Darth Schmidt

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"Zey might be teiking ze Hobbits to Isangahd... but zis time, zey vill not skeip mein fugy"


Darth Schmidt, also known as Hugo Weaving, The Red Skull, Agent Smith, Darth Smith, Agent Schmidt, [Darth] Elrond, Megatron and other unconcerning aliases that the man went by, was a midly-fearsome Sith Lord during the Rise of Marvel Superhoboes Era. And yes, it was HIM who named it that way.


Schmidt, being as he is - the usual villain for every blockbuster - generally lacks any relevant backstory, other than being birthed out of the ass of a camel. He was born repeatedly, at age unknown. His various selves showed up in dimensions as distant as the Middle Earth, WWII-Europe and a computer.

He was born with the ambition natural to those who speek leik zis, and zus arr feited to conquah ze vold in a mattah off hawas. At age 14, he built his first lightsaber off scrap metal from a bike workshop and a bottle of antimatter he stole from the studios of Angels vs and Demons.

Some time afterwards, he adquired a fame for being a psychopathic drugaddict pyromaniac; one day, he was perfecting his design of an unsuspectingly corrosive plate of baked beans, when the thing jumped at his face and, well, hence his skin color.


"Ividently, yoo didn't fight to ze last man." Darth Schmidt at the Battle of Hoth. Damaged AT-AT walker behind him.

A Sith LordEdit

At age 14 years three months, he rebelled against his master - some Darth Matrix - and founded his own Sith Empire; he created Sith spaceships, Sith troopers, Sith bunkers and Sith peanut butter - but that was not enough for him. Nein, seine Ambitionen lay higher.

Soooo he decided to invade Hoth, where he knew the Cube of Cybertron was being kept by a bearded man inside a stone temple. With such amptly detailed information, he threw a couple nooks on the snowbound desert and infiltrated the Temple.


"Veek meinds arr baffled by mein pawah, doktah Jones"

There he adquired some kind of cube thingy, and used it to power his Supah Lazor weapons of untold power. However, he was later defeated by anasthmatic kid.

He later came to recruit Tom Cruise as an apprentice. As every respectable Sith does, Cruise forced himself to lose some body part - namely, an eye, right hand and three fingers - but forgot to have them replaced with cybernetics. Which wouldn't have looked as cool, anyway.

One of Cruise's first tasks was to kill Oprah, which he accomplished by savagely attacking her on a TV show.

Tom cruise valkyrie

What is thy bidding... mein Fürher?

This article is called Darth Schmidt. Darth Schmidt has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Darth Schmidt can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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