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Darth Damien

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Biographical information
Homeworld

Earth

Physical description
Species

demon

Gender

male

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

Darth Secret era

10103318-1-

Damien learns from Palpatine that shit is about to happen

Darth Damien was, oddly enough, the son of Satan and the scourge of the Galaxy. Darth Secret and the Force conceived him so that the Jedi may have their sorry asses PWNed. Palpatine adopted Damien. A knife blow to the chest destroyed Damien. Christ didn't appear before Damien. It turns out Darth Damien was the weakest experiment the Sith have ever conducted, hence his step-daddy's remark, "Holy Sith!" upon seeing his new kid.


Origin and birthEdit

Darth Damien wasn't always named Darth Damien. Sad, but true. Disappointingly true. He was born of a jackal, when the jackal wandered into the hospital and shat him out into the world. What love. Anyway, Damien was adopted by two rich kids, who had just had their baby aborted because the mum couldn't stand that bitch. Damien was then adopted into the family by his totally unsuspicious parents. "Tonight, Mr Thorn, God has given you a son," said a priest who would pop up later, had it not been for Mace Thorn, Damien's step-dad, raping him to death on the spot.


Damien hated his step-parents from the start, cos he was different from his uptight political family as he loved rock 'n roll and one day he was run over by a car and went to Hell where he met his real dad, Satan. Satan told him he was too early but convinced him to listen to more moosic and chill the funk out. Anyway, Damien was resurrected by a doctor who he personally raped. Damien loved rape. Anyway, cut to six years later when he realizes his parents aren't giving shit to him. He chucks his mum downstairs and kills her foetus.

His totally unspsicious parents have, like, before hired a nanny to oversee Damien, but the nanny immediately teaches him in the ways of the Force where he learns to hypnotize people and become President. Later, the nanny has lesbian sex with Damien's mum and it ends with the mum flying out of a hospital window and smashing into a van. Back in the planet Isreal, Damien's step-dad finds out the Devil is Damien's real daddy. The step-dad seems to be the only one who takes any interest in his step-son. His mum's a whiny loser. But anyway the step-dad is given some knives to kill the demon infant. He goes back to Alderaan but is shot dead by Stormtroopers before he can get anywhere near the altar.


Satan cadetsEdit

Damien is adopted, again, by his step-dad's brother and his familee. The Force kills the man who gave the knives to his step-dad in the first movie. Damien was put there in purpose onto his step-uncle's family because his step-aunt is the Whore of Alderaan. Yep, his step-aunt is Leia Solo, and his step-uncle, the famed adventurer Han. Han goes to Alderaan so that shit may happen, but it does and Leia turns the tables and says "Yousa mine now, bitch!" and stabs her fuck buddy in the chest. Damien sets fire to the Jedi Temple in which all this shit takes place by chucking a grenade at it. Then whaddya know, he walks out and acts as a sicofant to the Stormtroopers which have come to surround the place.


That's how you become presidentEdit

Damien is adopted by Palpatine and then he is well on his way to become President of the Galaxy. President, man. Of the whole galaxy! He becomes President with Palpy's help. This is how he gains the name "Darth" Damien. Darth Damien finds some monks are out to get him. So the Darth Damien imposes SOPA on the monks and kills the monks one by one and ultimately fucks a journalist. The journalist's son turns out to be the reincarnated Jesus Christ, and therefore Darth Damien stabs himself in the chest with a dagger when he realizes this. The most powahful villain in cinematic history reduced to a loser in seconds. Shame.


RemakeEdit

Anyway, his legacy lives on in the 2006 remake.

RicOlieRight
This article is called Darth Damien. Darth Damien has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Damien can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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