It was a cold night. A single star was in the sky above a shack in Siberia. Three wise men named Vladimir, Baldomir and Mikhail were making their way across the planes to the shack where a boy was born to a so called "woman" who had ridden to the shack on a donkey. The evil King Herod Nikolai II was killing all boy babies and feeding them to his bitch. This was the planet Coruscant. Nikolai II was actually called Finish Val's Orsm. And he ate babies. He ate babies like Palputin. But Palputin was too strong. Even then the Force was just so god damn strong in him that they thought he was a cooler version of the kid who whines. He managed to hide himself and bide his time, watching holo-records of Sesame Street, dancing Banthas and exotic performances. His mother allowed this, and bought young Palputin his own speeder, so that he could run over those god damn kapitalistsmadmen, who stole the intergalactic turnips through which the family of Palputin made a living. Yeah. They completely deserved their punishment. But, for his third birthday, little Palputin got a present that made killing assholes just that much easier.
This allowed little Palputin to grow into the big wide world of Sithdom, which now has free dental coverage and healthcare with reduced prices! Palputin learnt at the school of Darth Bird, before being transferred to the Academy of Darth Baker and finally the School of Vladimir Ilyich Nastyitch Scratchit Baldovich Itchy Itch Lenin-ovich, where he learnt the art of being a Sith. From that time onwards, he shaved his hair in the official style of Sith-dom, but could never quite pull off the beard. Still, Palputin was only twelve, and he was on his way to becoming one of the most awesome Sith ever, and the only one who was able to grow Caviar in his back garden! The days of growing turnips were over, for Palputin now ate Gungans for breakfast and Ewoks for dinner!