Edward Cullen, also known as Darth Cullen, Captain Cullen, That guy, No not that guy, you idiot, that one, that eyebrow guy and called Cullybear by his wife/girlfriend Bella Swan, was a humanmaleJedi who later became a Sith, just like Anakin Skywalker. He was also emo like Anakin Skywalker, and the two were often seen cutting themselves on the steps of the Jedi Temple. Both of them had not-exactly-proper feelings for Padmé Amidala and her first cousin Bella Swan, and both of them were big supporters of "The Blood Side of the Force", which was (content was removed in order to keep Darthipedia child-friendly). Unlike Anakin, however, even after Edward joined the Sith he did not turn to the Dark Side and change his evil ways. So instead, Anakin, (now in his new and totally hoppin' identity as Darth Vader), made him do his laundry and make everyone coffee. Even in this minor role Edward still managed to humiliate Vader, so Vader hired a publicist named Stephanie Meyer to make Edward seem more palatable. Noticing his unusually pale skin and emo personality, she wrote a highly romanticized version of his relationship with Bella Swan and cast him as a vampire instead of a Jedi/Sith. She named the book Twilight, which despite its crappy writing style and terrible plotline became an international bestseller for teenaged girls everywhere. Of course, she had to base a lot of it from the emotional relationship of Anakin and Padmé (who, incidentally, was Bella's employer). But Vader, angered that Pattinson Cullen upstaged him and was stealing all of the chicks, gave us this exclusive interview about the real Edward Cullen. Scroll down if you wish, but it's a sad, sad, story.
Edward was the love child of Count Dooku and one of his assistants, Elizabeth Cullen, who at the same time mothered another kid by Senator Palpatine. Like his father, Edward had a tendency to believe he was a vampire. Dooku wanted him to be raised by Elizabeth, but Elizabeth was not going to care for a little creep like that. Dooku didn't want to either, so he threatened to cut Elizabeth out of his will if she didn't take care of Edward. However, Elizabeth Cullen was already rich due to the fact that she stole Dooku's credit cards had another job but as she wanted to make some extra money off of Edward she sold him to a Jedi Master named Carlisle Jinn, Qui-Gon's brother.
Warning: The following section is an interruption brought about by an emotional outburst by Darth Ruptus. Darth Ruptus has been drinking heavily during the writing of this article and now refuses to sit quietly and continue reading. Everything said in this section is the personal opinion of Darth Ruptus and is not considered canon.
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Edward stayed at the Jedi Temple for nine years, getting stuffed into lockers and getting beaten up by Jedi kids who thought he was weird...which was true, as he got his personality (and his looks) from his father. Far from stopping the kids from beating him up, Yoda and Windu actually encouraged it and scheduled regular Saturday night cockfights Jedi would bet on. Edward turned to his master, Carlisle, for comfort. Carlisle, in addition to comforting him, turned Edward to the "blood side of the force", which Edward used with enthusiasm. Soon all the kids stopped beating him up because he fought back the emo way....he beat himself up, which was much more entertaining than them doing it. Soon people were betting on how long Edward would last against himself, and he became quite popular, although still no person except Carlisle would come within a ten-foot radius of him. As a reward, they gave him Milky Way bars, which soon became a fetish of his.
Edward: "Hey gorgeous, do you like your parrot on this shoulder, or this one?"
Bella Swan: "I'm scared!"
— Edward Cullen tries to make a pass on Bella Swan
When Edward was nine, his master Carlisle took him on a special mission: Queen Padmé Amidala of Nabooboo, a galaxy-renowned masseuse, was faced with two choices: she would either give the Trade Federation a backrub, or they would destroy her planet. Padmé refused, so the Jedi and Galactic Senate decided that Padmé's first cousin, Bella Swan, chief handmaiden to Padmé, would give out the backrubs. Wanting to make it look convincing (but actually because they thought Bella was really hot) Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn, his PadawanObi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon's brother Carlisle and Edward went to hit on protect Bella in the starship. Edward put his moves on Bella, but did nothing except creep her out (which he did to most people), so all he could do was watch in despair while she shamelessly flirted with Obi-Wan, who did not seem to mind. He was just asking if they could go binge drinking together when their starship fell under attack.
Unfortunately the lizards got a little too fond of the bottle and were all heavily drunk, so they thought the Jedi were there to kill them. Carlisle, Qui-Gon, and Edward were left to fight the lizards (Obi-Wan had to stay and protect Bella), but were vastly outnumbered by battle droids. Obi-Wan had to join the fury, and each of them were so overwhelmed by droids none of them could tell Obi-Wan his shirt was on backwards. Bella had to call Padmé on her cell phone to get her out of there, which she did by opening up a secret trapdoor that was directly under the starship. Finally Edward used the "blood side of the force" to explode the droids and create a path to the starship. However, the blast was so strong it caused damage to the hyperdrive, which made the group stop on Tatooine. No one really minded, as they now had two ladies to keep them company, and Padmé did not seem so weirded out by Edward as Bella did. On the other hand, Bella seemed quite taken with Anakin Skywalker once he arrived at their starship, which made Obi-Wan give him a good, hard glare. However, Qui-Gon and Carlisle were too busy chatting up Anakin's mother Shmi Skywalker to notice. When Qui-Gon did finally notice Anakin, he decided that Anakin was the Chosen One and must be taken to Coruscant with him for training once they fixed the hyperdrive. Bella had the brilliant idea of fixing it with chewing gum, so, after twenty packs of Trident later, the hyperdrive worked.
Unfortunately for Carlisle and Qui-Gon, Shmi had to be left behind as there was no room for her in the ship, but, to Bella's (but not Obi-Wan's) delight, Anakin was to come with them. This resulted is another good, hard glare between Anakin and Obi-Wan, who was being absolutely doted on by Bella, who was glaring at Padmé when Anakin tried sweet-talking her, who was glaring at Edward who was being made nice by Padmé. And Qui-Gon and Carlisle glared at everyone, still pining over the lost graces of Shmi. All in all, not a very pleasant ride.
Edward was left behind during the battle of Nabooboo, but not before getting kissed on both cheeks (the facial ones) by Padmé, which resulted in him being punched in the face by Anakin for good luck. Afterwards, he sent Padmé a taco coupon for Christmas.
Bella and Padmé had now become Senators, and, unfortunately for both of them, people were trying to kill them. Much to Anakin's delight (although not so much Padmé's) he was assigned to be Padmé's Jedi protector, and Edward was assigned to be Bella's. This pleased Obi-Wan, because no one in their right mind was ever going to fall for Edward "Emo" Cullen, were they? And Bella was all his.
So Anakin and Edward were duking it out over Padmé, leaving Bella to sulk in the shadows. However, after one drunken incident Padmé kissed Anakin on the lips, and, getting extremely jealous, Edward started making out with Bella. Even though Edward wasn't her ideal man, she was grateful to have some recognition and the two started dating. This made Padmé all jealous and she wanted to break up with Anakin, but then Anakin got angry and said if she wasn't going to appreciate his virtues, the maybe he would start dating Bella, which he did. Bella liked Anakin more than Edward, but she was so tightly wrapped around Edward now she couldn't stop. Anakin was persistent, and Bella didn't squash him, but Anakin was really still dating Padmé, who was still seeing Edward. And where did this leave Obi-Wan? Confused. Very Confused. I mean who wouldn't be? I'm surprised that anyone could read the stupid book...I would get confused after the first page. I got confused writing that. I'm confused.
Anakin had received word via the Jedi Hotline that his his mama Shmi was kidnapped by the Happy Pony Lovers and was going to be eaten. He had to go, and Padmé had to go with him. Bella and Edward, not wanting to be left out of the loop, demanded that they come with them. Anakin had to rescue Shmi, so Edward was left with the two ladies all to himself....you can imagine what fun the three had without Anakin. The Anakin came back the next morning with his mother's dead body, revealing that he slaughtered all of the Happy Pony Lovers, which Padmé forgave him for (even though he broke all the laws in the Code of the Jedi and he killed an endangered species, The Happy Pony Lovers.) Bella didn't, because her dad was a member of the Happy Pony Lovers, so she broke up with him and turned to Edward as her main course. This made Anakin cry. Then again, everything made Anakin cry, that whiny bitch.
The Bella receives word that Obi-Wan was captured and decides to rescue him, so Edward goes with her, making sure she doesn't renew her feelings for the Jedi Master. Anakin is still smarting over Bella's breakup with him, so he goes with them and takes Padmé along. The three get captured surprisingly quick by Edward's own father, Dooku. Dooku sentences the group of four to be eaten alive by giant rhinos. Which is sad for the rhinos; they're vegetarians.
Anakin starts playing fetch with the animals, and Padmé shows off her belly to the crowd, but besides everyone's hormones kicking in nothing happened. The Edward used "the blood side of the force" to kill all the rhinos before Dooku deployed those wimpy battle droids. Because the droids had no blood, Edward couldn't kill them, so they were all about to die when Mace Windu showed up with 200 Jedi, who were going to get killed until Yoda showed up with his clone troopers, but they were going to get killed until the Jedi deployed their giant Tyrannosaurus Rex. Unfortunately, a lot of the Jedi and clone troopers got eaten by it, so everyone had to board an escape ship to avoid being chomped on. Edward was about to board a plane with Padmé, Anakin, and Obi-Wan, but then he realized that Bella wasn't on board. When he saw her just about to be chomped on by the Tyrannosaurus, he panicked, then took a bite out of an Extra-Large Supreme Ultra Large Burrito to produce a cloud of (smelly really smelly god my nostrils are burning air that lifted Bella to safety.
After Anakin got his arm chopped off by Dooku and rescued his dream girl, the four had a secret double wedding (right after Bella took a shower; that gas was smelly): Edward and Bella and Anakin and Padmé. Then they went to a Fallout Boys concert and spent the next afternoon cutting themselves with blunt knives.
Three years later, Padmé reveals to the other three she is pregnant. Two weeks later, it turns out that Bella is also pregnant, causing everyone to celebrate with loads of cheap beer.
One day Bella shows Edward the Wal-Mart circular she gets. If you cut out the coupon and entered the access code you could get your free Sith membership card! Edward asked Anakin whether he'd join, when it turns out that Anakin already applied directly to the Sith registration Chairman himself and got the job, taking on the name Darth Vader. Edward decided it would be good because to join because the Sith don't ask you to get into cockfights with yourself, which hurt (Edward once got a paper cut), so he joined and took on the name Darth Cullen. Bella was proud of Edward for finally getting a job and not relying on handouts from her, because she needed all the money she could get to pay for her Wookiee waxes, especially since she was pregnant.
However, Padmé wasn't so thrilled with Vader because this would mean he would stop being whiny, which made her laugh. She now wanted a divorce, which made Vader so angry he crushed her neck. Bella got extremely mad at Vader for doing that to her cousin, so she used the Force bitch slap on him, knocking him into the lava and leaving him all charred. Anakin crawled back out of the lava, but now he needed a life-sustaining suit.
Padmé died after giving birth to her two daughters one son and one daughter, which made Edward and Bella cry. Anakin didn't cry because his eyeducts were gone after the lava incident.
About three weeks later, Bella gave birth to a daughter she named Renesmee, named after the bottle of French wine she downed while going into labor.
Darth Vader: "Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
Luke: "I want a paternity test!"
―Luke and Vader facing a revelation
Sighing and moaning, Darth Lucas cut the scene and got doctors to give Luke and Darth Vader a paternity test. Surprisingly, the results came back negative. Noticing Edward was looking very fidgety, Darth Vader asked him what was wrong. Edward admitted that yes, he had relations with Padmé and yes, he was the father of Luke, and Leia too. Vader then revealed the secret he'd been hiding for twenty years: he spent quality time with Bella around the time she was pregnant with Renesmee. Edward made Renesmee and Vader do a paternity test and the results were positive. Edward and Vader resorted to traditional actions Sith did when they were pissed at each other. Unfortunately for Edward, Vader was higher up then he was in the Sith hierarchy, so he could humiliate Edward a lot more than Edward could humiliate him.
Imperial Officer #1: "What kind of Sith Lord can't teach people to serve coffee?"
Imperial Officer #2: "I know, what a loser!"
— Two Imperial Officers before facing Vader's wrath
Because Vader was his superior, Vader demoted in the Sith Order and made Edward serve under him as a Captain in the Imperial Army as punishment for fathering his kids (although they weren't really his kids....does that make sense?), on top of Vader finding a pair of Padmé's thongs hidden in Edward's dresser. However, the now Captain Cullen would not do anything combative, which Vader found too interesting for him, so Edward had to polish Vader's helmet, do his laundry, and serve the other, more important, officers coffee. But Edward was able to get back at the Sith Lord in a small ways. He spray-painted Vader's helmet with "I LOVE RAINBOW UNICORNS", put itching powder into his life-sustaining suit which Vader couldn't scratch, and spilled coffee all over the sensitive parts of the Imperial Officers. Of course, this made Bella leave him and start living with Vader, but ultimately, Vader was the victim.
Vader was blamed with Edward's incompetence as he was under Vader's care, and soon became the laughingstock of the entire Army. Vader was able to deal with most of the officers, but when he got a letter from Palpatine concerning Edward, Vader decided to take action right after he took a slightly above-average sized dump.
Unable to take the humiliation any longer, Vader hired an unknown publicist named Stephenie Meyer to save his image by making Edward a model of "virtue", promising to pay her 1,000 Snackeroonies after she was done (as if she really needed them, with the way she looks). Obeying Vader's command, Stephenie wrote a highly fictionalized story about Edward's relationship with Bella, and named the story Twilight. Because Darth Azula paid Stephenie 1,000 more Snackeroonies (why don't you just stick an apple in her mouth and end it????) to humiliate her arch-nemesis Darth Hale, Meyer rewrote the novel and cast Darth Hale as Rosalie Hale, an annoying vampire bitch with anger issues. Despite being the worst book in the history of the galaxy, females became obsessed with the novel, and consequentially forced their boyfriends to read it. Edward became extremely popular thanks to it.
Unfortunately, Edward became too popular for Vader's liking. All the good-looking groupies who used to flock to him came to Edward instead. Bella, who was living with Vader at the time, even came back to him. Mara Jade was known to constantly flirt with him at dinner parties Vader used to be invited to but since Edward was invited, they couldn't find a spot for him. Darth Hale even quit trying to do her therapist and snuck into Edward's apartment and they....yep, Darth Hale was one crazy bitch. So Vader's attempt to win back popularity backfired.
Hoping to ruin Edward's reputation, Darth Vader then supplied Darth Ipedia with an interview that contains all this article's information, which Ipedia later stored in his holocron. Darth Clone happened upon it and gave it to the person who wrote that article as a thank-you present for writing Clone's biography.
Nothing else exciting happened in Edward's life except for the fact that he was reunited with his son Luke and then killed him...if that was even interesting, because we all knew that Luke was going to die anyway. Basically, nothing exciting is gonna happen...For now.