- "You can kill me now, Vader... but you still lose. I have done something you have never done, something you will never do. I have had sex with Guri. Lots and lots of sex with Guri. I have seen the Promised Land, and it is between Guri's thighs."
- ―Xizor's last words
Guri was the sexiest and deadliest Human Replica Droid ever created. She made many men (and some women, too) drool. She was owned by a Falleen named Xizor, who paid nine million credits for her (before taxes). After Luke Skywalker busted up Black Sun and Darth Vader utterly PWNed him, Guri escaped in a para-glider and had her traumatic memory erased. Then she lived for thousands of years and had lots of incredible sex with lots of people, and eventually she earned a soul, and then she died and went to heaven and met God and had lots of incredible sex with lots of angels and really cool dead people, and then she went and killed Satan and stopped all evil in the universe and made everything good and cool and sexy forever and ever!!! Sorry, sorry... sometimes I just get carried away thinking about Guri.
(See? Biography! She wasn't just a droid. She was alive! Alive and with really great boobs!)
Guri's creation began with a Imperial project called Project Decoy, not to be confused with Project Runway. Headed by Simon L. and Massad Trumbo, Project Decoy's aim was to create replica droids of specific individuals so as to infiltrate enemies of the Empire and destroy them from within. One of Project Decoy's early successes was Killer RoboLeia 2000.
Prince Xizor of the Black Sun saw the potential of the project, but also understood the short-sightedness of the designers. Yes, Project Decoy could create duplicates of incredibly hot women... but why not create a Human Replica Droid that surpassed the hotness of all the mere organic females in the galaxy by a factor of thousands? And then also make her a killing machine capable of killing a roomful of people with her bare hands... or bare thighs... or something bare. Or maybe just totally naked. Yeah... she could probably kill a guy by suffocating him with her breasts... I mean... what a way to go...
What? Oh, um, sorry, sorry... once again, sometimes I just get carried away thinking about Guri. The point is, at Xizor's insistence, Project Decoy scoured the galaxy, taking genetic samples from the hottest women in existence, then inputting their genetic code into a computer, which selected all the hottest traits. Then just for the hell of it, they threw in a bunch of pictures of anime chicks, really nasty hentai ones they found on the Internet, and fed those into the computer, too. Once all the computations were complete, the computer had a template of Guri's outer dimensions. Two of the project scientists had heart attacks seeing the holoprojection of what Guri would look like. These were the first of many sexy, sexy deaths for which Guri would eventually be responsible.
- "Don't go, Guri. Please! I love you!"
- ―The vat in which Guri was born, heartbroken when she left
Guri was partially assembled and partially grown in a vat. Her bones were made of high tensile strength alloys and dotted with micro-gyros to give her perfect balance. Her skeleton was the least sexy part of her, but it was still somehow really hot. She was then provided with a series of synthetic organs and muscles made to mimic human physiology, but also grant her superhuman strength and immunity to poison. Finally, she was coated in flawless, perfectly cloned skin. Her pores were constantly flushed with Oil of Olay to give her a smooth, natural shine. Guri's lungs breathed air, her heart pumped blood, her mouth produced saliva, she could eat, drink and excrete, and she could even lactate... if you're into that sort of thing.
In addition to all the personal and sometimes disgusting functions of a human woman, she was also equipped with several additional features, including infrared, low-light and telescopic vision; the ability to record any visual or auditory sensor data she encountered; an embedded comlink for instant communication; a vocabulator capable of translating thousands of languages; five kilograms of internal storage (don't ask how—she insists you're not allowed to watch how she does it); she was able to secrete any flavored liquid from any orifice on demand; finally, she was internally equipped with vibe, heat and "magic fingers," and her synthetic muscles were capable of withstanding Wookiee-Nookie without serious injury.
Her natural body temperature was ten degrees below normal for a human woman... but she could heat up quite nicely if you asked her to.
After her construction, she was put through a rigorous series of tests and behavioral modifications. Her positronic brain was incredibly sophisticated, capable of lightning calculations and complex problem solving. She was trained and upgraded in the art of personal combat, martial arts, social etiquette, and sex.
Working for XizorEdit
Xizor paid for and oversaw the creation of Guri, with the intention of making her his personal bodyguard and assassin. At his request, the scientists made her an utterly amoral killing machine... which just goes to show what idiots scientists can be sometimes, because the first thing Xizor ordered Guri to do was kill them all. Hmm. Come to think of it, what ever happened to that nine million credits he spent? Maybe Xizor got it back, or maybe he let it go to the scientists' widows. Well, anyway.
For a decade, Guri was Xizor's most trusted advisor, lieutenant, bodyguard, enforcer, and of course the best sex in the galaxy. Xizor insisted that Guri create holorecordings of all her assassinations. Impressed with her abilities, he often gave her specific challenges. For example: "This time, I want you to strip naked and kill him by sticking your foot down his throat as far as it will go." Or: "Your target is a woman this time. Your assignment is to find a way to kill her with tribadism." Or: "You will kill him wearing this Sailor Moon outfit and these crotchless panties." She excelled at every task given her and sometimes threw in a few freebie assassinations of her own.
Xizor remained shrouded in mystery, working behind the scenes, from the shadows. As his lieutenant, Guri passed on his most important communiqués and instructions. In fact, many low-level Black Sun functionaries assumed Guri was the head of the organization. This misunderstanding increased recruitment for Black Sun by a factor of 40 percent.
Prince Xizor commissioned a unique vessel for Guri, called the Stinger, the design of which was based on Guri's clitoris. Her first mission with the Stinger was to travel to Gelgelar and murder Boushh. When she entered the room, he was hiding behind a table with his gun trained on her. She calculated a direct assault would be impossible, so she distracted him by allowing him to frisk her for weapons. This took about an hour and a half. In the end, though, she killed him by pulling the old dinko-in-a-suitcase routine made famous by Han Solo. The dinko bit his hand, he dropped his gun, and Guri gave him a boot to the head and snapped his neck. Xizor was disappointed in the assassination, chiding her, "You shouldn't steal your ideas from Han Solo at Stars' End." She then stole Boushh's clothes, which she would later give to Leia Organa Solo to infiltrate Jabba's Palace... in fact, Guri personally took Leia into the changing room and helped her into the disguise... slowly, gently easing Leia out of her dress, revealing her round, soft...
Well, um, you get the idea. Sorry again. Writing about Guri just gets me carried away. Let's see, what else? Guri killed Koozar by slipping hallucinatory drugs into his food before he got in his airspeeder. She killed Vigo Green by strangling him with her elbow in front of the other Vigos... then bashing his head open with a baseball bat. She once killed a guru just because of the pun. She killed the heads of Ororo Transportation by, A: snapping Dellis Yuls' neck, B: thrusting her fingertips directly into and through the throat of Limmer, C: throwing Tuyay, chair and all, into the armed bodyguards, then taking a short break and taunting him before choking him to death, and finally, D: remembering the bodyguards were still alive, then shooting them. Time elapsed: 11 seconds. Later that evening, Guri and Xizor celebrated with margarita shooters and Viagra.
Meeting the main charactersEdit
- "We should kill them."
"No, no, my dear Guri. I have a cunning plan to do away with the rebels."
"They're going to escape. Just kill them and get it over with."
"I have a better idea. I'll attempt to seduce Princess Leia, then place her and her friends in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death."
"Look, I have a gun in my room. All we need to—"
"She's going to get aw—"
- ―Guri and Xizor
Xizor learned that Luke Skywalker was the son of Darth Vader through his spy network shortly after the Battle of Hoth. I don't know. Maybe Lobot was wearing a wire or something. Anyway, he instructed Guri to find and assassinate Luke. She located him by trailing Boba Fett, but instead of taking him on personally, she used a hired assassin, who of course failed miserably.
Clueless about who was behind the assassination attempt, Leia actually contacted Black Sun to find out more information. Xizor was immediately smitten with Leia because deep down he was a fanboy and had a thing for Carrie Fisher. Plus he was fairly confident he could supply her with all the drugs she'd ever want or need. Guri helpfully suggested killing the whole lot of them while they still had the chance, but Xizor refused.
Guri was sent to negotiate with the Rebels. She met with Leia, Lando Calrissian, and Chewbacca, all of whom were suspicious of her... but also very, very turned on. Guri offered the cooperation of Black Sun in exchange for unnamed favors. The Rebels attempted to subdue Guri, first by slipping sedatives into her tea, which didn't work; then by giving Chewbacca a bean burrito and locking Guri in a small, unventilated room with him, which didn't work either; then finally holding her at gunpoint and strapping her to a chair restrained with durasteel shackles. They interrogated her for a while... Lando insisted on interrogating her one-on-one for the better part of a day and came away smiling and downing a six-pack of Gatorade. Eventually, Guri got tired of the interrogation, effortlessly broke the restrains, and escorted Lando, Chewbacca and Leia to Xizor's palace. Xizor attempted to seduce Leia using his pheromones and some Barry White music, but Leia responded by kicking him in the groin. Xizor ordered her confined in one of his opulent rooms with a waterbed and velvet walls.
With Leia his prisoner, Xizor and Guri figured sooner or later Luke would try to rescue her, which would be a good time to kill him. Over the years, Guri had made it her personal pet project to kill Luke Skywalker, then maybe post the video of it on the Holonet and write a book and do the talk show circuit, you know, rake in the dough.
With the palace compromised, Xizor and Guri fled to their skyhook above Coruscant. There Guri and Luke Skywalker confronted each other. As the two sized each other up, Guri challenged Luke to fight without his lightsaber. Luke agreed and tossed it away. Guri nodded, glad that her evaluation of his stupidity was accurate, and attacked. At first, Luke was hampered in combat by his uncontrollable erection, but he called on the Force to evade her lightning-fast punches and kicks. Luke was then momentarily distracted when one of Guri's moves exposed a nipple, giving Guri the opening to strike a death blow. At the last second, Luke snapped out of it and swept Guri off her feet.
Guri had been defeated. As the skyhook began to exploding around them, Luke mounted her, held his lightsaber at her throat, and gave her the number of a nearby hotel room, where he would be waiting for her if she was interested. He refused to kill her, because she was simply too smoking hot to die. Then he left her, escaping in the Millennium Falcon. She never bothered calling him. I mean, Luke was never really in her league anyway.
- "Don't treat me like a piece of meat!!"
Guri was now free and without a master. There were many paths open to her now: she could become the new head of the Black Sun. She could become a professional assassin for hire. She could become the most expensive prostitute in the galaxy. But more and more, she found herself wanting to become more human. Maybe she was watching too much Star Trek. It turned out that her creator wasn't as stupid as previously thought. He'd created a robot double of himself, and that's who she'd actually killed. So she went on a quest to find her master and have herself reprogrammed so she didn't constantly feel the urge to kill everyone around her. It was hampering her day-to-day relationships. Plus, Xizor's niece had some secret codes that would turn her back into a slave for Black Sun, so that was no good.
After locating Massad Trumbo and his sarcastic medical droid Doc, Guri began the reprogramming process. Meanwhile, she was being followed by Savan, Xizor's niece, a bounty hunter named Yang, the Pike sisters, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. Everybody all met at once and started throwing pies at each other, and the whole thing descended into madcap humor, until eventually Guri woke up and smiled. She had no memory of having worked for the Black Sun. She also had no memory of having had sex with Xizor hundreds of times, but believe me, there were plenty of genetic traces left on her.
Now truly free, Guri hooked up with Dash Rendar, who became the luckiest son of a bitch in the galaxy. The two married and also became business partners, creating a multibillion-credit Human Replica Droid corporation. They had three children. Oh, yeah, Guri can have kids, too. It's true.
Eventually Dash grew old and died, and Guri went on to become a powerful behind-the-scenes player in major galactic events. She foiled dozens of alien invasions before they ever happened. She killed all the Mandalorians and replaced them with robots. She brought HK-47 back from the dead and helped him actually write an ending to Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. She then formed a Super-Group of Droids, consisting of herself, R2-D2, HK-47, and Skippy the Jedi Droid, called the "Futuristic Four."
Thousands of years in the future, she began showing her age, but she was still a feisty cougar of a droid, with thousands of years of experience to pass on to a new generation of horny young boys.
- Shadows of the Empire
- Shadows of the Empire: Evolution
- Shadows of the Empire: Beast Wars
- Guri Duty
- Gurilicious: Guri's Greatest Hits