Wikia

Darthipedia

Lord Hoth

3,209pages on
this wiki
Talk0
BrianBlessed FlashGordon Vultan
Lord Hoth
Biographical information
Homeworld

Sleheyron

Born

WHY!?

Died

1000 BBY, Ruusan

Physical description
Species

Human

Gender

Incredibly male

Hair color

Black and gray

Eye color

Brown

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

Old Republic era

Affiliation

Jedi Order

"WHAT A BATTLE! ARE THERE ANY SURVIVORS?"
"I'm still alive, sir. I'm grievously wounded, but I think I could pull through."
"HA HA HA! GOOD MAN! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
"Dennis."
"WELL, I'M GOING TO CALL YOU GORDON."
"But my name's De—"
"GORDON'S
ALIVE!!!"
―Lord Hoth, on the battlefield

Lord Hoth was a half-mad, boisterous, back-slapping, rowdy, energetic, booming-voiced Jedi who lived around the time of Darth Bane. When he was in a good mood, he was all smiles; he roared with joy in response to every little thing around him. When in a poor mood, he took out his lightsaber and killed random people by the dozens, all the while shouting "CRY HAVOC!" and "BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!"

As a youth, Lord Hoth envisioned himself single-handedly killing every Sith in the galaxy, once and for all restoring peace among all sentient beings. To fulfill his dream, he joined the Jedi Order and spent his days training in the ways of the Force... as well as climbing mountains, swimming across oceans, wrestling rancors, opening bottles with his teeth, winning power-lifting championships, doing single-handed push-ups a hundred at a stretch, and venturing out on dangerous exploratory missions to unknown planets, only to return with the entire populations of said planets in circus cages.

When war erupted between the Jedi and the Sith organization known as the Brotherhood of Darkness, Lord Hoth was eager to join the Army of Light the Jedi had assembled to oppose them. "BULLY!" he cried. "A CHANCE TO TEST MY METTLE! HA HA HA HA! THEY SHALL NOT FIND MY COURAGE WANTING!" Unfortunately, Hoth found that the Jedi's Army of Light was made up of untrained Padawans, hastily conscripted Force-sensitive children, and aging Jedi warriors.

Hoth: YOU THERE, BOY! YOU LOOK SAD. WHY? WE'RE GOING TO PUMMEL THE SITH INTO DUST! HA HA HA HA HA!
Boy: I'm... scared.
Hoth: WHAT? SCARED? SCARED OF WHAT? A FIERCE SITH ARMY THAT OUTNUMBERS US A THOUSAND TO ONE? BAH! LET THEM COME!
Boy: But... I've never fought in a war before. We'll be slaughtered.
Hoth: BAH, LISTEN TO YOURSELF! SHOW SOME SPIRIT, BOY! SPEAK OUT WITH THE PRIDE OF THE JEDI! SAY IT LIKE THIS: WE'LL BE SLAUGHTERED!!
Boy: We'll be... we'll all be slaughtered to the last man. We're all doomed!
Hoth: NO, NO, NO, BOY! LIKE THIS. DOOMED. DOOM!! DOOOOOM!! AND WE'LL DIE LIKE JEDI WARRIORS WITH THE BREATH OF RIGHTEOUSNESS IN OUR LUNGS!
Boy: I want my mommy...
Hoth: WELL, LAD, IF YOUR MOTHER WAS HERE, I'D PROBABLY WANT HER TOO. BUT FOR NOW, BUCK UP! TOMORROW WE DIE A GLORIOUS DEATH! HA HA HA HA HA!

His attempts to reinvigorate his army's fighting spirit generally failed. And as the great battle approached, Jedi vs. Sith, on the planet Ruusan, at last, doubt began to creep into Lord Hoth's mighty heart. In battles great and small, Hoth won resounding victories, but lost many promising Jedi. "THIS IS INTOLERABLE!" he lamented. "EVERY DEATH IS A BURNING NAIL IN MY CHEST!" In addition to feeling the loss of his fellow Jedi, Hoth was also irked by having to work alongside the Equine Jedi Valenthyne Farfalla, who Hoth described as a PONCING, POINTY-EARED PICCANINNY. Hoth found Farfalla's lighthearted manner and flamboyant fighting style utterly inappropriate for a somber occasion such as war. "MY GOD, MAN, WE'RE HERE TO KICK SITH ASS, NOT CHASE IT!" he proclaimed.

Hoth lost many personal friends in the war, including his close friend Pernicar... this sent Hoth into a wild rage. He charged into battle with the Sith who had slain his friend, slaughtered them all, then tied their bodies to the back of his speeder bike and drove around the battlefield, smashing their bodies to bits on the jagged rocks of the battleground. Hoth then refused to bury the body of his friend. Instead, he kept it in his tent, while he refused all food and drink and sang bloody hymns to the heavens. At last, Pernicar's spirit appeared to him and convinced him to give his body a proper cremation. Hoth sacrificed pack animals and Sith captives at the ceremony, whose screams of anguish cut through the stillness of the night. Finally, he cut a lock of his own hair and tossed it in the pyre. "SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT. I MIGHT HAVE GONE A BIT OVERBOARD," he said. "I READ IT IN A BOOK SOMEWHERE."

Meanwhile, Darth Bane had convinced the leader of the Brotherhood of Darkness, Lord Kaan, to use a powerful weapon of mystical mass destruction against the Jedi army: the thought bomb. Unbeknownst to the Sith, this bomb would destroy them along with the Jedi, but Bane neglected to mention that, so they were all for it.


RicOlieRight
This article is called Lord Hoth. Lord Hoth has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Lord Hoth can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
WookieepediaLogoBouncing
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Lord Hoth.

Lord Hoth assembled his army and charged into the caves where the Sith were performing their activation ritual. Upon encountering their enemies, Hoth began a speech to put fighting spirit into his troops for the final confrontation. "LET THIS BE THE HOUR WHEN WE DRAW LIGHTSABERS TOGETHER. FELL DEEDS AWAKE! NOW FOR WRATH! NOW FOR RUIN!" and so on in that vein, and he got a bit carried away, and his speech lasted almost ten minutes, and really, he was just getting warmed up, but by that time, the Sith had activated the thought bomb, and both sides were annihilated in a psychic explosion. Silly sod. Still, what a man, eh?

Around Wikia's network

Random Wiki