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Marka Ragnos
Marka Ragnos
Biographical information
Homeworld

Korriban

Born

Long long long ago

Died

5000 BBY (ghost still around)

Physical description
Species

Sith-Human hybrid

Gender

Male

Height

Over 2 meters with the horns

Eye color

Black

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

Old Republic era

Affiliation

Sith Empire

Known apprentices

Tavion Axmis

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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Marka Ragnos.
"I'll kill you with my spear and magic heeeeeelmeeeet."
―Marka Ragnos

Marka Ragnos was the Sith Lord who ruled over the ancient Sith Empire during the apex of its power, known as the Golden Age of the Sith. Nobody ever got around to telling him how stupid he looked in that big horned helmet of his. He was such a great evil dictator that nothing really exciting happened during his reign. Evil people got up in the morning, clocked in dutifully at 7 a.m., tormented the weak, took a lunch break, slaughtered the helpless, filed some TPS reports, then clocked out and went home to their evil wives and children. It was a time of prosperity and happiness for everybody except those being tortured and slaughtered.

Ragnos lived to be over a century old and retained power by pitting his enemies against each other or just killing them outright. One of his more favorite adversaries, Simus, challenged him to a lightsaber duel and got his head cut off. Then Ragnos, just to be a dick, appointed his severed head as one of his closest advisors.

Marka Ragnos died peacefully in his Jeep in the year 5000 BBY, because he liked round numbers. Immediately, there was a war for succession between Ludo Kressh, the stodgy conservative, and Naga Sadow, the new and vibrant liberal face of evil. This begun a long civil war during which the two Sith Lords rarely used lightsabers and mostly fought each other with starship fleets.

Ragnos, meanwhile, was dead. He sat back and enjoyed his retirement benefits as a Force ghost, advising potential Dark Lords of the Sith throughout the ages. He prophesied his vision of the future to Naga Sadow and Ludo Kressh before their civil war. He advised Exar Kun and Ulic Qel-Droma. He ignored Darth Revan when he came to visit his tomb, because that KOTOR plot was too complicated already. He did briefly appear to Darth Sidious in a vision, because he was kinda expected to, but it was a bit part.

Later, he got tired of being a ghost, so he formed an evil Dark Side cult to get himself resurrected. During this time, his ghostly form grew even bigger, more ridiculous horns on his helmet. His Disciples of Ragnos almost took over the galaxy, but Kyle Katarn and Luke Skywalker intervened. They sent their junior partner Jaden Korr to stop him. Ragnos completed some evil ritual or something and possessed the body of Tavion Axmis, a Dark Jedi who was... a really hot woman, actually. Marka Ragnos had never been in the body of a really hot woman and got so engrossed by fondling his boobs that he was quickly defeated by Jaden Korr and never got to take over the galaxy again.

Marka Ragnos's ghost remained trapped in his sarcophagus for all eternity. There he waited patiently for another woman to wander by. All his ads on Craigslist were ignored.

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