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"Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of Chinese illegal DVD sellers, whores, or beatniks. We must be cautious."

―Obi-Wan Kenobi

Darth Secret, also known as Darth Vader's secret apprentice, Satan and Darth He-Who-Has-Yet-To-Be-Named, was an Ultra-Uber-Badass Sith who was trained as Darth Vader's secret apprentice. He was also really awesome and kewl with a capital "K". He could totally use the Force to push Star Destroyers about the place without breaking a sweat. Yeah, he could totally whup Palpatine's prune ass. Blindfolded. And he could beat God at arm-wrestling…

...Nah, that's going too far. Occasionally, the apprentice had strange cravings for Alaskan Burritos and another look at Aayla Secura. Darth Secret feared only God and the Energizer Bunny and he claimed that he had some of God's powers, including the power to destroy your planet just by thinking about it. Darth Secret had tried to practice this without much progress. He was an avid fan of the Boston Red Sox, whom he claims inspired his uber-powerful lightsaber creation dubbed "killer". Additionally, Darth Secret "secretly" enjoys raisin muffins.

• … that the video game crash of 1983 was caused by a pornographic Atari 2600 game called Vader's Revenge?
• … that Darth Cake was often served at Sith parties?
• … that Dave Filoni is a sherbert?
• … that Jesus Christ was a Jedi Master?
• … that Barack Obama has nothing to do with Star Wars?
• … that if you didn't know all this already, we will destroy your planet?