- "Locking S-foils in snack position."
- ―Jek Porkins, before the Battle of Yavin
- "Stay on target? You deal with the towers! I gotta finish these chicken wings!"
- ―Jek Porkins, at the Battle of Yavin
- "I've got a problem here… I've run out of fries! Life isn't worth living!"
- ―The almost last words of Jek Porkins
- "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"
- ―The real last words of Jek Porkins
- "Big guy with chicken wings on your six!"
- ―An Imperial Pilot on seeing Jek Porkins
- "Eat this!"
- ―An Imperial Pilot, shortly before shooting Jek Porkins down
- "Repair those stabilizers and get me 15 cheeseburgers, or we're finished!"
- ―Jek Porkins, to his droid
- "Popcorn is finished!"
- ―Jek Porkins, shortly before the battle
Jek Porkins. For the purposes of comedy, assume that the article I am too lazy to write for this guy would include numerous hilarious references to his obesity and propensity to consume vast quantities of fatty junk foods. Perhaps said article would also link to a Photoshopped image of Porkins at the Battle of Yavin, with a bucket of chicken wings in place of his flight controls. It's funny because his greed would directly result in his horrific death. He was also Darth Fat Guy's brother.
Battle of YavinEdit
- "Why did you shoot him? You've caused more problems than you've solved!"
- ―Darth Vader, to the pilot who shot down Jek Porkins
As the Rebel pilots went to destroy the Death Star, Porkins' X-wing fighter broke down because he was so fat. Jek then had to go on a diet, postponing the battle for six months. When Porkins was shot down, he crashed into a wall, inflicting massive damage as he rolled down the corridor's of the Death Star. Contrary to popular belief, it was he who destroyed the Death Star, not Luke Skywalker, as he eventually broke through a wall and rolled down the shaft into the stations' reactor. The rest, as they say, is history.
- KFC, Shropshire town centre
- McDonald's, various
- Pizza the Hutt, All-You-Can-Eat Sunday