"Who in this park, or even in the whole world, doesn't have problems? Who doesn't have a drink too many times once in a while and maybe even winds up passed out in their own driveway, pissing themselves? Who doesn't drink too much sometimes or who doesn't have a puff from time to time? And who doesn't have problems with the people they love? This is our home. This is our community."
―Darth Lahey's motto
"Sometimes it's better to watch a shit tree grow instead of shitting the shitapple out of it."
―Lahey on gardening
"Did you see that Randy? A shit apple driving a shit mobile."
―Lahey on his lover
"Shiterpillar growing into a shit moth."
―Lahey on metamorphosis
"Julian is sexy, SHHHHIIIIIIIIT!"
―Lahey's thoughts on his enemy during a duel
Jim Fucking Lahey is a Shit Mega-Super-Overlord and supervisor of his battle station, Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Lahey can be seen fighting battles with the triple Sith alliance of his fellow trailer park dwellers to gain control of the valuable Dagobah green they grow. Lahey has been active since 1987 as a cop, drunken bastard, and a douchebag. He's been married to Randy Bo-Bandy since 2000.
Selma Fucking Bouvier II was born to parents Patty and Selma Bouvier on February 24th, 1950 on a sea train in Superova Scotia. He was raised by a stimulated puma named Steve French. It was then that he took a different surname to make sure he didn't become like his gay fathers, Patty and Selma. Selma Jr's full name became James Steve Fucking Lahey-French-Bouvier II. When Lahey was 13, French abandoned him for a slut-cheetah, leaving the boy to fend for himself in the wild. Half-starved, Jim was taken in by Palpatine and became a Sith Lord at the age of 30. His Sith name was Darth Lahey and his real name became Jim Fucking Lahey II. At the age of 37, he left Palpatine and became lost in the forests of Supernova Scotia.
For about a month, Lahey lived in the forest, and then, he saw his old friend - Steve French. Jim and Steve eyed each other like the beasts they were. They leapt into the air and began to fight, until a man named Bubbles rescued the Sith and took him home to Sunnyvale Trailer Park in his go-cart. For 23 years, Lahey protected the park from evil. Sort of.