- "We're wanted men. I have the death sentence in two, no six, no twelve, BAKER'S DOZEN, ummm...twelve systems. You're in for a real mess, Wormie."
- ―Evazan, School for the Counting Impaired graduate
- "I AM THE GREAT CORNELIUS! I NEED T.P. FOR MY BUNGHOLE!"
- ―Cornelius in Cornelius and Butt-Facehead do America
Dr. Cornelius Evazan was a chimpanzee with a really fracked-up face. Born to Ape-men in 40 BBY, he spent most of his life committing petty felonies, such as the time he took candy from a little little Ortolan baby, traumatizing it for life. Or when he sold his own dad into slavery for fifty credits. Or the time he rode a Bantha over a bunch of schoolkids. Or the day he got a bit drunk and got in a fight with Luke Skywalker and his his truancy officer. Anyways, he was one messed up monkey dude.
Born Cornelius Pompous Imperium Evazanium (nicknamed "Corny" by his parents) on the Planet of the Apes in 40 BBY. His father was a human ape-hater turned monkey-rights activist who ended up getting close with one of the locals, with Evazanium being the result of this strange union. Little did the happy couple know of the sheer galactic terror they had spawned in the little chimp that toddled about the house.
Summer of the MonkeyEdit
Upon reaching the age of eight, Evazanium, desperate for cash after losing a game of dejarik, sold his dad into slavery for fifty credits. Realizing the incredible things he could achieve by his obvious money-making abilities, he sold his mother too before shortening his name to Cornelius Evazan and joining the Imperial Medical Academy. He was almost immediately expelled after he was caught using the schools surgical tools for an illegal organ enlargement program he started on the side for money, with the head of the center being found guilty of helping organize these activities.
After spending seven years wandering the galaxy and mismatching people's legs and noses on the operating table (and making his own face completely unrecognizable after numerous "accidents" during surgery) and getting no less than
eleven twelve death sentences on various worlds, he suddenly saw the full financial possibilities of science. The now self proclaimed "Doctor" Evazan began setting up a questionable medical facility on Tatooine, making billions of credits off of the incredibly naive and uneducated people in Anchorhead. He was twice investigated for fraudulent medical practices, but escaped both times after the investigators mysteriously vanished, only to be found years later with various body parts put where they really, really shouldn't be. He also was briefly jailed after running over school children on his pet Bantha, Furry.
It was during this time that he met Ponda Baba, an impressionable young space monster whom Evazan performed a favor for by attaching his backside to his face. Thus their friendship began, with Baba providing victims and corpses for Evazan's mad research at the newly founded Dr. Cornelius' Feelgood Happy Clinic of Merriment and Physiological Comfort, which specialized in assuring that you would definitely not look the same when you walked out. If you were alive at all.
Encounter At the BarEdit
- "He says he doesn't like you. I don't like you either."
- ―Dr. Evazan's favorite conversation opener
- "You'll be dead!"
- ―The fateful words that ruined Dr. Evazan and Ponda Baba's day
Anyways, he would meet Ponda Baba every Friday for a meeting at the ever popular Chalmun's Cantina. Every time they met the Doctor would give Ponda a piece of flesh straight from one of his "patients" (who Baba usually had provided to the doctor earlier that morning) to eat as payment. Ponda enjoyed the meal and always ordered a Jawa juice to wash it down. Evazan and Ponda would then pass out dead drunk in the corner.
Unfortunately for Evazan and Ponda, they picked a fight with a blond haired twerp, whose grandpa (or so they thought) slashed at them with a lazersword. Ponda was dis-armed (get it? He literally lost HIS ARM! Oh, never mind) and his buttface only looked worse. Evazan somehow couldn't look any worse than he did already. Then, while making their escape from the cantina, they bumped into M'iiyoom Onith who impaled Evazan in his skull with her sharp tongue.
After all this, Evazan decided to attempt a serious operation for once in his life on his buddy to save the arm. Unfortunately, it failed miserably, with Baba last being seen fleeing into the night with his head attached to his left knee and his severed arm sowed onto his mouth. Evazan, humiliated, tried to switch bodies with another guy, and more weird plot sequences ensued, culminating with him being violated by a goat and destroying his planet with an experiment gone horribly wrong. But we don't like to talk about that. Really, you don't want to know. It isn't pretty.