Elly Kedward

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Elly, aka the Blair Witch, was a sad sob from the fictional town of Burkittsville (NOT Burkittsville, Indiana) who was banished from the town because she had prevented a few kids from being turned into Sith. What gives? Infuriated, she cursed the whole town with her trusty toothbrush, but it failed her one day and gave her dental poisoning. Her gums gone, she turned to Wine Gums. She then used up all her magic in hunting three ghostbusters and then got pissed.

Afterwards, she was left to sit in that bar, drinking herself to death and wondering what the fuck happened.


Elly was born sometime in the 13th Century to a Leprechaun ho and his pimp. Upon seeing what had happened, she ate the pimp, then rapped the Leprechaun. Both of them became famous in Ireland and would often be seen in drinking dens, brightening the mood amongst all the depressed Irish. Sadly, Elly's fame was short-lived, as the Irish government got all uptight and stiff and banished those whose names were in the tardy book over to America. Naturally, Elly jumped at the opportunity. In fact, she jumped on a Jedi craft and flew right back to Ireland. They sent her back again. The Americans sent her back. You can't get more unwanted than that. But finally, both sides came to a conclusion, that she could stay in America every ten months, then once a week every tenth month she would have to come back to Ireland to endure a weekly clean-out.

Kill the witchEdit

Elly noticed some suspicious Sith activity in Sand People who were moving around her American neighbourhood and converting her American friends into Cassusianity. So she was like "Fuck you guys, I'm out of here!" This happened just as the Sith were converting seven children into stiff, uptight, religious fanatics. Elly went and PWNed all the converters and the kids thanked her by saying stuff like "The bitch raped me" and "Daddy, what's rape?" Elly was arrested and sent into the woods without the benefit of a trial. Needless to say, her exile was a bit of a trial. She was tied to a tree and left to die of exposure.

Unbeknown to all the townees, she was a Jedi, so she used a mind trick to bring herself into a sleeping draught, much like some guy named Jesus did when on the same non-existent planet she was on. Eventually Elly awoke a year later and changed her goals and became Sith. She then abducted all the town's kids and shipped them to Naboo, selling them to Palpatine. Thus she begun her life as a Sith wannabe.

Shit happensEdit

Elly had to remain on the non-existent planet, though. And so she was continually hunting down kids, within every sixty years, as some pompous professors and art historians noticed. She sold the kids to the Sith and made a fortune. She could've followed her father and gone into cool stuff herself, but she was waaaay out of her mind on shrooms by this time and therefore she didn't really care.

So after a couple of incidents down at a Creek, Darth Maul came along and viciously butchered two hunting parties, shipping them to his Sith craft and flying off again. The townsfolk came to the conclusion that it was her who had done this.


Sometime in the 1940s, she convinced a hermit to be her ho and once again Darth Maul abducted loads of kids. Unfortunately for Elly, she was left without a friend in the world... until... some college kids, Heather Dontgiveadamn, Joshua Lovingthisshit, and Michael C. Williams came into her forest area looking for her so they could get some of her cash. She was famous for her fortune even in society, y'see. So the students met her and saw she was there but Mike showed his ass to her and Josh raped her once drunk and got her impregnated. With a deer. So she was pissed, aborted the foetus, and then ran off after the students but, thanks to her non-existent moral compass, she blundered around in circles every night at three in the morning, because she likes to get her work done nice and early when she's still in bed.

This article is called Elly Kedward. Elly Kedward has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Elly Kedward can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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