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Jake Groundhopper

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Jake Groundhopper
Biographical information
Homeworld

Ryloth

Born

18 BBY

Died

69 ABY

Physical description
Species

Twi'lek

Gender

male

Height

2.1 meters

Hair color

None. Ever heard of a fuzzy Twi'lek? Didn't think so.

Eye color

Feldgrau

Chronological and political information
Affiliation

Sith

Known masters

Unknown

Jake Groundhopper was the inarticulate son of Bananaskin Groundhopper, the backup Chosen One of the Force. Throughout his life he was discriminated against because he was Twi'lek, not Human. In fact, Jake could have destroyed the Death Star and saved the galaxy himself, but noooo, he was Twi'lek, not Human, and Galactic heroes have to be Human. I ask you, is that fair?! That's racism, that is! Ah, anyway, social justice rant aside, it was because of this discrimination that Jake turned to the Dark Side. Another influence towards this path was that his poetic soul was ignored because he was Twi'lek, and everyone knows that Twi'leks are only good for thugs or, if female, swine-flambe dancers.

Huh... "dancers"... That's sexism. Racism and sexism. Twi'leks were victims of oppression and slavery too, you know. Everyone knows about the Galactic Empire enslaving Wookiees and Mon Calamari, but what about all the Twi'leks? The Rebel Alliance brought back freedom and justice? Bah! I bet you didn't even know that Twi'leks used to be a great civilization! You didn't, did you? See! It's a conspiracy!

Uh... Okay, getting back to Jake Groundhopper...

Under the informal tutelage of Emperor Palpatine—who refused to take him as a formal apprentice because he was Twi'lek, not Human, I might add—Jake developed stealth and combat skills superior even to Mara Jade. But because he was Twi'lek, not Human, he never became an Emperor's Hand. Instead, he was made the Emperor's Lekku; which, except for the Emperor's Toe, was the lowest rank granted to Palpatine's agents. However, despite such bigoted treatment, Jake overcame all. And that just goes to show what determination in the face of oppression can achieve.

Unfortunately, such success by a Twi'lek, not a Human, made him enemies. One of these was Darth Vader. Another was Mara Jade. And the others were all the members of the whole Imperial Government. Jake was exiled to the Unknown Regions at the same time as Grand Admiral Lord High Toadstool Thrawn. Unlike Thrawn, however, Jake was not given a Star Destroyer: Palpatine assigned him only a Class-IV escape pod because he was Twi'lek, not Human. Overcoming this too, Jake mapped and annexed five hundred sectors for the Empire. But because he was Twi'lek, not Human, no one believed him.

Angry, indignant, and outraged at the injustice of Galactic society, Jake went home and died, after which he retired and took up golf until he died again, this time of Lukavian Flu. He could have been saved if given simple medical treatment, but his doctor refused because Jake was Twi'lek, not Human.

BiographyEdit

Childhood of an Oppressed, Discriminated-Against IndividualEdit

"Whoa... that's one killer meatball..."
―Jake Groundhopper

Jake Groundhopper was born on Ryloth, the date being, incidentally, his own birthday. His father, Bananaskin Groundhopper, was at that time a manual laborer—he could have been Lord of the Sith, the Chosen One of the Force, Hero of the Clone Wars, and Emperor Palpatine's right-hand humanoid, but he was a Banana Peel, not Human (how Jake came out a Twi'lek rather than a Banana peel has been subject to debate). Besides, the helmet would squish him. Jake, therefore, had an impoverished, deprived childhood with little to eat (other than his own father, who was a Banana peel-and he did eat him by mistake, thinking him to be breakfast). Jake had no mother. This was the opposite of the problem facing Anakin, who had no father. The Force was very, very mean that way. Furthermore, when he was six years old, his favorite brother Boc was sold to a Hutt real-estate dealer as a chair.

When Jake turned nine he, like his sixteen brothers and sisters before him, had to leave home to seek his fortune (where all his siblings came from is subject to debate; some claim they were adopted Banana peels). This proved just the beginning of the end of the beginning of the middle of the end of the beginning of his adolescent traumas. No sooner had he walked two blocks, then he was mugged by a paranoid Gamorrean belly-dancer who, unsurprisingly, was out-of-work. She bound Jake to an R2 unit while she beat him senseless. This was because, as a paranoid, she thought Jake wanted to put an apple in her mouth and roast her for Life Day. However, once the mistake was realized, she apologized and took Jake's wallet instead. Finding it empty, she again bound him to an R2 unit while she beat him senseless.

The local police saw it all, but because he was Twi'lek, not Human, did not interfere. Of course, this made no sense because they too were Twi'leks. It just goes to show how widespread was discrimination against Twi'leks.

Eventually, Jake found work as a coal miner on Sleheyron. The hours were long and the job paid little; nevertheless, he made the best of it. Also, coal was a useless product, but no one had told the corporate officer. Still, as the months went by, things began to improve. Jake was given a three decicredit raise and was made team foreman. But it was too good to last...

Jake was regarded as "cute" by his female coworkers. In true adolescent feminine fashion they promptly sought to braid his hair. There was, however, one problem: being a Twi'lek, he had none. So they braided his lekku instead. It hurt. In desperation, Jake killed them with a meatball he found in the cafeteria. Amazed at the ease with which his tormentors had fallen, he ate the meatball. It was quite tasty, actually, although it would have been better with a touch of garlic. Then he fled the planet.

Service to the EmperorEdit

Jake found his way to the Emperor's Residence and rang the doorbell. But since he was a Twi'lek, not human, nobody opened the door. He rang again, only to get an automatic message that His Evilness was out on Diplomatic duties. So he decided to take a seat in the lobby. But since he was a Twi'lek, not human, the staff took no notice of him. Actually, they let him get attacked by a walking carpet. They even joined the furry monstrosity in pulling on Jake's Lekku. This made Jake (understandably) very angry. Picking up a blender, he grabbed one of his crazier attackers and turned him into Jawa Juice. The rest fled in terror.

Despite this incredibly sick and violent act, nobody noticed. He got angrier. He grabbed the nearest Jawa and one of the staff people and stuffed them into the blender, creating a very special version of Really good Jawa juice. This sickened the management enough to send him in to the Emperor's Throne Room.

But upon arriving in the Sith Lord's Inner Sanctum, he found himself ignored again, as Palpatine was too busy practicing zapping people full of lightning to notice. This was because, after all, that Jake was a Twi'lek, not human. After watching the Emperor zap to his hearts content, he got the idea that maybe he should try to gain recognition. So he set out in an escape pod to gain a name for himself.

But because he was a Twi'lek, not human, nobody noticed when he conquered half the galaxy (twice!). Even the Emperor merely sent a congratulatory note bestowing the title of "Emperor's Lekku" upon him. Fed up with the Galactic Empire, he decided to go independent. He got into his escape pod and flew off in search of more rewarding pursuits.

Twilight of an EraEdit

After his disappointing life as a Sith scum minion warrior he flew out in his Class-IV escape pod. But his search for a better life was put in check when he got space-sick and vomited on the control board. Feeling miserable, with his ship drifting, Jake had little hope. But somehow the pod crashed on Ryloth, his homeworld. Tragically, Jake died shortly after landing from unknown causes. After this devastating event, he took up golf in his spare time, becoming a champion player. But because he was a Twi'lek, not human, no one paid attention when he won the golf tournament on Boonta Eve. Infuriated, he destroyed their planet. But because he was Twi'lek, not human, nobody ever noticed. Even the people on said planet never knew it happened. This shows that Twi'leks really were the most discriminated against species in the galaxy.

Just Plain TwilightEdit

The tortured, indignant, paranoid, outraged, discriminated against individual went back to his homeworld. To blow off steam, he blew up Ryloth's capital city. No one really cared because no one lived there anyway since they were social climbers and had gone to Coruscant. Jake was very depressed.

To make things worse, he caught Lukavian Flu. But the doctors refused to give him the antidote because he was a Twi'lek, not human. This was a terrible incident from which Jake would never recover. He died, and no one came to his funeral because he was a Twi'lek, not human. Or maybe they were just a bunch of sick jerks. Or both. Perhaps they never even knew he existed because he was a Twi'lek, not human.

Either way, it demonstrates the incredibly racist and evil nature of the Force.

AppearancesEdit

  • Star Wars: A New Hope - Social Justice Edition
  • Star Wars: Hair to the Empire
  • Star Wars: Dark Fork Rising
  • Star Wars: Last Complaint
  • Star Wars: Rogue Squadron: Pork-on-a-Stick
  • Yakov Bushido: Live in Berlin

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