|Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi|
Human or Darthipedian...your choice
Of Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi? About 1.6735173947161873125409841 meters
I'd like to imagine them being blue-gray
|Chronological and political information|
Galactic Civil War
none... for now
- Palpatine: "Surrender, or else!"
- Olivia: "Why should I? No one gets in the way of Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna-"
- Palpatine: "I get it, I get it!"
- Olivia: "... Amidala Kenobi! There. I said it. I'm finished. Are you happy?"
- ―Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi's battle cry
Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi or simply Olivia Kenobi was a human female Sith Overlord. A strange girl with strange parents. You might have guessed it, but Olivia was the daughter of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the alcoholic Jedi, and Padmé Amidala, the totally hot yet stoned Senator from Nabooboo. Yes, this wiki does post lots of wacky stuff, but I'm sure you weren't expecting this. It actually makes lots of sense once you think about it.
Olivia was born on Coruscant about a month before Padmé and Annie decided to spend some more quality time together, which ended up with Olivia getting two lovely half-siblings. She was only about ten months old when the Galactic Empire was founded and her mom died. Her father Obi-Wan was charged with the care of lovely half-sibling number one, so he took her to Tatooine to be raised by him. Unfortunately, old Obi-Wan the drunkard had a craving for Jawa Juice that night. When he woke up in a Tatooine jail cell (which really makes you wonder what happened in that bar) he forgot all about being Obi-Wan and he took on the name of Ben. After being fined 200 credits for property damage Olivia was given back to him. He didn't know who Olivia was, so he sold her to a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord named Diane Vader and used the money to buy more Jawa Juice.
Diane trained Olivia in the ways of the Dark Side as thoroughly as she did with her other apprentice and son, Darth Vader. When she was twenty-one, Diane tasked her with the most grueling test ever: she was to write an article on Darthipedia and manage to make it an Featured Sith. It was difficult, to say the least. There was an incident that involved a rancor and a sarlacc, and Olivia barely made it out alive. On her final mission, Diane's ex-husband Palpatine captured Olivia and kept her on his Death Star to be one of his appendages while trying to sway her lovely half-sibling number one, Luke "Wormie" Skywalker, to the Dark Side. When that didn't work Palpy Force lightninged Luke, completely unaware of Olivia who sneaked up from behind and cut his head off.
Olivia finished her article and it still stands, today, as an Featured Sith. Unfortunately, she signed in under her master Diane's account while finishing the article so we don't know which one it was. But there have been several theories proposed by the great modern thinker Darth Obvious, so try taking a look at one of those to figure out this most perplexing mystery.
- Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Anakin's the father, isn't he?"
- Padmé Amidala: "No, actually you are."
- Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Oh...well in that case do you want to go down to the tavern with me and get some Jawa Juice?"
- — Obi-Wan Kenobi's response to learning he was going to be a father[src]
The reason why she gave her daughter so many names is because it was Naboobooian tradition to do so. What was Padmé's real name? Padma Cecilia Pooja Dritana Marvana Alana Amidala. She changed the "Padma" to "Padmé" because it sounded more French, but all those names were still present on her birth certificate. Wanting to honor the Naboobooians, she named Olivia accordingly.
Young Life Edit
- Diane Vader: "I can keep one of your prizes safe for you for money."
- Ben Kenobi: "Good. Take this one. I don't like this one, it whines and poops a lot, plus it smells like shit."
- Diane Vader: "Thank you for the mental image, my friend."
- Ben Kenobi: "Glad I could help."
- ―How Olivia Kenobi started her training as a Sith
Tragedy struck when Padmé died at the hands of the jealous Anakin, angry that his dream girl had relations with Obi-Wan. Yoda told Obi-Wan to take Padmé's son Luke to Tatooine and bring Olivia with him to do the dishes at his Dune Sea Lodge Obi-Wan was planning to open up. So Obi-Wan did, but he got a little sidetracked at the airport's bar. They had a contest to see who could drink the most gallons of Jawa Juice in ten minutes. Obi-Wan won, drinking 635 gallons, surpassing the runner-up's 43. That was when he passed out.
Obi-Wan woke up to the inside of a Tatooine jail cell with no recollection of who he was or what he was doing here. What was here anyway? Our bewildered drunken friend was dragged to a courtroom where the judge fined him 200 credits and handed him back Luke and Olivia. He had no idea why the judge gave him these children and in his drunk stupor thought he won a raffle or something.
Outside the courtroom, Diane Vader was waiting outside for her son Darth Vader to finish using the restroom in the soda fountain next door. Shocked that Kenobi could be carrying two Force-sensitive babies she questioned him. When he told her they were his prizes Diane reached the conclusion that there was definitely something seriously wrong with this man. A plan began to form in her mind. She offered to keep one of his prizes safe for 1500 credits, enough to buy Obi-Wan 750 gallons of Jawa juice. He agreed and handed over Olivia, walking in the direction of the local tavern and... you can imagine what happened to him after that...
- "The first thing to being a Sith is always being watchful. You have to listen to everything, look at everything, and read everything... Twenty-nine dollars? Are they freakin' kidding me!"
- ―Diane Vader teaches her apprentice about the Sith at Darth-Mart
Diane Vader raised Olivia in the same way she raised her son Darth: as an apprentice, except for the fact the Olivia was a lot better at it than Vader was. While Vader burned even water, Olivia was able to make chocolate soufflé in 23.2 minutes at the age of five. Without burning it. Awesome! And she took out the garbage when Diane was busy. Super!
Because of her amazing skills, Diane showed her a secret world that she hadn't allowed her son to see: the world of Darthipedia. Olivia liked Darthipedia, especially the article on Obi-Wan Kenobi (tee-hee), so Diane let her privileged apprentice open up a user account and even start making articles. But she didn't let Olivia nominate them for anything, which she really wanted to do. Finally, when Olivia was 21, Diane decided to let her make an article and go nominate it for a Featured Sith. Then her Sith training would be complete.
The Featured Sith Article Edit
- Olivia: "No! Another person is opposing my article. Apparently the intro needs to be longer. I hate this! I hope his planet is destroyed."
- Diane: "I hope you don't mean that. This person is an administrator."
- Olivia: "Yeah? Well I hate administrators. They're coarse and irritating and they're everywhere."
- Diane: "That's kind of what administrators do, honey."
- ―The uphill battle of Olivia's article
Olivia spent quite a while working on her article, then nominated it. Almost immediately, it seemed to her, people were opposing her left and right, saying they would support it if "this one thing" was added or fixed. What really ticked Olivia off was that they never fixed it for her and she always had to go on these dangerous missions in order to do so. But she finally got her FS, so who cares?
Jabba's Latin Grammar Book Edit
The Rancor Edit
- Olivia: "This just in. You know the Latin phrase I used in one of my quotes, illigitamè non carborundum: don't let the bastards get you down? Some user just said I used the wrong tense and I need to correct it. Do you have any Latin grammar books here?"
- Diane: "I'm afraid not. But I hear Jabba the Hutt has one at his palace."
- Olivia: "Why would Jabba the Hutt have a Latin grammar book at his palace?"
- Diane: "You'd be amazed at what Jabba keeps down there. Odd fellow, really."
- ―The discussion that led to Olivia's infiltration of Jabba's palace
One day, Olivia was monitoring the status of her Featured Sith Nomination entry when she found there was a new message saying there was something wrong with the Latin she used in one of her quotes. However, they didn't give a way to fix it, and rather than take such a brilliant quote down, Olivia decided to fix it with the help of a Latin grammar book. She asked her master Diane for one, but she didn't have any. Then she checked the public library, but there were only 5 million copies of Hot Twi'lek Girls Sourcebook to be found there. Finally, Diane told her that on Tatooine, with its literacy rate of .5%, had only two copies of books in Latin. The closest one was at Jabba the Hutt's palace of doom. The other one was at old Ben Kenobi's place, but Olivia knew well enough that the things she'd see there weren't worth a quote, no matter how brilliant. So she chose to go to Jabba's as the lesser of two evils.
Using a fake ID she obtained from a Mos Eisley dealer (wasn't difficult), she gained access into the palace just before the 8:00 rancor show. The eight o'clock rancor show was when Jabba's rancor, affectionately named Wormie, would devour loads of random junk Jabba wanted to throw away. There was more excitement than usual as the rancor Wormie would be devouring a strange wannabe Jedi, also named Wormie. Olivia, who had gotten a front row seat, was watching carefully. The rancor named Wormie was devouring some junk before starting on Wormie-the-wannabe-Jedi when she spotted the words Novo Ordum Seclorum, a Latin phrase, written on something between its teeth.
Not wanting her chance of getting her FS to be lost forever, our brave and determined friend Olivia broke through the bars separating her from the rancor Wormie and jumped up and down on it. In surprise, the rancor spat out the junk it was eating. Olivia picked up the Latin book and was going to run back into the bar, but Jabba pushed her back. Too bad she forgot to bring her lightsaber with her, but that wasn't too important. She'd take on Wormie, and the other Wormie too if need be.
Brushing away the petrified Jedi Wormie who was hiding behind her, Olivia broke off one of the longer sharp rocks for her weapon. Then, knocking out Wormie-the-really-bad-Jedi, she Force-hovered him right where Wormie could smell him. At the sound of the drop of Wormie's (the Jedi, I mean, not the rancor) body, Wormie (the rancor, not the Jedi) slithered in his direction and prepared to devour the unconscious snack. Not wanting Wormie (this time both of them, but primarily the rancor) to suffer this horrible fate, Olivia jumped back onto the rancor's body and stabbed it right through the brain with her weapon. It fell dead.
Now you know that Darth Lucas' films are definitely segregated against Sith, because in the movie it was Wormie who killed the rancor. Well, he did kill the rancor, except that Olivia was the one who stabbed it...and knocked Wormie out...and hovered Wormie to that spot so she could kill it...while Wormie was knocked out... but it was Wormie who gets the credit. After all, he was the bait.
Angered that they weren't getting their money's worth, the crowd demanded immediate compensation from Jabba immediately. So he scheduled Wormie and Olivia to be fed to the Sarlacc the next day right after lunch. Being the wily businessman he was, Jabba did this because he expected all the blood to gross people out just after eating so he could charge them for barf bags. Unfortunately for Olivia, Jabba took the Latin grammar book away from her so she couldn't fix her error. But she had bigger things to worry about for the time being.
The Sarlacc Edit
The next afternoon, Olivia and Wormie (the Jedi Wormie, the rancor is dead, the Jedi just should be) were driven in a not-exactly-prime-quality taxi to the pit of Karkoon to face the Almighty Sarlacc. Wormie was whimpering in fear, Olivia busy thinking, so she told him to shut up or she'd give him something to whine about, kid. Needless to say, Wormie kept whining. So when Olivia was led to the diving board, she had to improvise.
- "Hey everyone, wanna hear a joke? So a neutron walks into a bar, and he asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!""
- ―Olivia's way of stalling the crowd while she formed an escape plan
And improvise she did. Olivia could only do two things without thinking about them, and they were lightsaber combat and telling really bad puns she made up herself. She was devoid of a lightsaber at that time, so the jokes were her only option. While the crowd was getting bored and demanding she be pushed into the pit an idea finally took root in her mind. Taking the nearest person to her right, Boba Fett, she said:
- "Hey, look over there, Han Solo is right behind you! Oops! How clumsy of me!"
- ―Olivia when she pushed Boba Fett into the sarlacc pit
That's right, she took Boba and, taking his blaster, unceremoniously pushed him into the sarlacc pit. She blasted the man holding her lightsaber and ignited it. Meanwhile, Wormie ignited his lightsaber to roast some delicious marshmallows someone left behind. Stupid wimpy Wormie.
Olivia fought alone, killing dozens until everyone left was too cowardly to take her on. The she marched up to the infuriated Jabba and demanded the Latin grammar book. In a desperate move, the fiendish Hutt swallowed it whole, completely forgetting that the book was 1,579 pages and therefore more practical to chop it into tiny pieces first. He started choking hard. No one came to help him, so he died. Olivia, praying that her lightsaber would forgive her for this, sliced into the dead Jabba's innards with it, procuring her slimy but intact prize.
Later on, Olivia logged on to Darthipedia and fixed her article, telling the person who wrote the message she fixed it. As promised, the user pledged their support. But that was just the first among the many problems people had with her article. Finally, just when she was sure of getting it in at last, there was one more thing she needed to fix.
The Final Task Edit
- Diane: "How's the article going?"
- Olivia: "I just need one more thing. How do spell my middle name: Paloma?"
- Diane: "Let me see... P-E-L-O, no P-I-L-O, no P-O-L-O.... heck, why don't you just change it to Mary and then call me back."
- — How Olivia started her final task[src]
After weeks of grueling torture there was only one task left, and a humiliating task it was. One user complained that she spelled her middle name wrong, the one that started with the P, but they didn't tell her the correct spelling. As always, Olivia asked her master first, but Diane didn't know. From an unconfirmed source Olivia found that Paloma was the name of her mother Padmé's yacht on Nabooboo. It might be still there, for all they knew.
- "P-A-L-P-A-T-I-N-E. That doesn't spell Paloma, does it?"
- ― Olivia before being captured by Emperor Palpatine's stormtroopers
Olivia traveled to the Nabooboo shipyard on Theed and started looking. She saw the first three letters, P-A-L, of one ship, so she came in for a closer look. Immediately, she was blasted unconscious by a bunch of stormtroopers aiming for a target 50 yards away from her. Fearing that the Naboobooians didn't like girls being randomly blasted, they took her aboard. It turns out that this ship, The Palpatine, was owned by a man named Emperor Palpatine, Diane's ex-husband. Being a really old guy who enjoyed the company of young women and Olivia, at 21, being one of those, he took her to keep him company on his trip to Endor, where he was supposed to confront Jedi Wormie and turn him to the Dark Side of the Force
Aboard the Death Star Edit
- Palpatine: "The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural."
- Wormie: "No it isn't! I'll never turn to the Dark Side. It's cruel, evil, and smelly...like you!"
- Palpatine: "That's some tough talk from someone who uses their lightsaber for toasting marshmallows."
- — The conversation that Olivia had to endure before she finally ended it by killing one of those two idiots[src]
Olivia woke up to stormtroopers dragging her down the hall of the Death Star to the Emperor's office. Wormie was already there, but he ignored her while Palpatine droned on and on about the benefits of the Dark Side. Then he attempted to sway both of them, but especially Wormie into becoming his apprentices. Olivia didn't say anything, but Wormie did this huge ten-minute monologue about not turning to the Dark Side, concluding by telling Palpatine that his cloak made him look fat. Palpatine got so angry he shocked Wormie with a torrent of Force lightning. Pleased to hear him shrieking in pain, Palpatine added insult to injury by screaming Yo Mama jokes to him. It seemed that Palpatine was going to kill Wormie and insult Padmé at the same time.
But the Emperor had forgotten that Padmé was Olivia's mother too. Unlike her father Obi-Wan, Olivia's mom had almost been an inspiration to her. She was angry that he had the nerve to just insult Padmé. So she crept up behind Palpatine and, taking out her lightsaber, delivered the following message.
- "My mother's ugly, huh, jerk? Well, Yo Mama is so ugly that when she came out her mother found a note taped to her forehead that said "I'm Sorry!""
- ―Olivia, to Palpatine, just before she cut his head off
With that, Palpatine turned around and before he could react, she cut his head off. Dragging Wormie, who had passed out by that time, to an auxiliary TIE fighter, she and her charge landed safely on Tatooine just before the Death Star exploded. So that would be 4 times she saved his life. And Han Solo made such a big deal about doing it twice.
Completion of the Article Edit
- "I did it! It's alive! I name it: Article on Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi!"
- ―Olivia upon completing her FS-worthy article, at least from the perspective of Darth Obvious
As a gift for destroying the Empire, the rebels gave Olivia her mother's yacht, The Paloma, so she'd finally know how to spell it. With this piece of information Olivia finally finished her FS to great joy on everyone else's part. It was not, however, the end of Olivia's adventures, she made a notable appearance in Episode MMVII Think about the next FS article you see. Look at it carefully. Could be Olivia's. The closest guesses as to the identity of this article we have are from the great Sith Darth Obvious, but there could be other possibilities.
You may be thinking: can this be possible? Can Padmé really have bedded Obi-Wan? Did Olivia really kill Palpatine like that? And how did Palpatine manage to marry Diane Vader anyway? There is a simple answer to all of these questions:
Ask the blind man! He saw it all!