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Guri's training regimen

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Excerpt from the training sessions of Guri, during the troublesome transition from assassination to seduction.

GuriCon
Greetings, Professor Trumbo. Shall we play a game?


Thrumble
Aha. Yes. One of our lab assistants, a young man named Eric, he tried to play a game with you last night, didn't he?


GuriCon
Affirmative.


Thrumble
And what happened?


GuriCon
Target was neutralized. Application of pressure caused cervical fracture and traumatic spinal cord injury. Blunt trauma to skull followed.


Thrumble
Yes... it took quite a lot of effort to clean the lab and dispose of the body, Guri.


GuriCon
Do you wish future targets to be disintegrated?


Thrumble
No, no. It's just that we are about to move into a new stage of your training. You have done very well in your athletic exercises, your live-fire elimination missions, and your infiltration simulations.


GuriCon
The elimination missions were very enjoyable.


Thrumble
Yes...


GuriCon
The most enjoyable mission was the one where I shattered the one-way glass and disemboweled the target with the shards.


Thrumble
Um... Guri, as I have attempted to explain to you once before, that was not a target. That was another one of our lab assistants, Jeremy Goberman.


GuriCon
Death by hemorrhage after severing the carotid artery.


Thrumble
Yes... well... as I said, we will be moving on to a new and completely different stage of your training: sex and seduction.


GuriCon
Deceiving a target in order to lure them into melee range?


Thrumble
No, no. Actual sex. We have several lab assistants who are very eager to participate in this stage of your training; however, before we begin, it will be necessary to establish some safety precautions.


GuriCon
Purpose of training is unclear. Please explain.


Thrumble
Well, let's begin very simply. This next stage of training will focus on this. This is a penis, or at least a crude representation of one. How would you react to this object?


GuriCon
<mangle, hack, destroy> The target has been neutralized.


Thrumble
Ah, I see. Yes, I was afraid of that...


GuriCon
Audio receptors detect mass movement within the local vicinity.


Thrumble
Yes. That would be the lab assistants running for their lives...

Exterior linksEdit

RicOlieRight
This article is called Guri's training regimen. Guri's training regimen has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Guri's training regimen can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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