|Star Wars Episode MMVII: In Which Some Shit Happens|
Alternate universe -- TIMELINES DO NOT APPLY
One of them ...
Star Wars Episode MMVI: After Which The Writers Swore They Would Not Write Another
Star Wars Episode MMVII: In Which Some Shit Happens was the two-thousand seventh installation in the Star Wars saga, released just three months after Episode MMVI, which, unlike the other films in the series, took the form of a documentary showing the
idiot little pussies writers who help make Star Wars possible at work, and made it quite clear that they refused to make another film in a series that had become far to cliche and repetitive.
For this reason, IWSSH, as it became known among the fan base, was produced under strange circumstances. Since everyone else had quit, George Lucas, was forced to hire a moron who had been claiming to work for him for years to write the film. This choice of writer made the film highly unpopular, sparking a similar desire among all who saw it to "gouge out their eyes, throw a chair at the screen, convert to Christianity, and shoot their grandmothers".
Despite popular belief, however, the writer did not create the idea himself, but based the film roughly around That book I can't remember the name of or find, but it's definitely in there so if you remove the info again I will have you banned by Karen Traviss.
Opening crawl Edit
Plot Synopsis Edit
The film begins with Olivia Kenobi and her half-brother <insert name here> wondering through the sandy wasteland of Tatooine. Olivia, a sexualy promiscuous young woman, asks her brother why they have come to the planet, and after he suggestively says "You know why, you naughty girl!", she rips off her clothes, ready to have a go at riding her own brother's rocket, but he then foolishly explains that they had come to get some Jawa Juice at the local tavern. Olivia, not bothering to redress herself, agrees to this and decides to go to the tavern.
After a brief journey, Olivia and <insert name here> find their way to the Mos Eisley Cantina, after being warned by a senile old man called Cheese-Crackers Hamcheese, going under the pseudonym of "Bob" that they will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy. They enter the tavern, only to find some drunk old man sitting at the bar. He turns around and sees Olivia, his daughter whom he had not seen in years, and immediately suggests that they "do the dirty." She immediately agrees, and they go back to his hut, where they make sweet, sweet relations.
Once they've had a few hours of nonstop love-making, Obi-Wan demands that, if Olivia wants more, she'll have to blow up the earth. The girl is hesitant at first, but after her father threatens that they will never make love again otherwise, she goes and finds her brother and demands that they go and destroy his planet ... or else. Darth You strongly refuses, saying that he will not be guilty for silencing a thousand voices as they cry out as one ... for now. Nah, I'm just messing with you. He didn't give a Mega-Space Rat's ass about the earth, and takes his sister to the planet in their ship to blow it up, which they do.
However, when the two return to Obi-Wan's home, they find Kenobi lying dead on the floor, next to his apparent murderer, Yoda, who is calmly sipping tea, and informs the two fondly that he had just finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Olivia immediately says that the little alien ought to bug off, because she was in a spoil-free zone, but Yoda ruthlessly informs her that Dumbledore died. This sparked a highly emotional response from <insert name here>, who falls to his knees screaming that this fact was impossible.
Yoda, changing the subject in a fully inappropriate way, then presses on that they are all doomed, because, after finishing the book, he brought Harry Potter himself to life, and that the boy wizard had gone bad. When the two siblings express doubt at that prospect, Jar Jar Binks comes in and informs them that he saw Potter murder Obi-Wan. At that very moment, Harry jumps out from his clever hiding spot of behind the curtains and kills Jar Jar, in one of the most popular and highest-rated scenes of the entire saga.
Luckily, Olivia has a spoiler of her own to dish out for the next Harry Potter book: "Harry get's killed by Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi!" She then makes this spoiler true by cutting off the head of Potter (played by Daniel Radcliffe). This causes Yoda, who idolized the wizard, to become infuriated and jump up, pulling out his lightsaber and challenging Olivia to a duel. Just as the two begin to fight, the film cuts to black.
Contributions to Canon Edit
Although IWSSH came out with a non-canon label, showing that George Lucas thought the film as a big mass of crap that should not be treated as part of his franchise but should still be bought blindly to make him richer, many fanboys and even some of their prostitutes thought the film was good enough to warrant a canon label, and started vandalizing Star Wars Wikis putting crap up. For this reason, IWSSH has become a cult classic, and it's many introductions to the Star Wars saga are widely acknowledged. Some of them are as follows:
- Obi-Wan Kenobi is hugely a drunk and pimp. This idea had already been evident in every film before IWSSH as well, but it was not until this one that it sunk through some peoples' skulls.
- That Jedi can bring people to life. This was also addressed in other films (What the hell did you think that Obi-Wan ghost scene in Return of the Jedi was about?), but again, ignorant people.
Behind the Scenes Edit
- Episode MMVII was the lowest-rated Star Wars film of all time, yet, conversely, it contains one of the most heavily favorited scenes: The one in which the boy wizard himself kills Jar Jar Binks. However, this scene also sparked a full-fledge fan war between lovers of the Star Wars and Harry Potter series, respectively. As one fanboy said, "I really love that Jar Jar get's his ass murdered. I've been waiting for that scene since he got introduced. Still, they didn't have to bring old Hairy Twatter into it. That ruined the movie for me. Still, I'll definately see it again, complaining about it with more animosity every time."
- Many viewers complained about the lack of actions sequences, as the only truly interesting scene in the entire flick is cut off by the credits. When it was pointed out to Lucas that the duel between Yoda and Olivia Kenobi would have definately spiced up a suckish movie, Lucas responded with, "Bring it up with Jesus, foo'!"
- Despite what was said in the credits, Princess Leia did not have a sex scene in the film, and, on top of that, Olivia, who gets laid once and is nude for most of the film, never shows any body parts, with the exception of a side boob, to the camera. To make up for this, Lucas released a companion DVD to the film called "Alderaanians Gone Wild", which had a very satisfying Leia gangbang sequence. Seriously, I came twice. Go buy this fucking DVD.
Warning: The above content contains spoilers, but you're out of danger ... for now.