Lieutenant Kettch
Biographical information



Some time before the battle of Endor


Unknown (NEVER)

Physical description






Hair color

Brownish black, all over his damn body

Eye color

He has them, but nobody has gotten close enough to see them and live to tell the tale


Multiple force enhancing implants

Chronological and political information

New Republic onwards


New Republic

Known masters

Darth Vader

Known apprentices

Was too leet to have an apprentice

"Bleed and die! Yub, yub!"
―Kettch's catchphrase

Lieutenant Kettch was the most leet Sith Mega-Super-Overlord in existence. In fact, his power was only surpassed by that of Kyle Katarn. After being genetically modified by the estranged Warlord Zsinj, to make him more ferociously cunning than ever before (he was an Ewok after all), he joined the New Republic's Wraith Squadron. In the true Sith fashion, he later played a part in the destruction of Zsinj and his Super Star Destroyer, Iron Fist. His current fate is unknown.


Early LifeEdit

Kettch was born on the forest moon of Endor just before the Imperials began the construction of the second Death Star. Shortly before the Death Star's destruction he was taken from his family by Imperial researches so as to be tortured and Mutilated be genetically enhanced by Zsinj. Even at this young age, his darker nature was apparent to everyone living in his community.

Time as a captiveEdit

During his time as a captive of Zsinj on Iron Fist, Kettch has been confirmed to be responsible for no less than 590,782 deaths of Imperial personnel. It is believed that the actual number of Imperial personnel that he killed during this time may actually be triple that figure. Whilst the experiments performed on the young Kettch were nothing less than horrific extremely gentle, it is reported that they were responsible for trebling his IQ. At this stage he was also taught how to fly (how awesome is that? An Ewok Pilot!) and he also learned about the Dark Side and how to use his force powers under the tutelage of none other than Darth Vader himself.

Escape from the Iron FistEdit

After the death of Vader at the hands of Luke Skywalker, Kettch saw no reason to remain with the people who had tortured him treated him so kindly. Several years later, when his plans had been completed, he used his latent force abilities to convince one of his guards to let him go slaughter the crew of the Iron Fist and escape. From this moment on, he devoted his life to the destruction of Zsinj.

Wraith SquadronEdit

"Is that an Ewok?"
―The first and last time Wedge Antilles ever underestimated an Ewok

After a short period of time, Kettch used his force skills to convince the New Republic to let him join Wraith squadron as a lieutenant under the command of Wedge Antilles himself. After numerous missions, Wraith squadron destroyed Zsinj and Iron Fist with the help of Rogue squadron and a Mon Cal cruiser Kettch destroyed Iron Fist and Zsinj with nothing more than an X-wing and his leet skills, ridding the galaxy of another pansy who thought he could be as evil as old Palpy even though he had no force abilities whatsoever.

Showdown with Corran HornEdit

Corran Horn saw him as a threat to his superiority and challenged him to a lightsaber duel. Even though it was inherently unfair because of Corran's 10 foot long lightsaber, Kettch easily pwned him and threw him into an escape pod without any food, aimed toward the sun and programmed to self-destruct if he was rescued. Somehow, Corran was rescued by Leonia Tavira's Invids.

Other ExploitsEdit

After his expedition with Wraith squadron, little is known about the activities of Lieutenant Kettch. It is however common knowledge that he created a Planet destruction team to rival that of Darth Elmo's.

Number of planets Lieutenant Kettch has destroyed while you've being reading this:

[1]The fight between Lieutenant Kettch and Darth Coo-Coodus


The only other information available after this time is that he defeated half of the Vong invasion fleet by himself and that he absolutely PWNED Jacen Solo (a.k.a. Darth Caedus/Coo-Coodus) in a lightsaber battle.


  • X-wing: Wraith Squadron
  • X-wing: Iron Fist
  • X-wing: Solo Command


This article is called Lieutenant Kettch. Lieutenant Kettch has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Lieutenant Kettch can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Lieutenant Kettch.

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