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Kendal Ozzel

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Kendal Ozzel
Biographical information
Homeworld

Carida

Died

Choked 3 ABY

Physical description
Species

Human

Gender

Male

Hair color

Gray

Eye color

Blue

Cybernetics

Spiffy mustache

Chronological and political information
Affiliation
Known masters
"You risked the lives of some damn fine pilots. Well, that's my job."
―Admiral Kendal Ozzel

Admiral Kendal Ozzel was as clumsy as he was stupid. (Sorry, COMPNOR insisted that be the first sentence of this article). Actually, Ozzel was a Human male who rose rapidly in the ranks of the Galactic Republic Navy, at each level becoming such an inconvenience to those around him that rapid promotion somewhere else was the most expedient means of getting rid of him.

BiographyEdit

Early careerEdit

"You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions, and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a TIE fighter in my life."
―Kendal Ozzel

Ozzel joined the Navy right out of high school, thinking it was an entry-level position in an accounting firm. He remained confused on this point even after two dozen sorties in a TIE fighter, in all of which he was shot down. He eventually figured out what was going on and kept a running tab of the cost of the starfighters that were destroyed in his squadron. Every month, as the costs mounted, he would give a presentation to his superiors. Eventually, they made him an officer.

OzzelDoctor

Ozzel, accidentally wandering onto the TARDIS

One of Ozzel's boldest initiatives was to alphabetize everything under his command: personnel, uniforms, weapons, code cylinders. He even alphabetized the controls in the starfighters, which confused the pilots and led to massive casualties in the units under his command. As the months passed, Ozzel became more erratic and confused. At one point he went missing entirely, wandering onto the TARDIS and helping the Doctor fight Sutekh the Destroyer. Imperial agents had to locate him and tell him he'd wandered into the wrong continuity, to which he responded that he was looking for Rebel spies and asked whether the corn on the cob was ready.

Command and the search for RebelsEdit

Needa: "Sir, Captain Piett is trying to prove you're incompetent."
Ozzel: "Well, I can prove that as well as he can."
— Captains Needa and Ozzel

Exasperated fleet commanders promoted Ozzel to admiral and gave him command of the Super Star Destroyer Executor, with which he was to commence a systematic search for the Rebels' new headquarters. With any luck, they hoped, Ozzel would accidentally stumble upon them, quickly be killed, and more competent commanders could finish the job. Captain Firmus Piett was assigned to accompany Ozzel everywhere and to make sure that the sillier orders the Admiral issued were safely ignored.

Soon after taking command, Ozzel hatched an elaborate plan to disperse bananas through the galaxy to search every habitable planet and moon for signs of the Rebels' hideout. Piett waited until he left the room, then changed the plan so that Viper probe droids would be used instead of bananas. When Ozzel got word of this insubordination, he gave Piett a good, hard glare.

Discovery of the RebelsEdit

"We may have found a Rebel outpost, sir."
"Good. Call ahead and tell them we're having stroganoff and potatoes au gratin."
"Call the...
Rebels, sir?"
"Certainly! I'll not have this mission endangered by our lack of common courtesy."
[whump!] "Captain Piett, have this bulkhead removed immediately."
―Ozzel and Captain Piett

When a Viper probe droid sent back a signal from Hoth that indicated human habitation, Piett immediately notified Ozzel, making sure that Darth Vader was within earshot. Piett showed him the images obtained of an immense power generator, which Ozzel immediately dismissed, saying, "That may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato, or perhaps smugglers." Piett insisted, in a somewhat louder voice, that the image was indeed of a power generator and likely a Rebel installation due to its size. Vader overheard this, and demanded that the fleet divert its course to the Hoth system. It took Ozzel a minute to figure out what had happened, but when he did, he gave Piett a good, hard glare.

OzzelHitler

Ozzel's spiffy new uniforms would have made a big splash at Imperial Command, but he died before the big unveiling

In an effort to make himself appear useful, Ozzel devised an elaborate new system of salutes, officer protocols, and a new uniform. His salute system included making elaborate circles with the arm, one circle for each pip on the insignia of the officer to which the salute was directed, followed by a deep bow for Sith Lords. His uniform, complemented by a sharp haircut, over-affected comb-over, and neatly trimmed thin mustache, was his masterpiece. He intended to reveal his new protocols at the next officers' meeting and bring about a massive coup d'etat in Imperial public relations.

"Distribute these to all crewmen."
"Muscle stims and injector needles, sir?"
"Precisely. Our orders are to come out of hyperspace using steroids to cover our assault."
"I think perhaps they meant
asteroids, sir."
―Ozzel and Piett, before another good, long glare

In the midst of this, his fleet arrived at Hoth, and he insisted the ships come out of hyperspace fully within range of enemy detection equipment. "It's the last thing they'll be expecting," he reasoned. Though he was technically correct–the Rebels were not expecting such tactics–it did not provide the surprise he was hoping for.

DeathEdit

RicOlieRight
This article is called Kendal Ozzel. Kendal Ozzel has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Kendal Ozzel can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
WookieepediaLogoBouncing
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Kendal Ozzel.

Darth Vader, in his meditation chamber deep within the bowels of Executor, was informed of the situation by General Maximilian Veers. He immediately contacted the bridge by videoconference, and pulled out his carefully crafted voodoo doll of Admiral Ozzel. Vader then used his thumb and forefinger to choke Ozzel to death, all the while yelling in a high-pitched voice, "No! Help! I'm choking! Oh, no! Please, Vader, stop!"

Ozzel's final words were, "Tell my wife I love her." Piett attempted to inform him he was not married, but it was too late.

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