Hell Boy was a kick-ass Bounty hunter with a loving for Cuban cigars and cheap beer. He was also the son of Son of Satan. Pretty hard to live up to… Here's a basic dinner conversation with Mum and Pup. By the way, Mum is Darth Talon Also pretty hard to live up to… Here's how the conversation would start off… "So guys what did you do today at work in school?"–Darth Talon. Then the below would happen.
- Satan: "Pretty good…tortured a few billion souls, started a monsoon in Japan, an earthquake in LA, and swine flu in Europe."
- Hell Boy: "Umm…I got a B on a math test…"
- Talon: "That's great Junior…So honey tell me more about that monsoon."
- — a typical family dinner with the Satans
Pretty suckish life. Oh and his parents wanted him to be a Sith Lord…but he didn't have the power of the Force. How the hell that happened…I have no clue. So first he was disappointment to his parents, but then his parents got a divorce because Satan figured that Talon cheated on him with some mortal…Horrible childhood.
If he couldn't be a Sith Lord, he thought, he would be the most kick ass thing after Sith Lords, a bounty hunter. You get sex, booze, drugs, and killing all wrapped up into one job. A pretty nice one at that.
At first, Hell Boy was a corporate assassin. He would kill business rivals of his employer's, get paid, go home. He worked for many people, including:
- Obi-Wan Kenobi- Killing rival hermit
- Kermit-Killing rival Frog
- Darth Lucas- Killing Luther Campbell for copyright issues.
- Obama- Killing conservatives.
- Tom Cruise- Killing Jet Travolta. Guess who's the top crazy in Scientology now, John?
Then he started working for Fast Food mascots. A much easier job of taking out sixteen year olds with acne in bulky costumes, than killing the richest men in the galaxy. First he was hired by McSnotty's. He was to take out McSnotty's rival, the Burg-ear Wax-King. It was a seventeen year old Goth who needed money for art-college ear with a crown…not very hard to kill. Bam. One shot with a sidearm right through the earlobe and into the kid's head. Upset with his payment, two Snotty Meals and one dollar and seventeen cents in assorted change, Hell Boy killed Scotty McSnotty, the Giant nose mascot of McSnotty's. A pool of snot and blood formed around the body. Hell Boy drank it. He was going to prove he was tough.
Next came his stint with the Black Sun. It was the shortest job he had in his entire life. He assassinated one Republic official, and then had sex with Guri. He was fired. On, actually. It was only Guru's intervention that saved him. After promising he would come back for Guru, Hell Boy fled. He needed a new job.
After lingering in the unemployment offices for a few weeks, Darth Kong hired him to destroy a few planets. Darth Kong was impressed with his work when he was done and learned that Hell Boy was also an assassin. He hired Hell Boy to assassinate G*nkism head religious man, Robo-Pope, as Darth Kong ran a religion, K*ngism that rivaled G*nkism and wished to destroy it. Hell Boy shrugged and went off to finish the job because it paid well.
Hell Boy traveled to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, capital of all of G*nkism, and he found the Church of G*nk where Robo-Pope was giving m*ss. Hell Boy climbed up to the balcony and fired at Robo-Pope. M.A.D.C.L.A.W. shoved Robo-Pope off the stage, saving his life. Jedimca and his master Greyman leaped onto the balcony with their force powers and chased Hell Boy through the halls of the Church. He found himself in a dead end, trapped by the two Jedi. Realizing it was a do or die situation, he promised he would kill Darth Kong…for a price.
The Jedi went back to their superior, no, not the Jedi Council, or the Chancellor, G*nk, his godliness. G*nk, wanting to eliminate his enemies agreed to the plan and paid Hell Boy thirty-thousand and copies of House, Seasons 1 & 2, to pop a cap up Kong's ass.
Turning on KongEdit
When Hell Boy returned to Kong's lair he was summoned to the main hall immediately. Kong asked him why he failed to kill Robo-Pope. Hell Boy popped a cap up Kong's ass and that was the end of that. Or…not really. You see the other members of K*ngism there were there, didn't go along with Hell Boy. In fact they went against him. First Darth Hancock charged Hell Boy but was shot dead a foot away before he reached his target. Elvis leaped onto Hell Boy's arm but was smashed into the wall and died. Then Tom Cruise leapt on top of Hell Boy's shoulders and started screaming "I love her! I love her!", but he was thrown off and he broke his neck. Next, Hell Boy went on a shooting rampage and killed Darth Cullen and Darth Generic, blew off Kermit's arm, and clipped Simon the Killer Ewok's shoulder. He then sprinted out of the room and escaped back into the hands of G*nk. The servants of G*nk accepted Hell Boy as one of their own and he prepared himself to retrieve his lost love, Guri.
The Hunt for KongEdit
The news came out a few weeks later that Kong was still abroad with his healthy and living followers, Osama, Curious George, and AHSOKA!. Hell Boy, wanting to finish the job pursued the G*nk deniers. Traveling to the planet Tatooine II he found Curious George getting a tattoo of three bananas surrounded by a heart. He murdered the monkey and moved on. He then discovered Ahsoka and a Robo-bunny having relations. After rolling them down a hill for lulz, he killed them both. Then he chased Kong and Osama to a space port where they got on a ship and fled Hell Boy's wrath. Hell Boy then chased them to the planet Afghan where he found them having relations. Disgusted, he was about to kill the two when Simon the Killer Ewok leapt out from behind a rock and attacked the monstrous bounty hunter. Somehow, the fluffy Ewok knocked the Son of Satan over and pinned him down with a knife held against his throat. Meanwhile, Osama and Kong tip toed out of the cave. But Darth Clone was there to intercept them. He killed the two K*ngists. Then he freed Hell Boy from his captor. Out of respect of the Ewok, he let him live as long as he never defied G*nk again. The Ewok promised and left.
When asked by Hell Boy how Clone found him, Clone answered saying that he G*nk was angered with him because Kong was his former apprentice. Although Clone was not a G*nkist he respected G*nk's wishes and hunted Kong down. After telling Hell Boy this, the two parted never to see each other again.
The Hunt for GuriEdit
Hell Boy returned to Alabama without a word. He finished his preparations and flew to Coruscant. He traveled to where the Black Sun building was before, but it had now been destroyed and was a parking lot. Hell Boy then tracked Xizor to a third class bar on the bottom levels of the planet. He mugged the Falleen (He needed the credits after spending all that time in the US) and then asked him where Guri was. Hell Boy was told that she had left Xizor years ago and now is living with Steve Perry and their son, Drawkcab H'trad on Korriban. That is where Hell Boy went next.
Hell Boy arrived on Korriban and traveled to the suburb of Coolsville. After thinking about how stupid that name was, not realizing what it actually meant, he tracked down Guri's new home, which he then promptly kicked the door in. Drawkcab immediately started screaming and Guri ran in. When she saw her past lover she almost squealed. She told him he had to leave before "Steve found out". Then all of a sudden Steve Perry walked out of the bathroom and asked, "Before I found out what?" It was kind of like one of those TV dramas. Then Bill Cosby showed up and broke the tension by cracking some jokes. After he left, everyone was in a confused daze until Hell Boy started chasing Steve Perry around the house. He ran into a closet and locked the door behind him. Hell Boy waited for him to come out. Finally the door opened, but instead of Perry, it was Darth Awesome who emerged. Hell Boy shrugged and slammed his fist into Awesome's face. Awesome went flying back into a wall and broke through it. He then emerged and slammed Hell Boy into a wall using the Force. Hell Boy sprinted out and fired two shots at Awesome, but they were both deflected. Awesome the slashed Hell Boy across the chest. Hell Boy was crippled and "screaming for his mommy" as Darth Awesome would later say in an interview with the Galactic Inquirer. And on the Onion's web show. Maybe ‘'that's why they didn't take him seriously on NBC! Anyway just as Awesome was going to bring down his saber down to deliver the final blow he was shot three times by Guri. Guri then brought Hell Boy to her private ship and they flew off the planet.
They then became devout G*nkists and are still assisting G*nk in taking over the world to this day. The End. ;)
Personality and TraitsEdit
Although Hell Boy smokes Cuban cigars, he would have a joint every now and again. Between jobs one time, he became a joint-dealer and was very popular among the Republic Senators who couldn't get enough of the stuff. His favorite was Padmé for reasons I'm sure you can guess.
Although he never exploited this talent, Hell Boy was extremely good at checkers.
Behind the ScenesEdit
Originally, Darth Lucas wanted Hell Boy to be a full time member of K*ngism who would die at the hands of Darth Clone, but then Steven Spielberg suggested the creation of Elvis and it was not needed for Hell Boy to be a full time member. But Lucas liked the character so much he gave him a bigger part in the Fall of K*ngism.
The reason for Guri and Hell Boy's love is simple: the actors were married in real life.
Hell Boy was portrayed by Liam Neeson's son: Steroid Neeson.
- Star Wars XX: The Attack of Kongism