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Kreia

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Kreia
Arren Kae
Biographical information
Homeworld

Salem

Born

Unfortunately

Died

Life Day

Physical description
Species

Hag

Gender

Unknown

Height

Hag height

Eye color

White

Chronological and political information
Affiliation

Cabal

Known apprentices
"I only ask that you believe me when I say to not believe me."
―Kreia, on trusting others

Kreia, a.k.a. The Hag, was a bipedal humanoid of unknown gender, but with just enough feminine characteristics to merit the pronoun "she". Through a failure of its oversight committee, she was taken into the Jedi Order, first as a lightsaber target, and later as a student. It was because of this that her gender was uncertain. She was knighted clumsily by a fellow Jedi with a vibropike, which caused the loss of an eye. She became a librarian, and trained Revan at the wishes of the Council, whose members hoped that the not-woman prodigy's power would be stunted as a result. During the Mandalorian Wars Kreia spent her time reading old issues of National Astrographic magazines. When Revan started the Jedi Civil War, the Jedi Council decided that she, having been his teacher, was a convenient scapegoat, and severed her from the Force. Furthermore, the operation was done without anesthetic... so it hurt... a lot. Kreia then became disillusioned with the Jedi, and left to learn the ancient Sith mysteries of PARANOIA. Eventually, she became a Sith Lord, although certain feminists such as Atris insisted she had, in fact, become a Sith Lady. Her new Sith buddies PWNed her, however, so she went to stalk the Jedi Exile, who killed her. No one attended her funeral for fear of the Evil Eye. Isn't that sad?

BiographyEdit

Early lifeEdit

"Good God! What the hell is that!? Let's kill it..."
―Hospital nurse upon Kreia's birth

Born Arren Kae on the Planet of Salem, she was given away to the Jedi at an early age to study at the Salem Academy. Padawan to a Frog Jedi Master she mastered powers of unprecedented scale and soon rose to the rank of Jedi Historian. Highly regarded by her peers she was sure to be the Grand Master of the order one day but something happened she could not deal with, she got her first menstrual period. Her PMS rants started to scare the Salem population and they created counter measures to drive the Jedi off planet.

Salem HolocaustEdit

"I smell something burning... Speaking of which, I'm beginning to feel rather toasty..."
―The Hag
KreiaFrogRaping

I have you now my pretty!

Fascist underground movements on Salem swiftly corrupted the local municipal officials and a plan was made to rid their planet of Jedi. The library was first to fall after the local Farming Union set fire to it. Those Jedi who fled the scene ended up on the pitchforks of the pyromaniac aggressors. The Academy itself was next. All but a few Jedi survived by changing clothes and abandoning their lightsabers, pretending to be mere locals. Salem officials, however, were not easily fooled and rounded up the disguised Jedi along with random locals to put them trough a series of tests to see if they were Jedi or not.

These so called Jedi tests were as random as they were cruel—subjects would be mounted atop a pole in the middle of the town square and set on fire. If the subject burned to a crisp, they had to be a Jedi, officials thought, and the subject would be blasted to death just to be sure. Other ways of testing would be to tie the subject to a grindstone and throw them in a nearby lake of river. If the subject floated, they would be seen as Jedi and blasted. If the subject sank and drowned, they would be redeemed and their families would be compensated. (Some Selkath Jedi got off the hook with this.....get it off the hook.)

Kreia, however, never fell victim to these tests as she fled into the woods with her Frog Jedi Master.

Observing the atrocities from safe distance she slowly begun to understand the power of corruption, paranoia, and manipulation. One day a posse from town came across the abandoned house deep in the forest where she, her Master, and Seven Dwarves had set up their camp. Kreia used the Force to make herself unseen and started to scare her pursuers. One by one she made them stand in the corner while she read their minds to find what they feared most so she could project it upon them. Once her Master came back with supplies he witnessed what became of his former Padawan and confronted her. A duel erupted but to no avail, Kreia defeated her Master and ate him. After this she relocated even deeper in the woods to another house she made from sweets and candy.

Mandalorian WarsEdit

"No game of dejarik can be won without PWN!NG."
―Kreia, on everyday life

After a while things settled down on Salem and Kreia traveled to the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine in search of a student worthy of her knowledge, she found that student when she met Revan. Soon the Mandalorian Wars broke out and Revan along with his puppy Malak recruited numerous Jedi in their ranks to Counter PWN the Mandalorian invaders.

Jedi ExileEdit

Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

Brianna did not join the Jedi Exile's party because the Jedi Exile was/ is/ will forever be Female

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.
"Yes it's true, I'm your mother and I don't love you! P.S. you are going to look exactly like me when you grow up, now take me to Atris."
―Kreia, to Brianna

At the end of the Mandalorian Wars she gave birth to Brianna (yes, she did, fanboys, despite the biological obscenity of it) and stuffed her into a basket leaving her on the steps of the Telos Academy. With a new goal in mind she went to Malachor V and became head mistress of the Trayus Academy. After being PWN@G3D by her students Darth Sion and Darth Nihilus, she found herself exiled. Oh an while being PWND, she was raped.

"I was cast down, stripped of my powers, exiled. I suffered.... Indignities"
―Darth Traya, after being PWN@G3D
Den Haag

The Hag's hometown, Den Haag.

(Huzzah!) In her travels as exile she met another Exile, and joined her on her quest for poontang. These journeys accompanied by a Nal Vegas gambler, a pointy-headed bloke, a blind bitch, an Altar-boy with no idea where babies came from, a mobile trash-compactor, a firecrotch, a beach ball, and a golf ball drove Kreia to the brink of insanity. Which wasn't very far, of course. Fortunately, Mandalore the Buff and HK-47 were also on board to keep her in line.

Jedi Exile: "What is to become of my companions?"
Darth Traya: "Say what again. Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherfuckah! Say what one more goddamn time."
— Kreia, having a vision of Mace Windu

When the summit of her patience was finally reached, The Hag lost it; she went on to PWN three Jedi Masters, pissed off Atris some more, and traveled to Malachor V to await her nemesis, who soon arrived and kicked her old ass in the Trayus core.

AftermathEdit

Head on stick

headless Kreia coming to haunt YOU!

This was not the end for her. After this defeat she moved to a beautiful land called OZ and proceeded to torment the locals, until the prime real-estate residence of Kansas inhabitant Dorothy dropped on her head. Outcast once again, she went to an Unknown planet and formed the Cabal. Thousands of years later this information reached Kyle Katarn. In an effort to stop the Cabal, He used his Bryar pistol and shot a hole in the space-time continuum and traveled to Kreia. In a short duel He chopped of her head and went back to His own time.

This however was not her end. She could use the Force to regain her life, albeit without a torso, continued to torment sentients until the end of time.

This was not her end.

Behind the scenesEdit

"(distorted) It will burn, in waves of fire, and pain, and war! You will all die! I... am feeling sleepy."
―The Hag on a bad day.

In Kotor II Kreia talks about every character with disrespect with the exception of Canderous Ordo. This is because during the Mandalorian Wars Canderous dared Yusanis of France Echani to prove his courage and screw the ugliest woman he could find. Kreia was grateful for this, hence her suitably subservient behavior towards Mandalore the Buff.

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