Jean-Luc Picard
Biographical information




Physical description





1.78 meters

Hair color


Eye color

Dark brown

  • Borg implants
  • Artificial heart
Chronological and political information

United Federation of Planets

Known masters

James T. Kirk

Known apprentices

William T. Riker

"THERE ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS! ...Oh, wait, no, there's five. Heh, you're right, sorry."
―Jean-Luc Picard

Jean-Luc Picard, also known as Locutus of Borg, Baldy, Chrome Dome, Captain Hair, Colin Mochrie, Gay, Professor X, and "The British French guy", was the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, as told by The Picard Song. Picard was born the daughter of Asajj Ventress and her husband Grievous on Rattattattakkakkakkii, the homeworld of the baldies. When she was just a little girl, Jean-Luc was kidnapped by the evil forces of Mandalore the G*nkist and subjected to marathons of The Facts of Life for hours a day. It was during this time the young girl became absolutely infatuated with Natalie, further maddening the Mandalore. While watching the marathons one day, Jean-Luc found herself surrounded by dozens of Jedi Knights in an attempt to stop the Mandalore's reign of terror. Picard giddily began screaming girlishly until one of the Jedi Knights found and took the young girl to the Jedi academy on Coruscant. There, Picard began her training in the ways of the Force as a Jedi Padawan.

Tragedy struck the girl when she was brutally stabbed through the chest during a raid on the temple by Dookie. The person who stabbed Picard turned out to be none other than her mother, Asajj who had since allied herself with the Sith and Dookie. Stunned by what she was seeing, Jean-Luc was taken and trained by her mother, just as the Jedi Knight had done months before. She trained in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force for weeks until she finally transformed into the nicely evil Darth Five-Head. It was also during this time that she developed a romance with the corpse of Wookiee Goldberg, often telling the Wookiee her deepest secrets. As Darth Five-Head developed her own Sith empire, she found herself reverting back to her non-evil ways and was eventually kicked out of the Sith.

During a personal mission to destroy Sesamstraat, the Dutch Sesame Street sub-division, Darth Five-Head murdered all four members including founder Pino. As a result, Sesamstraat's supplier, Meneer Aart, sought his revenge on Five-Head and attempted to kill her, blowing the woman's ship up and launching her back into the Nexus.

It remains a mystery what ever happened to Jean-Luc Picard. Why she's on this wiki is beyond us. She'll be deleted before the night is over, but created again by some super geek.


Early lifeEdit


A young Jean-Luc Picard playing with a doll.

Jean-Luc Picard was born Jean-Luc Debbie Arthur Ventress Picard to mother Asajj Ventress and father Bea Arthur on Rattatak. While believed to be a male at first, the parents of Jean-Luc soon found that she was in fact female after seeing her personality.

As Jean-Luc Picard grew into womanhood, she soon found herself being kidnapped one night by the evil henchmen of Mandalore the G*nkist and brought to the Mandalore himself. While not amazed by his evil powers at first, Picard found herself being subjected to the evil that is The Facts of Life on a daily basis. However, to Mandalore the G*nkist's amazement, actually enjoyed the series and wished to become one of the girls in the show. She also found herself deeply in love with Natalie, admiring everything about the young girl. As time passed, Jean-Luc grew even more in love with her idol. At times, she would even dream of strapping Natalie to a bed and hobbling the poor girl.

However, during one of her many days of watching the series, young Picard realized she was in fact surrounded by dozens of Jedi Knights trying to end the Mandalore's terror. As she began girlishly screaming, a Jedi Knight soon came to her rescue and took the girl back to Coruscant, where she became a Jedi Padawan learning the ways of the Force.

Jedi - SithEdit

Picard stabbed

"Aw shit."

As Jean-Luc trained using the Force one day, the girl felt a massive pressure puncturing her chest. And no, it wasn't some rabid fanboy trying to feel her up, it was a vibroblade. After turning around, Picard found that her stabber was none other than her mother, Asajj Ventress, who had since begun working with the Sith. A massive raid on the Jedi temple had begun courtesy of Dookie and several other Sith, forcing Asajj to abduct her daughter out of fear of her being killed.

As Asajj and young Jean-Luc Picard made their way to the Sith academy, Picard's stabbing was doing more damage, nearly killing the girl before the pair made it to their destination. There, Jean-Luc was healed via the Force. Asajj began training her daughter in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force.

After several weeks of training, Jean-Luc became Darth Five-Head.

First mission - Wookiee GoldbergEdit

As Five-Head completed her training, she was sent off to the shadowy jungles of Kashyyyk to locate and retrieve the corpse of, per the Wookiee council-members. Apparently, Wookiee's corpse had been rotting and contaminating the air, making it difficult for the villagers of Kashyyyk to breathe. As Five-Head encountered Goldberg's body, she began having romantic feelings for the dead Wookiee. Jean-Luc had always been fascinated by Wookiee-Nookie and wanted to give it a try one day. She felt that her time to do so was now. As she propped the rotting Wookiee up behind her, Picard attempted to simulate Wookiee-Nookie. However, the attempt failed and she left Kashyyyk with Wookiee Goldberg.

Upon returning home, though, she received permission to stuff Goldberg and display the body in her apartment.

Disband from the Sith - DisappearanceEdit


"Aw naw I di'ent!"

As the days went by, Darth Five-Head felt that her evilness was quickly slipping away. As she prepared herself for a bath, Five-Head received a call from the Sith saying that she her title had been terminated effective immediately. Five-Head was out of a job.

She then began a peace-crusade throughout the galaxy, killing everyone that opposed her. Among her opponents were Sesamstraat, the Dutch sub-division of Sesame Street and planet destruction team. Five-Head, however, swiftly murdered the members and went on with her business. However she failed to kill Sesamstraat's supplier, Meneer Aart, who in return attempted to kill Picard. As Meneer Aart bombed Five-Head's personal vessel, the U.S.S. Enterprise, Darth Five-Head was launched into the Nexus, never to be seen again.

Behind the scenesEdit


Picard responds to those who claim he isn't "Star Wars" enough.

Jean-Luc Picard was portrayed by Ebenezer Scrooge in all his TV appearances, except for "One of Those Episodes Where They All Reverse-Aged," in which he was played by Doogie Howser.

Picard has been nominated for deletion more times than any other article.

In the timeline of starship captains, Jean-Luc Picard came after that guy who was friends with Ziggy and Al and The Shat, and before that guy who didn't have an actual ship and that guy who was very manly.

Jean-Luc Picard is especially known for the ability to destroy entire worlds just by bouncing a flash of light off the top of her his head, hitting the planet and effectively destroying it.


Many rabid fanboys debate whether or not Jean-Luc Picard was in fact a woman. However, upon reading her biography, the debate among the fanboys stop as all agree immediately that she is in fact female.

Many also debate whether or not Picard and the Enterprise were actually launched into another galaxy far, far away, and that Picard and her crew are now trying to find a way home. But seriously, that's just bullshit. What are the chances of that happening?

Notes and referencesEdit

Ad blocker interference detected!

Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.