|Jabba Desilijic Tiure|
4 ABY, Tatooine
|Chronological and political information|
- «Looks like shit. Smells like shit. Tastes like shit. Good thing we didn't step in it.»
- ―Jawas scavenging the wreckage of the Khetanna
Jabba Desilijic Tiure, also known as Jabba the Hutt or sometimes slimy worm-ridden piece of filth, was a fat sack of bantha shit who spent most of his days lounging around in his palace watching nimble Twi'leks gyrate and dance, amongst other things that only a pervert would be interested in. Contrary to Rebel propaganda, he was not choked to death by Princess Leia. Instead, he choked on a sizable chunk of frog fillet in his Jawa juice sauce which had lodged in his throat. Likewise, contrary to Rebel propaganda, Princess Leia did not destroy his sail barge. It was, in fact, the explosion of Jabba's flatulence.
Early Life Edit
When Jabba was born, he showed his love to his parents by shitting all over them, as is Hutt custom. He then ate his parents, the doctor who delivered him, several nurses and one thousand (perhaps more, we may never know) gorgs. He then went to visit his grandfather at his empire, eating everything in sight (and everybody too).
Criminal Empire Edit
Several hundred years later (damn, he lived looooooonng) he attended the Boonta Eve classic, though he didn't watch it, he just fell asleep and pissed all over the front row. His male Twi'lek Bib Fortuna had to wake him up at the end.
For some reason or another, this gave him the idea of starting a ridiculously large criminal empire. Many criminals at the time thought this was a good idea.
The criminal empire ranged all around the galaxy, and would ship spice to all ends.
Its headquarters was Jabba's Palace.
No thug of his lasted longer than a few weeks as he tended to eat them.
Events Leading to his death Edit
He received a gift from Luke Skywalker, which contained two droids and some collypods. Then, well here's the short version: he tried to feed Luke to his rancor, put Leia in the sexiest outfit ever, and got blown up!
Legacy and Contribution to Society Edit
However, as Jabba proves in his earlier life, he was more than just a slimy worm-ridden piece of filth. During his brief tenure at the University of Sanbra he was able to find a cure for erectile dysfunction in some species and his paper on theoretical asstrophysics [sic] earned him consideration for a science accolade. Unfortunately for him, asstrophysics is not real science and he was laughed out of academia.
Jabba then settled on the birth place of all things whiny (namely Ani and Luke), where he started a shelter for homeless female Twi'leks who could not afford to buy proper clothing. Unfortunately, his constant exposure to Twi'lek dance moves and Bith psychedelic spice tests led him down the mob-boss path.