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Darth Ban

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Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

Ice cream is made from neither real Ice nor real cream.

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.

Darth Ban, formerly known as Admin was a hyper-evil Lord of the Shit.

Darth Ban
Biographical information
Homeworld

Hoth

Born

the year Darth Ban was born

Physical description
Species

Darthalorian

Gender

none

Hair color

no

Eye color

yes

Cybernetics
  • mechanical butt
  • laser fang
  • additional toe on right feet
Chronological and political information

BiographyEdit

Early LifeEdit

Born as a Jedi Master named Admin he took many more Padawawawans than usual. Living on Hoth and never having received any training he fucked up a lot of them. Many died when he assigned them to some "test", i.e. going to his neighbour and getting back his hair trimmer. Neighbour[1] was quite confused, because Admin did not have any hair. So he killed quite a lot of those kids. Admin always watched his little apprentices to see if one of them would actually be able to make it. They never did. As he was about 5 years old, and about 523 padawawawans had been killed in this manner, the Jedi Council sent the all-un-mighty Horse Jedi to check out, what the hell was happening there.

Upon arriving on Alaska, he saw the huge pile of padawawawan skeletons and body in different states of decomposition, he became mighty sick and puke all Neighbour. Neighbour wanted to look, what was producing all that stink outside of his stable and come out to get a short peek. Unfortunately Alaska is a planet so damned cold, that all that barf had shock frozen and was really (and i mean really) slick. Neighbour began a slide down right into the pile of padawawawans and somehow got buried right beneath all of them. Horse Jedi, being a compassionate mount, began burying his way to all the dead wanna-be Jedi until he found Neighbour severely hurt. As fortune struck, Admin came around being bored and so decided to collapse the pile and see, what would become of his neighbour Neighbour and Horse Jedi.

"They were just too weak to become Jedi"
―Admin tells Horse Jedi, that they had just been to weak to become Jedi[src]

Unfortunately Horse Jedi was just a Horse, and Neighbour was not exactly easy to lift, so with all the weight of dead padawawawans atop him he did not manage to free the Alaskan. With an effort, that used up all his remaining POWAHH and force, he was at least able to free himself of all the dead bodies and was at least able to confront Admin. Horse Jedi accused Admin of killing all the dead padawawawans, while he said they were just to weak to become Jedi. Disturbed by Horse Jedi's apparent lack of fun at killing kids, Admin let out a mighty fart of his mechanical butt, that incinerated Horse Jedi's fur. In the cold air of Alaska and without his protective fur, Horse Jedi went amok and killed many Alaskans with his Force hind leg kick, but in the end he froze like a glass of water.

The fall to Ice CreamEdit

As he saw the deep frozen horse, a sudden urge for horse flavored Ice Cream came over Admin. Not having any past experience with making ice cream, he went to a seven force-leven and bought some cream. He hauled the frozen Horse Jedi to his home and put the cream, some parts of Horse Jedi and some of the fine Alaskan ice. Although he was not pleased with what he got, he kinda liked the taste. But wanting real Ice Cream, he put Horse Jedi into his even-deeper freezer, to keep him fresh and tasty. As Admin was just 5 years of age, he did neither own a flying license, nor die he call a ship his own. But fortunately his recently deceased neighbour Neighbour used a Super Star Destroyer for picking up his friends from the train station, which was now parked in his yard. Admin quickly faked Neighbour's testament to get the ship and be able to get to the Planet Parlor, hoping to learn something about the dark art of Ice Cream production.

"Producing Ice Cream is one of the Darkest Arts of the Dark Side of the Force. If you want to brave learning it, i will teach you what i know."
―Darth Luigi to Admin[src]

Admin had learned from the Force, that Luigi, the inventor of Ice Cream still lived on Parlor. What would normally have been a long and arduous journey turned out to be just a five minutes trip with his newly gained SSD. So he confronted Luigi and became his apprentice in the Darkest Art of the Dark Side of the Force, Ice Cream production. First he hat to take a Dark Side name, so Luigi named him Darth Ban, because he always bandaged his knee with Band Aid. Still being only a kid Ban was eager to learn and soon surpassed Luigi. Luigi soon realized, that he could not prevent Ban from creating Sith flavored Ice Cream. With two flavors, he just kicked ass and was soon able to announce the dark, unprecedented, musical, big Ice Cream Empire or just dumbICE. Based on the Super Star Destroyer Ban built a fleet of some smaller Ice Cream Dispensers. When encountering a planet, that did not want to buy their Ice Cream, they were to lay waste make some new flavors out of the planets population.

At the heights of his Ice-Cream powered reign, while eating about a ton of Ice-Cream a day, he fell sick with salmonella. Although he was not yet dead, his underlings took their chance and discovered Sith flavored Ice-Cream. Unfortunately Ban did not live to see this discovery, as he became the main ingredient.

SourcesEdit

Notes and referencesEdit

  1. He was actually called Neighbour
RicOlieRight
This article is called Darth Ban. Darth Ban has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Ban can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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