Jek Porkins
Biographical information

Twice as heavy as an ordinary baby, son of Colonel Sandurz


0 ABY, causing lots of damage

Physical description





Same as width (minus a little extra)

Hair color


Eye color




Chronological and political information

Fall of the Galactic Empire

  • Rebel Alliance
  • Arby's
  • KFC
  • McDonalds
  • Wendy's
  • Sizzler
  • Big Kahuna Burger
  • Any other Fast Food Chain
Known masters


"Locking S-foils in snack position."
―Jek Porkins, before the Battle of Yavin
"Stay on target? You deal with the towers! I gotta finish these chicken wings!"
―Jek Porkins, at the Battle of Yavin
"I've got a problem here… I've run out of fries! Life isn't worth living!"
―The almost last words of Jek Porkins
"Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"
―The real last words of Jek Porkins
"Big guy with chicken wings on your six!"
―An Imperial Pilot on seeing Jek Porkins
"Eat this!"
―An Imperial Pilot, shortly before shooting Jek Porkins down
"Repair those stabilizers and get me 15 cheeseburgers, or we're finished!"
―Jek Porkins, to his droid
"Popcorn is finished!"
―Jek Porkins, shortly before the battle

Jek Porkins. For the purposes of comedy, assume that the article I am too lazy to write for this guy would include numerous hilarious references to his obesity and propensity to consume vast quantities of fatty junk foods. Perhaps said article would also link to a Photoshopped image of Porkins at the Battle of Yavin, with a bucket of chicken wings in place of his flight controls. It's funny because his greed would directly result in his horrific death. He was also Darth Fat Guy's brother.


Jek Porkins confronts the threat of death optimistically

Battle of YavinEdit


Jek Porkins' final thoughts before death

"Why did you shoot him? You've caused more problems than you've solved!"
Darth Vader, to the pilot who shot down Jek Porkins

As the Rebel pilots went to destroy the Death Star, Porkins' X-wing fighter broke down because he was so fat. Jek then had to go on a diet, postponing the battle for six months. When Porkins was shot down, he crashed into a wall, inflicting massive damage as he rolled down the corridor's of the Death Star. Contrary to popular belief, it was he who destroyed the Death Star, not Luke Skywalker, as he eventually broke through a wall and rolled down the shaft into the stations' reactor. The rest, as they say, is history.

This article is called Jek Porkins. Jek Porkins has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Jek Porkins can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Jek Porkins.


  • KFC, Shropshire town centre
  • McDonald's, various
  • Pizza the Hutt, All-You-Can-Eat Sunday

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