Darth Sauron

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Darth Sauron
Biographical information



Before the Creation of the World


NEVER. Trapped in Hyperspace, if you must know

Physical description



Male. Unlimited male!!!


Eight foot high

Hair color


Eye color




Chronological and political information




Known masters

Darth Morgoth

Known apprentices

Ole Witchy Fella

The Lord of the Rings 1

Contrary to popular belief, this is not what Darth Sauron looks like. He looks more like King Xerxes from 300.


Darth Sauron was created.

He was created at the Dawn of Creation, along with his brothers Palpatine and Darth Voldemort. His horrified father, Kyle Katarn, was horrified at the fact that all three of His sons had genetic birth defects, man they stank Heaven up to His throne. So, to purify the place, He got His kids - All twenty million of them - to go about squirting air freshner about the halls of Heaven. Nonetheless, Darth Sauron was left out for this operation, and the task of invading the angelic host fell to his boss Darth Melkor, who was displeased with the wimpy air freshners all the angels had and bought in a new one, calling them all wimps. Some angels loved the new air freshners, others hated it, and they all began a pillow fight. Eventually Darth Sauron called order to order, but it would be awhile before the gangbang grew to accept Darth Sauron as the King of All Cool.

Early life and rebelEdit

Darth Sauron was created.

He went to Earth when his soon-to-be-master Darth Melkor renamed himself Darth Megatron and went after the Cube which had fallen to Earth. Darth Sauron had his own idea, to create Rings, to dominate the minds of Elves and Men, the true races of the Earth... but this wasn't gonna happen for ten thousand years. Darth Sauron roamed the Earth eating sweet shops out of house and home. Eventually he grew too fat and needed a job to shed some weight. He came to his soon-to-be-master, Darth Melkor, now renamed Darth Megatron, and asked for employment. Melkor asked what for, and Darth Sauron said "Anything, so long as I'm not eating off my sorry ass." Darth Melkor had naught to do 'xcept some GPSs installed, so he could track his underlings. Darth Megatron hired Darth Sauron to install GPSs, and then he was so pleased with the way they were installed, Darth Megatron hired Darth Sauron throughout. Darth Sauron became a King in Kid Arthur's court.

War with the WimparEdit

The rest of the angels saw this happening, and they didn't like it, as they had formed the Jedi and thought they were too cool for school. Styling themselves the Jedi, Or, Too Cool for School, the Jedi, or, Too Cool for School attacked Darth Megatron's hideout, Cybertron, and forced Darth Megatron out of hiding, placing him under indefinite house arrest until he saw fit to repent. Unfortunately, Darth Sauron had left on some business down south, and him the Jedi did not find.

When Darth Megatron fooled the Wimpar, aka the Jedi, aka the other angels, that being bad was bad, and convinced them to create a massive schism in his place and ran off out of their gangbang yelling "Ner-ner-ne-na-na!", Darth Sauron crept cautiously from hiding and rejoined his master back in their fortress. It transpired that the whole fortress, which was an entire town, would be literally moved six miles down the road to the east this time, somewhere in the east for some reason. Therefore, this whole operation was classed as "Operation: Skirmish at Malfoy Manor." Darth Sauron was once again employed with the task of installing GPSs and spy system satellites about the place for the control freak Melkor to spy on every underling he owned, and Darth Sauron captured a Tower with glee. However, he was defeated by a girl. Yes, a girl. Not just a girl, but an Elf. A FUCKING ELF! Darth Sauron was too embarrased to show his fugly face for much of the remainder of the War, and so was not in on the action when when his master was beseiged by angels and chucked into prison for life.

Rise of the Rings EraEdit

Darth Sauron had this bright idea for dominating the Jedi by sending Rings to hapless Jedi chicks, convincing them to marry him... Then dumping them at the last minute! Heh heh heh heh! Darth Sauron was therefore rubbing his hands with glee at this outrageously brilliant plan when a messenger from the Wimpar, aka the Jedi, aka the other angels, came by and told him could he please stop. Darth Sauron ate the messenger and proceeded to build a Tower. He built the Tower. He then waited until it was all standing, then built the foundations. Then once the Tower was complete, he made the final Ring: One Ring to Fuck Them All.

One by one, the lands of Middle-Earth fell to the powah of the Ring... But there were some who resisted. A Last Alliance of Elves and Men marched against the armies of Darth Sauron, and, on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought... for the freedom of Middle-Earth.

Dao da daon... da daon.

ELROND: Draw back! All men in positions Tirith! Ha!

GALADRIEL: ...Victory was near.... But the powah of the Ring... could not be undone.


Nah, that's Darth Jackson's version, and he sucks. If you want the proper, authentic version of the life of Darth Sauron, then read the book. Or this. Darth Sauron fought three Jedi all on his own, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie, and he bought them all to the brink of death but then having killed one was killed by the other just as he killed him. After death, the son of one of them picked up the Ring from his hand and thought... Heh heh heh I'll build an empire.

Oh, and I also forgot the part where Darth Sauron went to Atlantis and then fucked the whole place up by turning it into shit and making the humans who lived there livid against the angels by telling the humans that the angels were superior. Darth Sauron convinced the humans to make war against the angels by sailing their ships off to the angelic homeland but then a series of tsunamis came sent by the angels and drowned Atlantis and killed all the humans but three. Oh and Darth Sauron's ghost came out wearing the One Ring. HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK HE'S IN LORD OF THE RINGS, DUMBASS?

Third PageEdit

Darth Sauron's ghost went back to his Tower and kept constant touch with his minions through Facebook. He told his brothers he was too busy looking for a Ring and he couldn't meet up with them. So Darth Sauron fucked some shit. He turned nine men into ghosts and sent them to England looking for a hobbit. He then had them chase the hobbit to Jersey, English Channel. At Jersey, the hobbit and his friends were recovered. Then the hobbits went with a human, an elf, a dwarf, another human and a wizard... actually an angel in disguise... to DARTH SAURON'S TOWER. Yep. They were taking the Ring back home, or so it seemed to Darth Sauron, who learned of their mission through Facebook. He then had his spies try to catch them or eat them, but it all went horribly wrong, and the Ring fell through the toilet on Mount Doom, burning it down and Darth Sauron was arrested by the angels and, like his master Darth Melkor many years ago, thrown down a burning tube of a Death Star and put under permanent house arrest.

This article is called Darth Sauron. Darth Sauron has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Sauron can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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