Great Jawa Revolt

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A pair of Jawa's getting ready to revolt.

"Ashuna n'lappa neng ooka! Leia Organa shanay Jabba opawi ko pop'nloo toineepa! Kuh shanay wass!"
―random Jawa partisan, shouting obscenities

The Great Jawa Revolt was a brief, fierce uprising in 17 ABY on the planet Tatooine, which was launched by the native Jawas. They lost.


"Kuh ugama m'nuta! Ashuna ha'mfoo m'yatak neng ooka, kuh da bioto Tooska!"
―another random Jawa partisan, shouting obscenities

Based foremost in the former smuggling capital of Mos Eisley, its origins were the perceived economic grievances of the Ha'ap clan. At first, peaceful demonstrations outside government buildings were the rule, but when New Republic officials made the mistake of deploying Sand People gendarmes supplied by an allied tribe, ethnic rivalry became involved. The revolt itself was ignited by the events of what became known as "Bloody Twin Sunday", when a unit of gendarmes fired on protesters, killing ninety-seven Jawa children, and made Jawa juice from the remains. Outraged, the Ha'ap clan invoked Rule 19 of the Articles of Mutual Defense and Indiscriminate Slaughter (version 2.0), which required all Jawa clans to take up arms and indiscriminately slaughter any race that has attacked them, except krayt dragons (this was taken out due to more Jawas dying from just one krayt dragon attack, which looked eerily like a game of Pikmin, than were slaughtered in the first place, thus the revision).

At first the clan chiefs and their respective tribes were reluctant to become involved, unwilling to endanger the commercial negotiations with the New Republic. However, such was the collective anger among individual Jawas that after four standard weeks of debate and one of yoga, consensus was reached: Rule 19 would be upheld, they would fight. To this end, they elected a junior tribal chief (as cannon fodder), Ja'unq, to lead their combined militias. As a rabid anti-Master Juicer and impassioned orator, he had made a name for himself in Jawa political circles. Moreover, he agreed to be paid upon victory, which, frankly, no one except himself thought would happen.

Ja'unq began a rapid mobilization of Jawa forces. He had the offworld assets of five major tribes converted to cash, which he used to buy surplus war goods from former Imperial companies such as Aratech Corporation, BlasTech, and Kuat Drive Yards. Messages were sent to Jawa colonies on Ryloth and Sullust calling for volunteers, and hundreds answered. Within two weeks, Ja'unq had gathered a force of 300 18,000, small on the galactic scale but quite enough for him to threaten Tatooine.

The Jawas marched on Mos Eisley and Mos Espa. Astonished at the militarization of a race notorious for cowardice, the governor of Tatooine, Crix Madine, who had been given the job through nepotism, called for help. It came in the form of Mon Calamari cruiser Mon Fungoid. From its position in orbit, the cruiser threatened orbital bombardment of the Jawa column, a petty, imitation version of an ancient Sith technique. However, Ja'unq skillfully thwarted this by having fifty-seven sandcrawlers use their suction tubes to drag Mon Fungoid out of orbit and to the planet's surface, upon which the Jawas stripped it and its crew of all valuables then sold them as junk back to the New Republic.

With the cruiser's turbolasers and hull plating mounted upon the sandcrawlers, Ja'unq's newly armored column again set forward. Along the way it skirmished with hostile Sand People, sold used droids at cut-rate prices, and used their sandcrawlers to run over Human settlements which refused to make purchases. Upon arriving at Mos Eisley and Mos Espa, it took both towns in a bloodbath later known as the Battle of Yet Another Important Event on Tatooine.

However, at this apogee of Jawa triumph, a sandstorm began, causing Ja'unq and his Jawas to lose their sense of direction and become lost. Ja'unq and his troops were never heard from again... For now...

Roll credits, please...

Political AspectsEdit

The revolt was unusual in that it sought to draw attention, in its spare time, to how the automated manufacturing techniques used by major galactic corporations deprived sentients of employment, thus condemning trillions to subsistence-level poverty. Admittedly, most of the time, the revolt merely sought wanton destruction and abundant chances for looting; however, several anti-corporation speeches were made.

The most infamous such speech was made by the Jawa, Ja'unq, and in it, set forth his race's grievances. Unfortunately, it was given in Jawaese, which non-Jawas could not understand. Only the Jawas know, and they never told.

The SpeechEdit

Oto ekee nufuzu hunya upezza kenza! Kwat chikua m'yawa gad'wa Jawa pop'nloo! Ekee nyeta keena mibbu! Da biota kavi pop'nloo! Kwat ekee nyeta pukay! Ekee shooto! Hunya wass tando kwat! Takiik ekee opazum jubinloo! Chikua gogawa kwat! Ekee keena dooka peekay pop'nloo gad'wa! Kiik Tatooin, takiik Galaksi!


Ekee, koo shanay lum timinee Tatooin, nyeta go cona, ekee bazzok ugama. M'tima koosa ha speeda, umpee nyeto kiminay po luza. Nyeta ysas. Kuh parufah vopuba meek jawa takiik. W'ho add m'tuske Jawa fabuza, ekee w'ho add neng ooka opakwa. Opawi kwat kenza, ookwass kreebaza gogowa tiiba m'tima kuh shanay. Bom'loo?

[Applause + Drinking]

Chikua Tooska Kobana nyeta mambay, wee-jawa m'yatak. M'gwaa kuh parufah pibboz peope da biota...

[Applause + Drinking + Drunken, bloody riot in which hundreds of innocent New Republic citizens perished]

This article is called Great Jawa Revolt. Great Jawa Revolt has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Great Jawa Revolt can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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