the Sufficient was so impressed with his survival skills that he promoted Cassus to be his left hand man. Canderous Ordo, after all, was already Mandalore's right hand man.

Mandalorian WarsEdit

CassusFettBelt

Cassus Fett's Belt

Being Mandalore's left hand man, Cassus was charged with leading the second invasion column in the start of the Mandalorian Wars. The Mandalorians under his direct command treated him as a god, especially when through a navigational error he accidentally traveled to Ryloth. He thought it was Republic space, and ordered his troops to rape and pillage the Twi'lek population like good soldiers. This event boosted morale to an unparalleled summit, and in a state of likewise unparalleled inebriation his faction tried to destroy Nal Hutta and Nar Shadada, but failed. This made Mandalore realize the danger of having thoroughly soused officers (and also the danger to his own private stock of booze) and he forced Cassus into Rehab.

After his rehabilitation he was sent to glass the surface of Serroco, which he did gladly on account of the prohibition laws on said planet. By the time Revan started to push the Mandalorian fleet back, Cassus found himself on Dxun. When the moment came to release the last attack volley Cassus had reverted to his alcoholic binging and was found in the doorway of the main barracks, unconscious and stinking of booze. None of the Mandalorian warriors had the nerve to wake their famed general so Mandalore himself bombed the G*nk out of him with an permacrete detonator.

AftermathEdit

Cassus Booze

Cassus Fett: A Real MANDALORIAN Hero.

Being presumed dead by his fellow Mandalorians, Cassus found himself wandering the now deserted moon of Dxun until he found an old space ship and traveled to Nabooboo to become a begging, homeless bum. Once there, however, he learned that he was, in fact, actually dead. So he died. Again.

He was the inspiration and namesake for Cassus Fett the Lesser.

Behind the scenesEdit

CassusFettMovie

Cassus Fett: The Movie.

  • A film about the life of Cassus was made starring the Almighty Bale in the title role. Cassus Fett also starred Christopher Walken as Wookiee Goldberg, Gary Coleman as Darth Animal, Walter Mathau as Revan, Sally Field as Jake Lloyd and Eric Bana as Cassus Fett the Lesser.
  • Cassus Fett's belt is an equippable item in Kotor2, it can be traded for a Starport Visa in the Onderon Cantina, It gives you +19 stamina, but it also blurs your screen a bit.
RicOlieRight
This article is called Cassus Fett. Cassus Fett has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Cassus Fett can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
WookieepediaLogoBouncing
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Cassus Fett.

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