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Hasn't Died Yet
|Chronological and political information|
- "I was scared, but Trooper Dan, he was stoned."
- ―PFC Fordo Gump
Dan the Stormtrooper was a stormtrooper who served the Galactic Empire on the Death Star. He had a carefree attitude, and was the sole distributor of weed and faggotry aboard the super-sized station. During firefights, he simply stayed in the back avoiding monumental or catastrophic danger, something members of his family had done for generations.
- "Are you sure about this?"
"Yeah, man, everyone's doing it. Don't be such a jack off."
"Well okay.... how much?"
"500 credits... a fairly cheap price for stuff as fine as this."
"500 credits!? I could buy a whole stash with that."
".......and your point is?"
- ―Luke Skywalker and Dan, negotiating
Dan at Imperial Boot CampEdit
- "Will there be babes?"
- ―Dan, questioning a recruiter about joining the Imperial Army
Dan joined the Imperial Army, or more specifically the Stormtrooper Corps. During his first day of induction Dan mingled and found out "drill" wasn't all what it was supposed to be. Then he met Supreme Chief Lord High Drill Instructor Fordo. During Dan's six months at Basic Training, Fordo specifically made his life a "piece of shit".
- "Dan! Front and center, recruit!"
"I want you to go to those damn Jawas and get my datapad back!"
"Sir, WTF? It's like fifty miles away."
"Last night I saw you looking at pictures of my wife, and it's time for your punishment!"
"Your wife's a porn star?"
".....*sigh* Just go."
- ―Fordo and Dan
Dan, after six months of intense and brutal training finally graduated with distinctions, which he actually stole from the "official" cadet. Dan took the opportunity, which he also stole, to go to the Empire's safest battle station, the Death Star.
Dan in the Death StarEdit
After graduating from the Imperial Academy, Dan was stationed on the Death Star, where he spent his year growing weed and starting plantations along the 500 mile diameter superstation. His day consisted of countless transactions that made Dan instantly popular among the Death Star personnel.
- "Ahem, I heard you were the one..."
"Yes, I sell a variety and even bongs, too."
"No need for the bong. This suit makes the whole experience better." *wink*
"Standard package? Twenty kilos?"
"Make it forty. I got some Twi'leks in my office."
- ―Darth Vader and Dan
Dan's assignment on the Death Star was to patrol a hallway the length Super Star Destroyer. When he patrolled it was an empty job with no one coming down the hallway whatsoever. Dan sometimes broke into song, masturbated, do cool dance moves, masturbated, scream at the top his lungs, develop theories of relativity in his head, and of course masturbated. The hallway patrol was boring and that's where Dan started the plantation of marijuana on the Death Star, plus a guy can't masturbate more then 32 times a day, and trust me Dan knows.
Dan meeting "Her"Edit
While eating a bag of bantha jerky one day, Dan suddenly stopped, and his eyes beheld the most beautiful sight he has ever seen. In the mess of hair and those curly buns and the sounds of fellow stormtroopers beating her to the ground, his heart had just fallen in love. She was being dragged to the prison block and those curly buns had brought him to his knees. He had just seen Leia, and he was determined to "bang that till it's red."
- "Hey, there... so what's up?"
"Go tell your superiors to let me free or else."
"I can't do that because I'll probably get Force choked like my buddy, but I could make you a little bit comfortable."
"Well, if you're going to make me comfortable, you should go fuck your mom and destroy your planet."
"We're still going to have sex, right?"
"........why not, haven't been demolished in years."
- ―Dan and Leia
After all those experiences, Dan knew that he and Leia would raise a family one day on Alderaan, but that would have to wait for him. Yet, his future to him contained lots and lots of interesting sex (or so he dreamed).
Dan's Commanding OfficerEdit
While Dan was assigned to the Death Star he had his standard CO. Her name was Stacy and she had a real thing for Dan. The moment she saw that smart, lazy, pessimistic, and care free Dan she just fell in love. She thought Dan was a real man who had that organic smell in him, but the truth is Dan just smelt like the herb.
- Stacy: "Private Dan have you ever noticed you smelt good?"
- Dan: "Never quite noticed...."
- Stacy: "You remind me of spring on Kashyyyk "
- Dan: "Doesn't it smell like ass and dope during spring over there? "
- ―Stacy, to Dan
Stacy wanted some of Dan she knew she had to have him. She constantly followed him around and gave him petty orders such as bending over and various stretching exercises. Stacy constantly have Dan get physicals with her doing the examinations.
- Stacy: "Ok Dan, just drop those"
- Dan: "Captain this was the third one today....I'm pretty chaffed."
- Stacy: "Well herpes is spreading so I'm going to have thoroughly search your testicles."
- — Stacy during physical examination.[src]
Dan meeting the WookEdit
- "Never smoked with a hairball before, fucking amazing."
One day after hearing that there was some malfunction in the holding cells, Dan was ordered to check the area for suspicious activity. Dan left his hallway and grabbed his blaster. Knowing Dan his power cells were crammed with buds and Laffy Taffy. As soon as the elevator opened, Dan was fucking amazed. A Wookiee grabbed Dan and began to squeeze the life out of him. To Dan's surprise his blaster didn't work and in the end his buds fell out to the ground. The Wookiee noticed the joints, and picked them up. To Dan's utter senses, the Wookiee pulled out a lighter and began smoking. Gasping with amazement, Dan did the ceremonial passing of the joint. He later died of stupidity but was ressureced from the magicalness of pot.
THE END. Yes, the fucking end!