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Darth-Mart

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"COUPONS! UNLIMITED COUPONS!"
―Palpatine when he was promoted to CEO of Darth-Mart

Darth-Mart was the Sith Order. You couldn't even be a Sith without first being a Darth-Mart employee. Most of the Sith left as soon as they were promoted to cashier or tagger, but many continued to work because they needed the money. However miserable the time they spent at Darth-Mart, where trainees were subjected to Force Lightning if they didn't follow code, it helped all the Sith in the long run because they used their pensions to do their sithly duties.

It was started on the Sith world of Korriban a long, long time ago. The head directors of Darth-Mart kept the price of cheesecake at 400 credits, so no one wanted to shop there. Finally, a young employee named Darth Bane grew frustrated that he wasn't getting paid enough Darth-Mart had no customers. He killed all the head directors, and, establishing himself as CEO, lowered the price of cheesecake to 28. It has flourished ever since.

In addition, Darth-Mart was the only Empire people ever cared about. If you're the head of the Sith Empire who cares? But everyone cares when you're the CEO of Darth-Mart. They actually respect you. Indeed, as Pappy said, it really brings unlimited power.


History Edit

Jedi Master: "The 17,857th story of how the Sith triumphed against the Jedi is a long one and not very pleasant."
Padawan: "Please, Master, tell me about it!"
Jedi Master: "It wouldn't hurt to give you the overview. Well, we can just say that we took their cheesecake and they wanted it back. Badly. So much so that they started a war that killed millions, cost billions of credits, and nearly destroyed the galaxy."
Padawan: "Oh....all that for some lousy cheesecake?"
— Jedi discussing a historic event in Darth-Mart's history

Creation Edit

The original Darth-Mart was not a Darth-Mart, but several competing discount stores started by many different Sith. They were widely unsuccessful because the Jedi store, Saberz, stole their thunder. A Sith Mega-Super-Overlord named Kaan decieded to buy out the Sith's ailing companies and defeat the Jedi in conquering the industry. So, investing in the Stock Market, he got enough seed money to buy all the stores and created Darth-Mart, with himself as CEO and the others as his assistants. This was a wise move and totally humiliated the Jedi, who were out of business and began training their followers as monks instead. It seemed the Sith had achieved total domination.

"Cheesecake Scandal" Edit

That was until the issue known years afterward as "The Cheesecake Scandal". Their supplier, a place called Senior's, had been besieged by angry Jedi. Upset that their money being taken away (that's why Jedi are so poor- no reliable source of income), the Jedi had stormed into the cheesecake factory and taken control of it. They refused to allow the Sith to buy any more cheesecake despite the numerous greeting cards the Sith sent to purchase them. Customers at Darth-Mart soon became non-existent. Finally the Jedi decided that this was no way to make money, so they started charging ridiculously high prices for the cheesecake, which the Sith paid. Because they needed to cover their losses, the price of cheesecake went up. There still weren't any shoppers. But the Sith waited.

At last one Sith by the name of Darth Bane came to his senses. He had come to his senses months ago really, but his girlfriend Githany, who was co-founder of Cheesecake Haters United (CHU) and wanted the price to stay where it was, blocked him from saying anything. Now he was frustrated. Why can't the Sith just attack the Jedi? But the CEO Kaan wanted to keep their store by more tactical means, like greeting cards. But Bane wouldn't have it. One day he snuck into the CEO conference room to spy on the top leaders. When he found out that the conference room was serving cheesecake as an appetizer he snapped. Killing all the Sith in the conference room, he led a crusade of angry, unpaid, Darth-Mart employees into the Senior's factory the Jedi took hold of. They easily defeated the Jedi, who fled the place after taking all the cheesecake they could carry (they weren't ones to turn down free desert). With the price of cheesecake at its normal discount rate, Darth-Mart was once again flourishing. Darth Bane took up the mantle of Sith CEO but with new rules.

Rules Edit

"Here at Darth-Mart we only have one rule- Sith Happens. Everything else can be found in this 750 page manual I'm about to give you."
―Darth-Mart employee speaking to some trainees

Rule of Two Edit

Darth Bane then established the Rule of Two, that is, the rule that there can't be more than two sets of people- two masters (CEOs) and two apprentices (assistant CEOs) in charge of Darth-Mart. Of course, no one ever really followed this rule because everyone thought Bane was a loser who won them some free cheesecake.

Rule of One Edit

Most of the time one person controlled Darth-Mart while their apprentice served them cheesecake... or if was a man-woman combo other things.

Rule of One and a Half Edit

Sometimes, especially during the Palpatine Age, CEOs followed the Rule of One and a Half- one master having one apprentice who was also the master of another apprentice that served cheesecake and all that other stuff. Palpatine did it with Maul to his anorexic loser of a master Darth Plagueis.

Rule of Two and a Half Edit

Rare but not unknown, this rule consists of one CEO having an apprentice while that same apprentice is double-dipping... they have two apprentices to serve them cheesecake and do the other things. The most notable case is the practically unknown assistant CEO Darth Vader, an apprentice under Sidney Ebeneezer Palpatine, trained two apprentices, Darth Secret and Sylvana Zen to serve him cheesecake and the other stuff. In this case, Secret was the one serving cheesecake while Sylvana did the other things. This did not turn out well, as Sylvana started doing the other things for Secret too... and well.... you can imagine what happened to him when Vader found out...

This rule is not recommended to any CEO with common sense.

Rule of 6,249,753 Edit

This rule consists of one CEO with everyone else serving under them. Everyone gets invited to conferences with cheesecake and gets to vote on ideas. Nobody ever really tried this one because 5 medium-sized cheesecakes can only feed so many. Plus it's a democracy, and who wants that?

Positions Edit

DARTH GREETINGS

Darth Greetings, one-time apprentice of Darth-Mart

  • Trainee (even below toilet cleaner- that's how bad it is)
  • Toilet Cleaner
  • Can I help you? service (you're probably wondering why it's below garbage collector- well, it is)
  • Garbage Collector
  • Clothing rack-keeper
  • Stacker
  • Pharmiscist
  • Truck Driver
  • Cashier
  • Baker
  • Catalog Designer
  • Assistant Manager
  • Manager
  • Assistant Director
  • Director
  • Assistant CEO
  • CEO (POWAH! UNLIMITED POWAHHH!!!)
RicOlieRight
This article is called Darth-Mart. Darth-Mart has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth-Mart can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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