- "Get in my belly!"
- ―Darth Fat Guy to the majority of his victims
|Darth Fat Guy|
20 years ago
20 years after
The Size of Mt. Sorrow
Lighter tint of Gold
The breasts are secretly cybernetic implants
|Chronological and political information|
Darth Fat Guy was a Super-Evil-Sith Mega-Super-Overlord during the Rise of the Pants Era. He was apprentice of Darth Chef and was the boss in the infamous Burrito Gauntlet, and the brother of Jek Tono Porkins. He killed thousands of skinny people with thousands of burritos and enchiladas and his specialized lightsaber. He then conquered a galaxy of 1 planet, which were home to the most obese people ever. He trained in the infamous restaurant Burrito King as a Sith apprentice, which would one day be the death place of Darth Bill, a brutal enemy of his. He was killed in Mustafar after a mission where he was ordered to collect lava so he could power his oven ended in magnificent failure. He was involved in Darth Bob's plan to kidnap Darth Elmo, where his job was to sit on Darth Elmo and knock him out.
Darth Fat Guy was born on Alderaan to a random female who had just ate a milkball that appeared outta nowhere. On his birth, he was fatter then a normal baby
boy guy would be (265 pounds to be exact). This would be due to the force's awkward properties when he was born, but he would not know about it until later into his life. As a kid, he tried attracting the ladies by regularly going to populated places and dancing to the sacred song "Milkshake". Many, many people where incidentally killed in the mating process, which sent out some vibe in the Force that a lot of Sith were interested in. His big break would come when the local bully challenged Darth Fat Guy to a highly publicized duel (to the death!) which Darth Fat Guy won by throwing the first punch which disfigured his face really badly and smattering him under his massive weight. Darth Chef saw the pure evil inside of his fat and took him under his cape as his apprentice.
Training of the FatEdit
- "You mean I get to sit around and eat stuff for free?"
- ―Darth Fat Guy
Darth Chef took Darth Fat Gut to the local Burrito King to train for the next 2-5 years. Darth Fat Guy trained in the ways of the force by eating a lot of food from Burrito King itself. His training would not be without hardships; he had massive diarrhea from eating the food 24/7, and he also emitted a lot of gas on one occasion, which lead to a lot of people being killed in the Burrito King. This would be Burrito King's first incident (the second being Darth Bill's death there). He was also trained extensively in the way of Force Dancing. During the training, he saw his weight increase to impossible-proportions. He'd found that he could not see his junk anymore and his arms were covered to the bone with fat. Additionally, he discovered that he had grown breasts (which to his surprise, would squirt acid). He also trained (waved around) with a specialized lightsaber created by Darth Chef himself, which look more like a big-ass knife then a saber. After only a few days, he declared the training complete and gave him the name of Darth Fat Guy. He was then sent on his first mission.
His first mission would be to go to the planet of Hoth to capture a master-Jedi that had never been caught before. See, Hoth was really-really cold before the infamous Battle of Hoth (where it was in fact a little bit hotter). He was then able to survive on this then freezing weather because of his massive proportions, which kept him warmer than Hoth's sun. When he finally reached the Jedi, he was in a slightly dark and unpredictable cave where the two were standing epically, ready to fight. Darth Fat Guy then began to use Force Dancing on his victim. This confused the Jedi but also hurt him in ways that he'd never imagined. The two then began their lightsaber battle as he took out his lightsaber and cut the Jedi's saber in two while unknowingly hitting a pipe that says "Do Not Cut". Darth Fat Guy then used his breasts on the Jedi, seducing him and effectively killing him. He won the battle but he felt really hungry after, so he used Force Eat on the now deceased Jedi. After leaving the cave, Fat Guy found a conveniently placed Star Destroyer and flew back to Burrito King where he told his master that the Jedi was dead and he was promoted to Sith Lord. The death would come as a massive victory for the Sith. However, its cost would be Hoth's eventual global warming.
- "Yo queiro Burrito King? Yo queiro dominatio!"
- ―Darth Fat Guy
Darth Fat Guy was already a
highly-regarded Sith. Taking on many missions given to him by his master Darth Chef, he had killed aquitrillions of Jedi, Younglings, innocent people and innocent creatures, all for simple stuff like Sith spices, certain kinds of bugs, priceless antiques and many other stuff. During this time, he also created the Burrito Gauntlet which mostly consisted of Mexicans. Darth Bill became a major enemy of the Burrito Gauntlet after he figured out that the Mexican labor would be beneficial for his company; Fat Guy and Bill both duked it out only once in a highly glitzy battle inside his local Burrito King only for Darth Fat Guy to win thanks to the help of cheap Mexican labor. Darth Bill swore he would one day take revenge on Darth Fat Guy and the entire gauntlet, but he would die before he could take his revenge in the very same Burrito King that Fat Guy trained in early in his life.
Conquering a PlanetEdit
Despite his high-profile status of getting menial stuff and being a boss of a major gang, Darth Fat Guy had not yet felt like he was truly Sithy enough. He then heard from some random guy that the most popular Siths PWNATE by conquering planets, so he decided to conquer Delekh, a planet truly chosen at random. He then took his Star Destroyer, went down to the surface and unleashed a major massacre of major proportions. You should have seen it! It was awesome with all the chaos, burrito chunks, and bloody corpses everywhere! It's like that scene in 300, y'know? But since you were busy expanding it to images of Karen Traviss, you missed out on the greatest battle of all time. Anyways, Darth Fat Guy then went up to the throne and declared himself the ruler of this planet, and also declared that there would be a new era of really, really fat people. After the speech, he formally made exercise forbidden on the planet and destroyed all of the local gyms. He then found out that conquering a planet was hard work and he instantly retired from planet conquering but not before destroying the planet of this one dude who objected to using only an Optical Rip-your-guts-out SMG.
Acquiring the sword ExcaliburEdit
- "The ogre's butt!"
- ―Darth Ruber's last words.
After successfully destroying a planet, his apprentice Darth Chef sent him to acquire a legendary sword located on Endor that would grant his master untold power. In truth, he wanted simply to use it to chop vegetables simply because his hatchet had gotten rusty. Not wanting to regularly purchase more cooking supplies, he figured that a magical one would never require a replacement.
Unbeknowst to him, another Sith Lord known as Darth Ruber had tried to acquire the sword, but had made the mistake of entrusting the task to his mentally retarded pet griffin, who naturally ended up dropping it into a forest. Darth Fat Guy ate everything in his sight to locate the sword, including trees and the local Ewok natives. He eventually found it, only to be interrupted by the former member of the Jedi.
Because he didn't feel like coming up with a compromise with the fellow Sith Lord, he decided to battle him to the death. Deciding to dogpile the fellow evildoer, Ruber sent his living weapon henchmen to slaughter the half-a-ton man. This did not prove to be effective as all, as Darth Fat Guy forced them all to get into his belly. Getting desperate despite insisting a "motherless ogre" such as him would never overcome "the greatest knight in Camelot", Ruber then shoved his pet griffin in front of the sumo wrestler as a distraction while he tried to stab him in the back with his sword.
However, Darth Fat Guy ultimately proved to be too quick for him despite the fatty's massive bulk. After devouring Ruber's pet griffin (unsurprisingly it tasted just like chicken), he then sat on top of Darth Ruber, breaking most of the bones in his opponent's body. He then finished the dark knight off with a toxic fart, causing him to suffocate from the fumes. Afterwards, Darth Fat Guy returned Excalibur to Darth Chef...suffice to say he was somewhat frustrated when he found out what Darth Chef actually planned to use with it, but his master caused him to forget all about it by feeding him lots of junk food.
Role in the Suicide DarthsEdit
After Darth Elmo made fun of him for being so obese, he decided to get revenge on him. Joining the group founded by Darth Bob, known as the Suicide Darths, Darth Fat Guy was the one responsible for kidnapping Darth Elmo and bringing him to their hideout, managing to knock him out cold by sitting on him. He later fed the Muppet a radioactive burrito, causing him serious pain. After Darth Animal invaded the base and started pwning everybody, he was forced to retire from the group.
- "I SHALL BE FOREVER FAT!!!"
- ―Darth Fat Guy
Darth Fat Guy would come to an unfortunate end when Darth Chef sent him on one unknowingly last mission, getting lava from Mustafar so he could power his oven. Darth Fat Guy went to the planet and began to collect the lava using a nearby Starbucks cup he found. After a couple of days of collecting lava, he began getting gradually slimmer due to Mustafar's near incinerating heat. Darth Fat Guy also began to grow weaker and weaker, as if the force was leaving his body. He then called out to Darth Chef to save him from certain doom but after realizing that he wasn't coming, he then cursed his master for letting him die (not knowing that every Sith is deceptive, duh!). After becoming really skinny, he "tragically" died and fell into a vat of lava conveniently placed below him.
After the death of Darth Fat Guy, the people on Delekh mourned the death of their leader by building statues of Darth Fat Guy nearly everywhere. By the end of the era, the planet would eventually be covered with statues. His death was also an inspiration for fat people everywhere after he was portrayed dying fighting the greatest evil of all... skinny people! One guy even named himself Darth Fat Guy Jr. to carry on Fat Guy's legacy, though he died of a heart attack later on. Everybody else decided to ignore his legacy (those skinny bastards!) and just said good riddance.
Behind the ScenesEdit
- Darth Fat Guy was to be originally skinny during birth, but that wouldn't be within the realm of weird... now would it?
- A character called Darth Fat Guy was created by Burrito King as their mascot. It would be used to promote the fact that "Darth Fat Guy eats at Burrito King and so should you, or else we'll destroy your planet!".
- Darth Fat Guy was played by Jack Black in the popular film adaptation.
- He has moobs. Moobs!
- Wiki Wars Episode I: The Nerdish Menace (small cameo)
- Darth Fat Guy: The Movie
- Ranks of the Sith
- Burrito King's official website
- Darthballz: The Official Biography of Darth Fat Guy
- Darth Chef's Personal Diary
- Rise Of The Pants: The Epic
- The Pop-up Encyclopedia of Sith Lords
- Burrito Gauntlet: The Infamous Group
- The Book of Delekh
Notes and referencesEdit
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 Darth Fat Guy: The Movie
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 Darthballz: The Official Biography of Darth Fat Guy
- ↑ Burrito King's official website
- ↑ SNN
- ↑ Ranks of the Sith
- ↑ An Inconvenient Truth
- ↑ 7.0 7.1 Darth Chef's Personal Diary
- ↑ Burrito Gauntlet: The Infamous Group
- ↑ Some Delekh victim
- ↑ The Book of Delekh
- ↑ A Tribute to Darth Fat Guy
- ↑ How Darth Fat Guy died fighting the skinny
- ↑ Darth Fat Guy Jr., His Story