c. 41 BBY
A whole damn suit
|Chronological and political information|
- "Now where the fuck is my "act evil" button?"
- ―Darth Vader
Dark Vater, born James Darth Vader Palpatine and nicknamed Lord Goth Emo II, was noted in the Star Wars universe for his totally kick ass helmet as well as his iron fist leading the big giant broom known as the Empire that swept through the galaxy cleaning up all the dirt and dust. Also, he was actually much cooler than his wimpy counter-part, Anakin Skywalker, this was mainly because he liked blowing up stuff, especially planets (plus he was voiced by James Earl Jones). Nobody liked Anakin, anyway. No, seriously, no one. Even Padmé left him for Obi-Wan Kenobi she was so desperate to get away from him. Just ask Olivia Kenobi if you don't believe me.
Anyway, Darth Vader was born on Tatooine to (surprise, surprise!) Diane Vader and (WTF???) everyone's favorite Supreme Chancellor/Emperor: Palpatine! Yes, that is why they both hated each other. But there were good times, like the time when Palpatine threw Vader against the wall when he...you know, maybe that is not such a good example.
Vader spent his early years with his mama Diane on a Death Star. At 14, Vader got jealous of Darth Malak's jaw thingy, so he dumped Hot oatmeal all over his body, which got himself a whole life-sustaining suit. Amazingly, he would later regret this, as it forced him to leave his mom and become his dad Palpatine's chief homie, which we are sure, must have been pure agony. As an apprentice, he had an encounter with A'Sharad Hett, Vader used a Yo Mama insult that forced young Hett to go into hiding, change his name, and turn to the Dark Side, which just goes to show you that there are worse things than having your planet destroyed and being Palpatine's apprentice.
Vader chopped Obi-Wan Kenobi in half while Kenobi searched the box on Vader's chest, trying to find "Reset."
Believe it or not, Vader and Anakin are not the same person! The mass media just made the connection because Vader wears leather and Anakin...well, funny you should mention him...
The Early YearsEdit
- Diane Vader: "Darth! What kind of stupid name is that? You could have said James or Timothy...but no, you had to go with Darth! What the hell were you thinking!"
- Palpatine: "Quit nagging me, you old lady, and go get me a beer."
- — Darth Vader's parents upon his birth
Darth Vader was born James Darth Vader Palpatine to parents Diane and Palpatine on the planet Tatooine. They had to move there because someone (meaning Palpatine, Diane was not stupid enough to do something like this) forgot to pay off their student loans for college. That college being Darthvard, the most expensive college in the whole damn galaxy, Palpatine would have to pay 20,000 credits or terrible things would happen to him. Now we know why Palpatine changed his name so many times.
So the family was on the run. Three years on Tatooine Diane gave birth to Darth Vader. Well, she gave birth to James Vader (it's on the birth certificate), but Palpatine liked Darth because it was the nickname of the bass string guitar player of his favorite band. This really ticked Diane off, so she underwent some aggressive negotiations with her husband until he agreed to name him James. Thus James Darth Vader Palpatine was born.
- "Did anyone ever tell you you're a jerk?"
- ―Diane Vader, to Palpatine when she saw him getting it on with his apprentice Darth Maul
But it was all to good to last. Diane found out that Palpatine was two-timing her with that horny Iridonian whack job with ADD named Darth Maul. After torturing her husband for most of the day, Diane got bored and kindly divorced him. Then, taking the Death Star and young Darth, she flew off, putting as much distance between her and Palpatine as possible. Henceforth, James Darth Vader Palpatine officially became James Darth Vader after the separation. Diane called him Darth though, not because she wanted to honor her husband, but that bass string player was totally awesome!
- Darth Vader: "What does folding laundry have to do with being a Sith?"
- Diane Vader: "Folding laundry builds character!"
- — Darth Vader and his loving mother, Diane Vader
- Darth Vader: "I can't do it mom! I just can't do it!"
- Diane Vader: "Honey, you can do anything as long as you're good enough, Sith enough, and Holy Sith! Any loser can tie their shoe!"
- — Diane, giving her son a pep talk on shoe tying
Diane then proceeded to raise her son as the man known to the world. Of course, this was extremely difficult since James Darth Vader was a lazy, whiny douchebag. A lot of the time he would sit in his room and whine, or write letters to his hero, Darth Emo (you should have seen all the posters Vader had of that guy in his room!). He almost never took out the garbage and never folded his long sleeved shirts with the front-back fold the way his mother told him to. Darth Vader is also responsible for nearly destroying Diane's Death Star when he attempted to make chocolate soufflé. On this occasion, Diane wondered whether Shmi Skywalker had it easy after all.
But Vader also had some good points to him. He was a good Sith, although not nearly as good as his mama. He got so good at lightsaber combat that even Palpatine shuddered when his name was mentioned (or maybe he was just looking in the mirror at the time). Of course, he never, not even once beat his mother in all the duels they had. Vader never told anyone this because, you know, most Dark Lords of the Sith do not get beaten by their mothers at lightsaber combat. I am sorry
Palpatine, but they do not....
When James Darth Vader was good (very rarely), Diane took him on planet destroying sprees, where they would destroy planets, inhabited or not. She always smacked his hand away when he tried to push the shiny red button that doomed millions of people. Because of this, Vader developed a fetish for destroying planets that would last throughout his entire life. And when he was an adult he actually got to press the button!!!
The "Oatmeal Incident"Edit
- Diane: "So let me get this straight: You were jealous of Darth Malak's metal jaw so you dumped hot oatmeal all over yourself to get a life-sustaining suit?"
- Vader: "It looked cool in the magazine!"
- — The "Oatmeal Incident"
When Vader was 14, his mother sent him to prepare oatmeal on the stove. Obviously, she fireproofed the whole Death Star after he burned the soufflé, so there really was not anything to worry about. Or was there?
Everything went well until Vader, bless his little helmet, read a magazine article about how this loser Sith Darth Malak now has a metal jaw that made him almost cool. This made Vader so jealous that he immediately grabbed the pot of oatmeal and dumped it all over himself, thinking about how cool it would be to get this suit. Of course, much of the coolness factor vanished when he started screaming in pain, but he was rescued eventually.
- Vader: "But I don't want to go, mom!"
- Diane: "Sweetie, it's okay, you're going to be all right. You're father's a nice man."
- Vader: "Did I just hear what I thought I heard?"
- Diane: "Yeah, what the hell was I thinking?"
- ―Darth Vader and his mother, at Palpatine's waiting room on Coruscant
There was a slight problem: Diane did not have enough money to buy a life-sustaining suit, which was very expensive, she knew. On the other hand, her ex, Palpatine, was loaded after becoming Emperor of the galaxy, so she phoned him up and asked him what he could do.
Meanwhile, at Palpatine's place the dishes were unwashed, there were roaches everywhere, and his underwear was all over the apartment. Not to mention that awful smell that...umm, let us not get into that. Anyway, the place needed some serious cleanage, but Palpy was too lazy to do it. But he could force his son to do so. So he agreed to pay for the suit and yadda, yadda, yadda, Palpatine got a new apprentice: his son, Darth Vader.
- Palpatine: "Do you have anything that inhibits your Force powers?"
- Vader: "Uhh...well, I do have CDO."
- Palpatine: "CDO?"
- Vader: "Yeah, CDO. It's like OCD, but with the letters arranged in alphabetical order, the way they're supposed to be."
- ―Palpatine and his apprentice, during an interview
Diane dragged her son to Palpatine's office on Coruscant, where Vader obviously was accepted as an apprentice, because no one in there right mind would clean Palpatine's apartment, especially his toilet (the horror!). To keep Vader happy, he gave him his own Death Star and crew to destroy planets with, but that was really just show.
About six months later, the Rebel scum, a bunch of pubescent geeks with anger management issues, started posting flyers on trees against the Galactic Empire. Palpatine asked them nicely to stop, he even gave them some of his best stormtroopers for target practice, but they still held firm. Palpatine, very much annoyed at this time, sent Vader out to destroy the Rebel Alliance and melt their outdated X-wing fighters into a Death Star shopping mall. Obeying his master's orders, Vader devised many strategies to bring down the Rebel scum.
Trying to find the rebelsEdit
- "Lord Vader! Are you here to save me? Wait.... why do you look like a Rebel?"
- ―A stupid Stormtrooper
Searching the galaxy in an attempt to find and kill all rebels, Vader eventually came up with his famous "disguise yourself as a Rebel" method. You have probably already guessed what that means, but I am going to explain it anyway.
One day Darth Vader disguised himself as a Rebel named darth vader and tried to find their base, but he failed. He was able to convince a few Rebels he was one of them but a Stormtrooper, who was captured by the Rebels, recognized his boss and asked him if he was there to save him. When the Rebels realized that darth vader was actually Darth Vader they fled. Vader then killed the stormtrooper.
Subsequent to this he went on a murderous rampage through multiple galaxies until he finally returned to Coruscant for some tea with Palpatine. There he unexpectedly met Jax Pavan 117 and lost so miserably the battle came to be known as the Very Forgettable Battle that No One Wants to Hear About. He also had troubles walking and sitting properly for several months afterwards.
Vader died to save Lukey, the whiny son of his whiny counterpart, from his own daddy, alias Darth Sidious the Hideous. You see, Darth Vader was not in the room at the time. He was actually taking a shower (how, I do not know), only to discover that Palpatine used up all the hot water. Jerk! After taking a very cold shower, Vader got upset and walked into the room to complain to Darth Sidious.
To his surprise, Darth S. was lightning Luke and was saying cruel "Yo Mama" jokes at him, not aware of his twin brother Darth Voldemort right behind him. This made Luke cry. Vader really had not had much contact with Luke, but on one unforgettable occasion the king of the pubescent geeks gave him an Arby's coupon for a free meal. Of course, he shared it with a friend before they got back to the Death Star and...we really do not have to go into this. But Vader was able to feel some sympathy for Luke. Plus he had a mother who was H-O-T with a capital 'H'. Vader could still remember the time when the two...again, we really do not have to go into this. So Vader started getting angry because the Yo Mama jokes were just unfair! Could not Palpatine think of the time when he and Padmé went to the Nabooboo Politician's Conventions together and they...gee, that girl gets around! Finally, he could not take it anymore. After a particularly bitchy line from Darth S., Vader took a huge electromagnet and said:
- "You're dissing my girlfriend, well, say 'Hello', to my little electromagnet friend."
Unfortunately, he forgot he was mostly made of metal and while Darth Sidious and his bro Voldemort were getting shocked by their own lightning, Vader was getting sucked into the magnet. Luke then turned off the magnet to see Darth Vader a mere cube of metal with a head on top. This made Luke cry.
Revival and subsequent marriageEdit
Upon Vader's death, many fanboys got angry that their favorite badass was gone forever. They therefore prayed to Kyle Katarn to revive Darth Vader. Katarn refused to do it unless exactly one million fans prayed to him (since Darths are bad and all...), but after the one millionth fan, Lord Darth Evil Colossal Nightmare Devastator Obliterator Rex, called out, Katarn decided to repair Vader's injuries and bring the Sith Lord back to life. Shortly afterwards, SuperShadow, unaware of Vader's revival, prayed as well. Upon hearing SuperShadow, Katarn almost killed Vader once again until the Dark Lord promptly disposed of SS. Yay!
Vader was later forced forced by Japanese Bamco executives to appear in their video gayme Soulcalibur IV: Super Ultra Battle Duel Fight Legend of Soul Calibur Ultra Final Battle Duel Fight!!, Vader was very, very pissed and almost killed the entire evil Bamco Corporation until he found a gorgeous, busty blonde who was even hotter than Padmé! He eventually married the girl, Sophitia, and had kids with her. However, the media will tell you that Vader/Anakin actually became gay ever since Padmé died, and Sophitia married some blacksmith loser named Rothion that nobody cares about.
- LIFE DURING THE Expentantiousespelliandousiscandianulous Era
Like anyone, life was hard during the Expentantiousespelliandousiscandianulous Era. This Era was known for the birth of Darth Maul Jr. VI. Darth Sexbag was also ruling with an iron fist during this Era. Vader had hit rock bottom and was looking for a job. He ended up working at Pizza the Hutt's for over 5 years. He started a business called Wheat Thins in the year 1346 GAY. This brought him off of his feet and ended up winning him over 4,000,000 Chuck-E-Cheese Tokens.
Personality and traitsEdit
- "Vader really isn't the 'questing' type. If something or someone doesn't give him what he wants lickity-split, something or someone is gonna be in a world of hurt."
- ―Some loser[src]
Vader had a penchant for blowing up planets and enjoyed long walks in the parks of Imperialized planets. He was attracted to shiny objects and liked to Force fondle women's rears from an observable distance while pining over that one chick that couldn't even handle a wimpy version of the Force Choke. Vader also frequently took pleasure from interrupting HoloNet conference calls and harassing those in attendance.
Behind the scenesEdit
Darth Vader was voiced by none other than James. Earl. Frakking. Jones (also known as the announcer for Yipee! News). The actor in the suit was one of those bodybuilder types who always gets the non-speaking roles. For lesser roles, such as the aforementioned badly-dubbed Japanese fighting game with an overly long Engrish name, Darth's own brother Chad Vader supplies his voice. Which is kind of a paradox, I suppose, since Chad is in the same universe and all... best not to think about it.
General consensus holds that Vader is the most badass motherfucker in the history of the universe, even after his NOOOOOOOOO! incident and the other damage done to his reputation by Anakin Skywalker and the mainstream media.
Wookiepedia doesn't want Vader to have his own page anymore. The Dark Lord has yet to PWN the Wookiepedians responsible for this, but for now, he just uses Darthipedia instead because it's more evil and suits him better.