- Jesus: "And thus I say unto you, there is no emotion, there is but peace..."
- Apostles: "Peace be unto thee!"
- — Jesus Christ educates his cabal
Jesus Christ, also known as the Nazarene, King of the Jews, and Lord thy God, was a Jedi Master and distant descendant of Qui-Gon Jinn. A member of the New Jedi Order from long after the Skywalker Epoch, the name of his birth was <insert name here>. A firm advocate of intervention beyond that of fighting the Dark Side, he preached that the Order should help the less fortunate, and that the rich of the galaxy should give all of their wealth to the poor.
At some point in his life, he was sent by the Order to help tame the Outer Rim. His ship, however, was sucked into a wormhole, which took him to the bass-ackwards planet of Earth. After several years of building up a following in the hopes of bringing tangible civilization, taking the name of Jesus Christ in the process, he was betrayed and crucified. With the Force as his ally, however, he was able to escape death. Soon afterward, he beat feet back to the Republic, asking the Jedi to send out scouts to watch and see what happened later.
<insert name here> was a talented polyglot, and could insult just about anyone in their native tongue, both before and after drinking them under the table, even though he was a peaceful person at heart. He was also very proficient in the use of mind tricks and using the Force to lift really big stuff.
- "They say there are great mysteries beyond the Outer Rim which, even ten thousand years after the final fall of the Empire, beg for attention."
- ―Mace Windu MCMLXXVII sends <insert name here> on his merry way
<insert name here> was a radical in many ways; he believed that the Jedi Order should become more involved in community affairs, using their influence to eradicate crime, disease, and poverty, in addition to fighting against the Sith and planet destruction. He was so adamant about the need for change that the Jedi Council, annoyed at his persistence, sent him off to the far edges of the Outer Rim to find his own patch of space to tame.
While traveling on his quest to find a suitable planet or moon that he could help to civilize, <insert name here>'s ship was accidentally sucked into a previously unknown wormhole. Carried millions upon millions of light-years beyond the Unknown Regions of the galaxy, he wound up on the outskirts of the Milky Way Galaxy, near a backwater, technologically primitive world called Earth. With nowhere else to go and supplies running low, <insert name here> landed his
completely intact and ready to be reverse-engineered badly-damaged starship in an obvious place a well-concealed location, situated in a canyon not not far from the Dead Sea.
Adventures on Earth
- "What a desolate place this is..."
- ―<insert name here> ponders the landscape
Not long after arriving on this new and hitherto unknown world, <insert name here> sought out what civilization he could, soon encountering a band of Roman soldiers. Disinclined to communicate, the cohort of legionaries attacked <insert name here>, forcing him to bless them for their sins. Learning of the existence of nearby settlements from a soldier who had, wisely, surrendered to hum, <insert name here> followed the Force's guidance, until finding himself in the province of Galilee. After months of getting to know the locals, and imparting to them the teachings of the Jedi Code in a form which they could comprehend, he earned the title of "Christ", and took on the name Jesus. With the population of Galilee brought into the fold after they assumed that he was the son of God, Jesus began to seek out other, like-minded individuals.
After several years of wandering, reaching places as far afield as London, England and Calcutta, India, Jesus Christ gathered unto himself a following of twelve trusted students, which he nicknamed "apostles": Hickory, Dickory, Doc, Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Yodel, Ziggy, and Rufus. With his entourage in tow, Jesus Christ proceeded to spread his version of the Jedi Code, which oddly enough loosely resembled contemporary Jewish teachings, to the masses. Needless to say, the ruling class didn't like this, so they conspired to have him taken care of. A thirteenth apostle, named Drawkcab H'trad, was tasked by the gentry with infiltrating Christ's cabal, which he did, pretending to be a humble joint-peddler. As the apostles needed a steady supply of weed, he was welcomed with open arms.
During his ministry, Jesus met a former prostitute named Mary Magdalene. Seeking redemption and a new life within his teachings, she accompanied him and the apostles on their travels. Jesus eventually developed feelings for Mary, which after a time blossomed into full-blown love. Eventually, Jesus and Mary married in secret; he informed her of his own Force-sensitivity, and the fact that the child Mary now carried would share these traits.
Darth Ruptus interrupts
Yo, Jesus, I'm really happy for you, you're my savior and everything, and Ima let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time! The best videos of all time!
Betrayal and "death"
- "Sorry about this, Jesus my man. It's not personal, just business."
- ―Drawkcab H'trad
Soon after having successfully joined the group, H'trad tipped the gentry off as to where the cabal of do-gooders were hiding. A legion of Roman stormtroopers was dispatched to "observe" the meeting, calling out those in attendance so that they could be "inspected" for plague. At the signal, H'trad pointed out the leader of the group, Christ, and the Romans immediately took the Jedi Master into custody. After a speedy torture session, the Pilate (who shall remain nameless) decreed that Christ was to be let loose. This angered the gentry, who through various means had managed to convince most common folk of the area that the Force and the Jedi were somehow evil (it is rumored that Darth Awesome was behind this rabble-rousing), and that Christ should be crucified. And, lo, so it came to pass.
- "Holy crap, these nails hurt like a muthakriffer!"
- ―Jesus, getting crucified
Being a Jedi, however, had its advantages. While nailed to a huge fucking cross, which he had had to lug all through Jerusalem, Jesus was able to use the Force to sustain himself. He used a mind trick to make the Roman guards and his fellow convicts think that he had died; meanwhile, he himself went into a healing trance. Three days later, it was a simple matter of Force levitation for the Jedi Master to leave his tomb. From there, he found Mary and the rest of his cabal, and told them what had gone down. After wishing them well, Jesus then prophesied that, eventually, one like him would arise that would continue where he had left off. Confident that he had sown the seeds for future civilization, Jesus beat feet back to his starship, leaving that ugly, bass-ackwards dirtball behind. Using the Force, he found the wormhole that had brought him to the Milky Way, which took him back to the Outer Rim.
- "Not that it wasn't fun, guys, but I gotta jet! Remember, there is no death, only the Force!"
- ―<insert name here>'s last words on Earth
Jesus Christ left quite an impression on Earth during his time there, obviously. Upon his real death, he bade the Jedi to conduct occasional reconnaissance missions to Earth, giving them the coordinates of the wormhole that had taken him there. Thus, nearly every flying saucer sighting today is, most likely, the sighting of a Jedi-piloted intelligence-gathering ship.
What he didn't tell the Council was that he had, in secret, fallen in love with an Earth woman and fathered a Force-sensitive child. This family line would continue down through the ages, until eventually, a new Jedi Knight would arise on Earth. It was Jesus's hope that by then, contact between the two galaxies would then be possible.
Personality, traits, powers, abilities, and all sorts of minutiae
- "He liked to listen. Whenever we sat around the campfire, talking about unimportant shit, he always had a smile on his face."
- ―Rufus, two thousand years after the departure of Christ
Jesus was a far-out dude, really. When he wasn't crying out for aid to the poor and sick, or looking deeply into the future, he liked to smoke a joint with his cabal, trading stories and carrying on most righteously. He also enjoyed alcohol; even in moderation, he could drink just about everyone under the table, including that Madclaw person. A talented polyglot, he could also converse with scholars from all over the world. Also, he was highly-skilled at mind tricks; so good, in fact, that he managed to convince a crowd of five thousand that they had eaten their fill on only three fish and five loaves of bread. One of Jesus' favorite Force powers was Force middle-finger.
Behind the scenes
Jesus Christ was created just to piss off a lot of self-righteous folks. Don't believe me? Just look at this page and all will be made clear as crystal.
- The Bible (Duh!)
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
- Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy
- Dogma (Mentioned only)