Darth Garfunkel

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Darth Garfunkel
Biographical information

The only planet in the galaxy

Physical description




Hair color


Eye color

Sithly yellow

Chronological and political information

Old Republic



Known masters

Simon the Killer Ewok

"So I'll continue to continue to create clone bodies... so my life will never end... And Sith Lords never bend... with the Knightfall..."
―Darth Garfunkel

Darth Garfunkel was a Sith Underlord well-remembered for his unique hairstyle and his unusual career move of apprenticing himself to a non-Sith, Simon the Killer Ewok.

A ragamuffin childEdit

Darth Garfunkel was born on Tatooine, because everyone else was. He turned to the Dark Side after an ill-fated trip to the hairdresser's, when his eyes were stabbed by the flash of a crimson light.

In the company of strangersEdit

Darth Garfunkel's first Sith job was in the Coruscant Department of Redundancy Department, where he enjoyed success as a low-level bureaucrat until failing to acquire necessary additional information pertaining to a mysterious female individual, thus leaving him unable to complete the relevant records.

Disgraced, Lord Garfunkel was summarily fired. While waiting at the airbus station (with a ticket for his destination), he first met his future partner, Simon the Killer Ewok, who was homeward bound for Endor.

Old friendsEdit

Garfunkel, now teamed with Simon, embarked upon the mass murdering rampage for which he earned the epithet "The Big Bright Mean Dismemberment Machine." Republic authorities devoted considerable resources to tracking them down, but all their teams came back to them in shades of decapitation.

The infamous "Massacre in Coruscant Central Park" took place during this era; Garfunkel helped Simon to kill as many Coruscanti as they could before authorities arrived, and in the plaza there he saw ten thousand people—maybe more—people screaming without their limbs, people bleeding through bisected chins. Meanwhile, the words of the Jedi were written on the Temple walls, and Garfunkel cursed them all. The massacre was Garfunkel's greatest achievement as a Sith, though Simon took most of the credit.

The obligatory crossoverEdit


Darth Garfunkel versus the X-Men.

Years later, Garfunkel encountered a rift in the space-time continuum and was transported into the X-Men universe, where he wooed and married Jean Grey, much to the consternation of Professor Xavier, who interrupted the wedding and got his legs broken by Simon for his trouble.

This article is called Darth Garfunkel. Darth Garfunkel has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Garfunkel can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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