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Darth Nihilus

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DarthScream
Darth Nihilus
Biographical information
Homeworld

The Bahamas

Born

Sumtime B4 teh 2nd B3st G@m3 3v3r!

Died

Sumtime afta teh 2nd B3st G@m3 3v3r!

Physical description
Species

Weirdo, later Human, for some reason…

Gender

Male… maybe[1]

Height

1.89 meters, (Weirdo) 2.02 meters (Human)

Hair color

Orc dreads(Both as Weirdo and Human)

Eye color

Goggle eyes, (Weirdo)[2] later became black holes (Human)

Cybernetics

Dat fancy hand of his

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

Sometime during teh 2nd B3st G@m3 3v3r!

Affiliation
  • The Elder Weirdos
  • Rastafarians[3]
  • Sith
  • Sith Triumvirate
Known masters

Kreia[4]

Known apprentices

Visas Marr

«Mumble grumble rabble rabble sheeeesjj.»
―Darth Nihulus in L33t

Darth Nihilus was a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord with a severe speech impediment and a tendency towards necrophilia. Little is known of his early life as no galactic historians were able to decipher anything he said past "Mumbogooorroshkeee", which could be roughly translated to "Destroy your planet". What is known is that he was a goggle-eyed weirdo, and that he became Human when one of the baddest muthafuckas in the galaxy, Revan, PWNed the Mandalorians near a smelly Sithy planet. Nihilus became the apprentice to Kreia the Hag, and he eventually betrayed her along with a zombie and threw her out of their Sith club, citing, "NO GIRLZ ALOWED!!! LOLZ!!!" It is another proven fact that he and the zombie had something of a bromance, like House and Wilson or Starsky and Hutch.

On one of Nihilus' dope binges, he killed a bunch of old Jedi and took a blind chick named Visas Marr as his apprentice, housemaid, and 'ho. She eventually betrayed when she fell in love with a human female hardcore lesbian known only as the Jedi Exile. They teamed up with another of the baddest muthafuckas in the galaxy, Mandalore the Preserver of all things F&^king Awesome!!!, and PWNed Nihilus. A short later, the Exile PWNed Nihilus' zombie bro and smelly former Hag Master, bringing an end to their little club.

Early lifeEdit

"Geez, I think I'll go over to The One's camp and score some dope."
―Nihilus, as a Rakatan

Before he became a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord, Darth Nihilus was a goggle-eyed freak affiliated with the Elder tribe who lived in the Bahamas. Because he was a Rastafarian,[5] he smoked a lot of dope. More than Cheech and Chong. That's a true fact. Anyway, one day, he accidently crippled one of the Elder's wives, causing the Elder weirdos to climb the Temple of Ancients near their enclave, find a starship and kick him off world. Not knowing where to go, he hoped to score some more dope, since he was not allowed to take any of his possessions with him.

Exile and transformationEdit

"Fuck you, old woman! Me and my zombie friend are taking over the Sith now!"
―Nihilus as Sion makes Traya suffer... indignities

During his exile, some snot-nosed punk told Nihilus on Taris that he could score some awesome dope on the weird green-rock Sith planet Malachor V. However, he found Malachor V when the badass violet lightsaber-wielding Jedi Revan—who stole Samuel L. Jackson's... err... Mace Windu's saber from his trailer—[6] successfully PWNed some old, smelly Mandalorian and his gang of punks. Nihilus' future nemesis, the hardcore lesbian Human female known as the Jedi Exile, got the order from Revan to activate a PWNage machine, killing a lot of his allies and the Mandalorian gang of punks. Nihilus was caught in the blast, which somehow distorted his voice and changed his species to Human, and his ship crashed on the freaky planet.

On Malachor V, Nihilus discovered that the snot-nosed punk lied to him about the planet having dope, but he found that he could get high off of dark side energy. A Sith witch known as Kreia, or the Hag, beat the crap out of Nihilus, and promised to teach him how to get high by killing hordes of people at a time. The Hag didn't understand why Nihilus cared nothing for Sith teachings, little did she know he was a Rastafarian. She would often catch him smoking dope in between her boring-ass lectures. Soon, Nihilus and the zombie Sith Darth Sion turned on the Hag, stripped her from the Force—and, we regret to say, her robes—and banished her from their little Sith club.

Dark Lord of the SithEdit

«I wonder where my dope is. Damn it, Visas, you supposed to be my ho and my maid! Why can't you keep track of anything?»
―A typical query from Nihilus to Visas Marr

He traveled to the Miraluka world Katarr, where he got high by killing a bunch of Jedi and everyone else except for a hot white chick named Visas Marr. He promised to spare her life provided she clean his ship, called the Ravages of Time. Nihilus also, uhh, lent Marr out to his cronies for, uhh, special purposes. She eventually betrayed him when she fell in love with the Jedi Exile after he sent Marr to ask the Exile where he could score some dope… for sentimental reasons, of course.

Death... and resurrection?Edit

"Exile, mon, I come back in a few years or so and get my revenge! Rasta!
Damn it, I don't understand you.
"
―Nihilus and the Exile, before she PWNed him

The two lovers, along with the kewwlest Mandie ever, Mandalore the Preserver-Of-All-Things-F*^king-Awesome!!!, eventually boarded the Ravages of Time. Nihilus demanded that the Exile pay him for Marr's, ahem, services, but the Exile got mad at this, and PWNed Nihilus. After the battle, the Exile asked Marr to give her Nihilus' mask for a nice memento on her ship. After the former ho' took off his mask, he somehow disappeared in a red poof.

About four millennia later, a holocron of his resurfaced in the smelly Sith Mega-Super-Overlord Darth Krayt's hands; Nihilus attempted to advise Krayt, but Krayt couldn't understand his weirdo language. Nihilus at some point was Frozen in Plastic.[7] He also had a conversation with modern radio shock jock Howard Stern.[8]

Alternate EndingEdit

For you b*stards that chose the alternate ending, this is what really happened. Darth Nihilus' hunger for weed was growing far stronger than he could control, he was become a Darth Addict. Aboard his epic starship, he smoked the Joint of all Joints, his lightsaber...! He inhaled everything sending him insane, and eventually, killing him.
230px-Nihilus Falls

Nihilus dies with the Joint of all Joints still beside him

250px-Nihilus saber

Close up of the Joint of all Joints, wrapped perfectly.

After his death, some stupid exile Jedi came and picked up the Joint of all Joints and put it on display in a museum on Korriban called Walmart.

Many thousands of years later, a crazy arse sith lord, Darth Kryat, found his Holocron, and tried figuring out the ways of the Joint, and discover the missing Joint of all Joints, in the Walmart museum, lost in Korriban's big big big deserts

Personality and traitsEdit

Nihilus was a weird weirdo, which was not unusual for their species. Unlike his species, he had a preference for marijuana. He was a Rastafarian, so he felt it was his duty to smoke as much weed as he could. He hurt so bad for it, he was driven to have relations with a Elder weirdo's wife to get some! Anyway, he was willing to do anything for dope, even get smart-mouthed by Mission Vao, whom Revan would refer to someday as a snot-nosed punk and an urchin. When the Exile ordered her pawn Bao-Dur to activate the devastating PWNage machine, he became human, though he still retained his weirdo dread-locked hair. He hated The Hag, but since she offered to teach him how to get high by PWNing with the Force, he had no choice. NO CHOICE!!! He still managed to find the occasional puff, provided by his Zombie BFF. After he and Zombie nearly PWNed The Hag, they went their separate ways, since he needed more dope, and Zombie aspired to be like Darth Maul.

150px-Nihilus Dreads

Nihilus' Dreadlocks, he was insecure about smoking weed around other people, so is looking away.

He was not opposed to prostitution, when he saved Visas Marr, he lent her out to his zombie buddy when he visited Nihilus, for old time's sake. He got mad when the Exile wouldn't pay him for Marr's services. Nihilus was also a pig, leaving ashes and his funky robes around, which he didn't need to wear. He also kept spare masks around, he got his original mask from a drug dealer's skull. That dealer gave him some bad dope. He built a holocron that advised people who could understand his weirdo language some cool ways to get high off the Force, and how to properly smoke a joint. However, no one could understand his language, except for He-who-must-be-obeyed[9] and Revan.[10]

Powers and abilitiesEdit

«Power must be used responsibly, Lord Krayt. Not for the Sith, not for anything else… but for MARIJUANA!!!»
―Nihilus' holocron, to Darth Krayt

Darth Nihius used a ultra-kewwl lightsaber, which had a red crystal. The saber was not as kewwl as Revan's however. He fought kinda like Revan's whiny apprentice, the great cry-baby Malak. He used a weird Force power that looked like a orange string which came from his hand and connected to a being, draining their life and making them look all gray. He also used Force choke, which he used primarily to put Marr back in her place. He also used Force lightning, like The Hag's equally-smelly hubbo Palpatine, although he wasn't as happy with it as Palps was. He could also Destroy your planet.

Notes and referencesEdit

  1. Visas Marr seemed to think so…
  2. No, not glasses
  3. Check the f**king figure for the dreads…
  4. As ashamed of it as he is…
  5. Check the damn figure
  6. John Jackson Miller said so!!!
  7. Like I said, check the f**king figure!!!
  8. Check Wookieepedia!!!
  9. He's God, for God's sakes
  10. He ripped weirdo language from the Weirdo's skulls!!!


See alsoEdit


RicOlieRight
This article is called Darth Nihilus. Darth Nihilus has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Nihilus can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
WookieepediaLogoBouncing
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Darth Nihilus.
SWFanonFlag
Had too much humor? Who are you kidding? You can never get enough of it! Go check out the Star Wars Fanon Wiki's other article on Darth Nihilus where you will find the real definition of Star Wars humor.

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