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Gormaanda

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Gormaanda
Biographical information
Homeworld

Hoth

Born

Tatooine

Physical description
Species

Besalisk

Gender

(Fe)male

Height

3.0 Meters

Hair color

Black

Eye color

Brown

Cybernetics
  • Mechanical Dock Ock Arms
  • Dark Side Cookbook
Chronological and political information
Era(s)

Rise of the Slice

Affiliation
"Cooking can be fun! Fun, fun… Dear god, I've wasted my life."
―Gormaanda

Gormaanda was a Besalisk chef known for her extensive plastic surgery and her marvelous singing voice. On her homeworld of Ojom, Gormaanda was a legendary sex symbol, despite having borrowed her hair from Count Vlad Dracul of Hoth. Her eyes, meanwhile, were stolen from the grave of Count Chocula and his pet Basilisk War Droid.

Her life was typified by a constant desire to become better than Jemima Butterworth and Darth Baker at the arts of Sith cuisine, which she learned from the ancient Sith Holocron of Darth Baker. Despite her rivals numerous attempts to remove her, she became the most powerful Mary Sue Sith Lordess since Lightninny.

BiographyEdit

Yeastern RisingEdit

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"Why? WHY was I cursed with only two arms??" –Gormaanda before plastic surgery.

Like every Mary Sue before her, Gormaanda was the greatest totally awesome hottest bombad Sith Lordess ever to walk The galaxy. Strangely, no sources have recorded her existence, and no one has even heard of her, and no one has even noticed the fact that she has four arms, and no one has noticed that she could not exist if anything that I am saying is true. As such, facts about her life have been sketchy. This is an attempt at a semi-accurate re-telling of her story.


She was born (or rather spawned, like all Mary Sues) on Ojom, and then somehow was transported to Tatooine, which is the same planet That Bratty Chosen One and His Whiny Panda Spawn came from. Why? Because that's the way all Mary Sues are made, that's why! And who's telling this story? Huh? You or me? Oh wait, <insert name here> wants to do it? Fine, but then he gets to clean the bathrooms for me!

Ah, now, where were we? Well, as you can see from the image in the infobox, *cough* she looked nothing like a woman, but rather bore strange resemblance to Harvey Korman. This freaked out the locals, who banished him her into the Dune Sea where he she lived as a bantha herder for hire by the Sand People, who made sure she did her work by giving her Sand People torture if she failed.

Madness Sets inEdit

Gormaandacooking

The oddly striking Gormaanda after plastic surgery.

After being driven mad by Sand People torture, Gormaanda had enough. Brandishing the jawbone of a Hutt, Gormaanda killed all the Sand People. And not just the men; but women, and the children, the spores, all of them... She PWNned them without mercy.

In order to hide her identity (no on knows why), she went to A Certain Very Reputable Doctor. He was more than happy to oblige, giving her the look of beauty and grace she always dreamed of. It was the greatest moment of her life until she learned that she was 10 gajillion credits in debt for the operation *cough* costs. Enraged, she bashed the good doctor with her four arms until he looked more Jawa Juice than Human. The now-she (no longer any question of gender) Gormaanda fled the planet and prepared for her operations of doom.

Madness ReignsEdit

Moving to Endor, she decided to break into the cooking show world. Unfortunately for her, she left her Fried Tach Fritters on the stove too long, burning down half the forest. This understandably irked the Ewoks, who sent out a fearsome Madclaw! to force her from the premises. The other half of Endor was destroyed in the ensuing fight, and the unfortunate Madclaw was turned into a Mashed Madclaw Special by the dark arts of this fiendish four armed chef. Shocked, the Ewoks made Gormaanda into a deity and offered to do anything she wished. Utilizing her powers of bakery, she demanded sacrifice, and turned many Ewoks into Ewok Pot Pies which she sold at stores across the galaxy under the brand name Witch of Endor Food and Supplies, Inc.

Cookery IncarnateEdit

After the Baking of Endor, Gormaanda moved her operations to Sautenosis, an Outer Rim world known for it's frying temperatures. There, she discovered the tomb of Count Chocula, the ancient Sith Lord of lore who created Breakfast Cereals out of the Force itself. Using vile techniques, she took his eyeballs and used them for herself in a steamy soup. In nearby ruins she found his pet Chicken Basilisk War Droid, and reactivated it for her own use.

Riding her dreadful mighty clucking thing, she spread terror across the universe. Ten Millions of worlds were conquered and cooked in her ovens of doom. People fled in terror of her bakery, her power eclipsing that of Darth Baker in evilness. But, it was not to last. The innocent little girl in her began to rise up, and she suddenly realized that all of her work had been for nothing. Realizing that she had wasted her life, she hurled herself into her Gungan Pie Maker and ended her miserable life.

Powers and abilitiesEdit

Gormaanda wielded the dreaded power of Force Bake, the ability to turn her enemies into a cupcake. She also utilized the Ovens of Doom, a fiery place with which she prepared her works. Her most fearsome tool was her Chicken Basilisk War Droid, Clucky, who single handedly made an army of fifteen million Gunguns into a pastry roll.

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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Gormaanda.

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