Darth Malak
Biographical information

4000-something ABR

Physical description


Hair color

what hair?

Chronological and political information

Very Old Republic

Known masters


This article is called Darth Malak. Darth Malak has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Malak can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Darth Malak.
"You are here to defeat me, Revan? First you must listen to my long monologue about the power of the Dark Side, including unsubtle mocking comments about your failure to have kept it..."
―Darth Malak

Darth Malak was a guy who became a Sith Lord on the advice of his high school guidance counselor. He was best friends with Revan, despite the fact that Revan liked to beat him up. He was secretly jealous of Revan, who was really cool, while Malak was picked on at Jedi training school. He was supposedly killed by Revan after stealing his girl, but in reality he was done in when HK-47 knocked off a brilliant quote in his face, Malak realizing that he would never quote as well as hachkay (as well as the revelation that Revan never liked his spinach puffs) drove Malak to kill himself. He lost his jaw after eating a very hot bowl of oatmeal. He vowed never to eat oatmeal again.


"Okay, Sith army, pick yourself up and sally fawwwwgh..." [reattaches jaw] "Sally fauuwwwwgh..." [reattaches jaw, sighs] "Sally forth."
―Darth Malak, leading his troops

Darth Vader was so jealous that Darth Malak got his cool Jaw replacement, he decided to pour oatmeal all over his body, making him have to wear a solid suit over Malak's wimpy metal jaw. Malak was later seen crying that Vader stole the only thing that made him cool and had to go on the Jerry Springer Show.

Darth Malak was born the son of some Conservative idiot named Peter Solomon on the Isles of Langerhams in planet New York on the west side of the Galaxy. Darth Malak's birth name was Zach, but he dissed it as he didn't want to be associated with that loser of his father. Since then, Darth Malak was inherited a large sum of money, which turned out to be a pot of honey, because his father was deaf. Malak was so infuriated about recieving only a pot of honey when everyone else in his family had received a million quid and therefore he blew up his father's house with WTF BOOM. He delved into backstreet New York for awhile, killing pidgeons and attending Black Magic: the Gatherings. He came to light as a petty thief. Many years later, Malak broke into his family's home and shot his grandmother, a worthless old bitch who does nothing to enlighten the story and in fact her death only serves to Jump the Shark. Malak stole some pyramid, killed a taxi driver, and then invited an American professor to the Capitol Building in Washington DC under premise of gay sex. The professor upchucked upon seeing gay sex between Malak and Peter Solomon in the building, and shot Malak dead. Malak later tried to sacrifice Peter's ass on a black altar, which was sexy, but the CIA came in and arrested him.

As a Hot Twi'lek Girl

Revan later force-changed Malak into a sexy Twi'lek dancer chick, stripping Malak of all of his force powers. Now unable to be a Sith, he decided to become a dancer on Taris.

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