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Darth Hades

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{{{homeworld: Olympus


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Biographical information
Died

Currently trapped in Hyperspace

Physical description
Species

God

Gender

Male (confirmed by Meg

Height

Human height, able to exist in mutiple pockets of infinite interdimensional storage space

Hair color

Blue when calm, red-yellow when angry

Eye color

Black like Snape's, staring dark into your soul...

Cybernetics

His Plunk droids

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

1990s movie era

Affiliation

His Pet

Known masters

Satan

Known apprentices

Darth Scar




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Darth Hades sends the Plunk droids on their merry way. Notice the One Ring on his thumb.

Darth Hades was the most mixed-up, confused, overdramatisized out of all the Greek gods, evah. Some people said he was the nemesis of Jedi Master Hercules, some people said he was the nemesis of Jedi Master Perseus and was trying to release the Kraken! Others said he hated his own brother... which sounds oddly familiar... strangely familiar... hmmm... I wonder why all Disney villains want to commit fratricide?????...


A Little Dark for you, isn't it, Disney?Edit

Darth Hades choked on moussaca before he visited Olympus to make Olympuns of his fellow gods. His brother Zeus showed him his son, Hercules, who Hades mispronounced Herules. Cough. Then he went back to the Underworld but not before he told his brothers he'd love to stay and get high with them, he'd love to, but he had more booze down in the Underworld, he did, then the gods did on their high mountain.

If there was one god you did not want to mess with, it was HADES... Anyway, Darth Hades returned to the Underworld and found he was late for a meeting with the Fates, three young hot women, as opposed to the three old bitches depicted in that Disney classic. From them, the enraged Sith Lord learned there was something Sithy going on: Fifty years from now, the planets would align, freeing the Titans from their ethereal prison, which Hades got high on! This was such good news, that he fucked the Fates. Then he asked for more info, no, he never did. Against his wish, the Fates told him that unless he defeated that old bag then Hercules would come up and PWN him, re-inKartanating himself with the powah of the Force! Darth Hades flew into a fit, and fired the Fates. Thus said, he went about his way to kill a god.


A failed assassinationEdit

You know, when they talk of assassinations, you think of Lincoln and stuff, to quote Rose Tyler. But anyway, this did happen. Hercules was about to be assassinated by Pain and Panic, the comic relief minions of Darth Hades, but this failed when Zeus and Roxanne discovered the baby was being raped and threw the evil, perverted minions off the mountain. They fell to Earth and were killed by marijana farmers. Their story ends there. Sad.

Nonetheless, Hercules obtained god-like strength... Hang on a minute... Wasn't he already a god? He was the son of fucking ZEUS, AFTER ALL, PEOPLE! I never thought of it at the time, but surely being the son of the most powerful Olympian god would give the son of the most powerful Olympian god superhuman strength! COME ON! One plothole left!

Hercules grew up on Earth and was viciously bullied at his academy years, until his stepparents saw him kill a rabbit with his bare hands and reluctantly told him the truth of his ancestry. With no basis to go on, Hercules believed himself to be the son of a god and set off to find his birthplace.


Meeting popsEdit

Hercules: I'm so pissed... I have nowhere to go... I don't know what to do. Hey look, a temple.

(In the temple)

Hercules: Help me, almighty Zeus statue. I don't know where I came from, but I'm the son of a god. (Beat) Obviously.

(Zeus statue speaks)

Zeus statue: Hercules, I am your father.

Hercules: No! Not you! It cannot be! NOOO!

Zeus statue: Search your heart, you know it to be true.

Hercules: No. Anyone but you! NOOOOOO!

Zeus statue: I am your father. Oh didn't you hear? Yeah, those paternity tests finally got back. Yup, double checked and everything. I'm your new daddy! Don't think this means you'll finally have a "real" family, now. Actually, it just means I have to pay child support. In fact, fuck you. Goddamn child support


(Later)

Hercules: (to the statue) I have never had so much fun in my life! I'm killing monsters, left, right and center!

Zeus statue: Good, good, son. You're doing an old man proud.

Hercules: I'm so famous you could literally bury me in my cash!

Zeus statue: But you're not a true hero, yet.

Hercules: Whaddya mean? A true hero? How do you become that, exactly?

Zeus statue: ... Fuck you.


Anyway, six years laterEdit

Anyway, six years later. Darth Hades picks a certain date to unleash the Plunk droids, the plUNk droids, and conquer Olympus. He tells Hercules to go off to a movie or something, and get him out of the way. He gives the gods an ultimatum: To stop stealing his high-fire porn, or he will destroy them.

Nevertheless, the gods refuse to listen, so Darth Hades puts his plan into action. The Plunk droids are free when the planets align, marking the end of the world as the Mayans allegedly predicted it. So the robots converge on Olympus, turn everyone there into mindless slaves, and trap Zeus in quicksand lava. Darth Hades tells a Cyclops to kill Hercules, which it does. But thanks to Hercules being friends with Kyle Katarn he re-inKartanates himself and flies to Olympus and gives Hades a good spanking. Hades flies off back to the Underworld and is pushed down the toilet by Hercules. The end.

RicOlieRight
This article is called Darth Hades. Darth Hades has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Hades can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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