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Pino

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Pino
Pino
Production information
Homeworld

The Netherlands

Creator

Darth Elmo

Manufacturer

Darth Elmo

Product line

Cheap replicas of former leaders

Model

Big Bird model

Technical specifications
Gender

Feminine programming

Equipment

Many weapons, all of which resulted in equipment problems... A lot of equipment problems, including his shaft getting lodged while firing

Chronological and political information
Affiliation
"Jij bent getermineerd, moederneuker!"
―Pino brutally slaughtering an orphaned boy

Pino, also known as The Birdinator, was the evil Force-sensitive, Dutch cyborg created by Darth Elmo to fight against Gunter during his reign of terror on Yo-Mamaopolis. He was also the clone of Big Bird, Lord Elmo's former lord and leader of the dead Brotherhood of the Bird. When Elmo and his secret apprentice, Darth Animal traveled to Yo-Mamaopolis to exterminate the man, they found no use for the droid as Gunter was easier to kill than initially thought. Pino was to be decommissioned by the Sith. However, the killing machine slaughtered everyone around him, as the factory workers were unable to reach the droid. Within a matter of seconds, he had escaped "death" and was on the run. Being as he was deliberately made an unstoppable killing force, the Jedi and Sith were forced to team up to put an end to Pino's killing spree.

However, Pino had ideas of his own, attempting to find Big Bird and join the Brotherhood. What the cyborg didn't realize was that Big Bird had been long dead, killed by Dr. Dick-Smith Deez Nuts and Emperor Bob Barker. The bird managed to make his way to the shadowy jungles of Kashyyyk where he could feel the presence of the former leader. Upon arriving, Pino was met with an army of Jedi and Sith, led by Darth Animal. Pino swiftly murdered all of the Jedi-Sith forces and engaged in a long duel with Animal. After the first few hours, Pino began sensing that Animal was somehow related to Big Bird. This was correct, as Animal's mother, Wookiee Goldberg, was spawned using the guttings of Big Bird as well as other various sources, such as Wookiee pubic hair. While fighting, Pino was able to knock Animal unconscious, quick enough for the cyborg to search for his creator's lord. However, Pino soon found that the source of his feelings were in fact coming from Darth Animal himself. Pino searched the jungles of Kashyyyk, though, desperately looking for clues as to how Big Bird had died. While searching, the cyborg found the corpses of the long dead Wookiee Goldberg and the not-so-long dead Dick-Smith Deez Nuts, who had been killed only weeks prior by Lord Elmo and Animal. Pino's next stop was the home of Big Bird, Tatooine. There, he found the information he was looking for. Being a droid, Pino had no emotions upon finding that the leader of the Brotherhood of was dead.

After the search was over, the droid adopted the new name of Big Bird Jr. to avoid Darth Elmo and the Sith finding him. The cyborg settled down on Nestus where he drove a Jawa Juice delivery ship daily, shipping Jawa Juice to other worlds at little cost. However, his reign of terror was far from being over. Pino just couldn't put an end to his brutal ways. Just months after being hired, the cyborg quit, seeking the creation of his very own version of Sesame Street, the planet destruction team Elmo led. Before he knew it, Sesamstraat was being created. Hoping to run his creator's business right out of town, Pino was soon "confronted" by Elmo's henchmen, Bert and Ernie. After deactivating the bird, tying him to a chair, reactivating him, beating the lugnuts out of him and demanding he terminate this Sesamstraat he was creating, the enemies came to a wimpy compromise. Sesamstraat was instead to become the Dutch Sesame Street sub-division.

After the creation of the destruction team, Sesamstraat held on for more than six years, just barely surpassing their more famous counterparts, before Jean-Luc Picard assassinated the members of the group in what many called one of the bloodiest battles since Kyle Katarn's birth. Pino was "killed" along with his fellow members.

BiographyEdit

CreationEdit

As Gunter began his own personal war against the Sith for destroying his life-partner, Darth Pillsbury, Darth Elmo was ordered by Darth Darth Binks to put an end to Gunter's rage. As Lord Elmo and his secret apprentice, Darth Animal, traveled to Yo-Mamaopolis to exterminate the man, Elmo believed Gunter may prove to be difficult to kill. As the Sith Mega-Super-Overlord's time began running out, he quickly created his own indestructible cyborg, basing the droid's appearance after that of his former lord, Big Bird who had been long deceased at the hands of Dr. Dick-Smith Deez Nuts and Emperor Bob Barker. Naming him Pino, Elmo never got the chance to deploy the bird as Gunter was killed only several hours later. Pino even had his blaster shined. His hopes of killing the man never came to life.

PinoChase

The Jedi and Sith chasing Pino for murder charges.

Elmo: "Pino, you are to be decommissioned at once by my orders. Is there anything you wish to say?"
Pino: "Echt waar?!"
— Pino, just before escaping "death"

Arriving back to Coruscant, Elmo realized he had no use for the bird and quickly sent him off for decommissioning. However, upon arriving at the factory, Pino swiftly slaughtered all of the factory workers and escaped his "death". The cyborg was now on the run from being deactivated as he found countless of both Jedi and Sith chasing after him in one of the largest chases ever. Pino was headed to find Big Bird and join with the Brotherhood of the Bird, not realizing that both were long gone.

On the runEdit

As Pino just barely escaped off the world of Coruscant, his next destination was Kashyyyk as he could feel through the Force something was waiting for him there. Landing, the bird found himself surrounded by dozens of Jedi and Sith, led by Darth Animal. In an attempt to stop Pino, a massive battle against the droid broke loose, resulting in the Jedi-Sith army dead. All that stood in his way was Darth Animal.

A large lightsaber duel began as Pino attempted to kill his opponent. Swing after swing, the duel lasted an impressive four hours before Pino began sensing that his enemy was somehow related to Big Bird. Finally, Pino managed to knock Darth Animal unconscious and began his search for the dead Big Bird throughout the shadowy jungles of Kashyyyk. While searching, Pino put together what little knowledge he had and came to the conclusion that Big Bird might be dead. However, the bird disregarded his feelings and continued searching, only to find the corpse of Wookiee Goldberg, a Madclaw! Wookiee created by Dr. Deez Nuts using the guttings from the slain Big Bird. Pino, still disregarding his feelings, moved on to find the corpse of Dick-Smith Deez Nuts, as well. Having no where else to turn, Pino left Kashyyyk and traveled to Tatooine, the base of the Brotherhood's operations.

"Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars... So whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you. And so will I."
―Big Bird, in a spice-induced vision to Pino

Upon arriving to Tatooine, Pino met a spice-dealing Kowakian monkey-lizard by the name of Rafiki, nicknamed "the lowly pissboy", who showed the cyborg a vision of Big Bird in the clouds above. As Big Bird appeared, Pino freaked out and began shooting at the clouds. After Rafiki calmed the bird down, Pino's search was now over as Big Bird gave his words of wisdom, told his droid spawn that he was officially dead, and disappeared yet again. It was time for Pino to move on.

Life on NestusEdit

As Pino settled down for the first time since his creation, he adopted a new name to avoid being up by Elmo and the other Sith; Big Bird Jr. Pino was also hired as a Jawa Juice delivery boy on Nestus where he would ship the Jawa Juice to other worlds. During his career doing this, Pino encountered many people, one of which stood out. While preparing to deliver his juice one day, he was sent out to pick up a delivery. Upon arriving, he found that the deliverer was in fact Darth Jawa, who had originally trained his creator in the ways of the Force, as well as being the co-founder of the Brotherhood of the Bird. To his shock, the Jawa was in fact live and well after being killed by Darth Elmo. Pino met the Sith Lord and soon understood how he survived: Jawas have nine lives. Darth Jawa was just recovering after being ground up into Jawa Juice and drank by Darth Bob, so he was a little grumpy. Still, he could sense something with this bird. Just before Pino left with the delivery, Darth Jawa realized that he was in fact the droid the Sith were looking for. Jawa quickly called for help, just before being killed again by the cyborg. Pino barely escaped the Sith yet again, so he called in sick for the next several days, waiting for the Sith's response to die down.

During those days, Pino read about the adventures of Darth Elmo's planet destruction team, Sesame Street. Fascinated by their mass-planet destruction, Pino was convinced he could operate something very similar and run his creator out of town. The very next day, Pino quit his job and began his search for members of his very own planet destruction team.

SesamstraatEdit

Soon after, Pino traveled to many world in a hunt for members of the newly titled Sesamstraat. After weeks of searching, the bird found his members: Tommie, Ieniemienie and Purk. Additionally, Pino was also able to find a supplier of detonators, Meneer Aart. Now that the team was ready, there was only one thing left and that was to destroy their first planet.

However, they plan came to an abrupt halt as Pino woke up one morning to find a wampa head laying next to him on his pillow. Stunned by the head, Pino was even more shocked when Elmo's Sesame Street henchmen, Bert and Ernie barged into the room. Pino prepared himself for the attack, but wasn't prepared enough. Bert was able to temporarily deactivate the droid as Bert tied him to a chair. Upon reactivating him, Pino squawked as loud as possible in hopes of someone helping him. However, no one could hear the bird as Bert and Ernie beat the lugnuts out of him until Pino stopped. They came wanting the end of Sesamstraat and they wouldn't release Pino until that happened. After hours of negotiating, a result was reached: Pino was to make Sesamstraat the Dutch sub-division of Sesame Street. Additionally, Pino was able to negotiate the bounty on his head. Pino left the room a free cyborg, no longer having to worry about the Sith capturing and deactivating him.

Slow startEdit

"We are Sesamstraat. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile."
―The typical message any random starship would hear over their communications when Sesamstraat was near

While working with Sesamstraat, Pino and the team were able to rack up a mere fifteen destroyed planets, compared to Sesame Street's ninety-four. Business was slow for the group. No one wanted to hire them because as everyone knows, the Dutch are and always will be lazy bastards.[1] Despite their inactivity, however, they became the number three planet destruction team, sitting behind the Duo of Death and Sesame Street.

During several cases, the group was forced to steal some planet destruction variants made famous by their more famous counterparts, including the destruction of one's moon and the destruction of one's forest. They even went as far to mimic Sesame Street's move of destroying Yoyo's moon to destroy the planet itself, pulling the exact move on another planet. Over the course of several years, Pino and the others would often receive Wookiee-Nookie threats from Sesame Street's Darth Animal. After years of being the underdog, though, Sesamstraat became the number two planet destruction team as the death of Lord Elmo sent a rippling shockwave throughout the galaxy. Sesame Street eventually died out, bringing in more clients for their Dutch counterparts. Soon thereafter, Darth Donger of the Duo of Death was banished from the entire galaxy, making Sesamstraat the number one destruction team. Pino was thrilled by this. Of course, this also meant several attempts to dominate the group, one of which was led by Darth Oscar and his apprentice Oscar.

DeathEdit

PicardKillsSesamstraat

Jean-Luc Picard putting an end to Sesamstraat's reign of terror

At the celebration of their fiftieth destroyed planet, Pino and his entourage observed a man coming toward them through the crowd. Unfortunately, the team never got a good look at the man as his bald head bounced light off of it, blinding the group. As the man walked closer, Pino could feel Sesamstraat's life in danger. The man, now visible, turned out to be Jean-Luc Picard, a peace-lovin' pompous ass that felt Sesamstraat's work was evil. **ahem** Duh!

As Picard drew his phaser-pistol, Sesamstraat's members positioned themselves in attack mode. Tommie was quickly killed because he was a fatass. Ieniemienie was also killed rather quickly, being stepped on by Picard. Purk, however, put up a fight, being the granddaughter of Miss Piggy and one tough bitch. Purk furiously fired at Jean-Luc, but the blaster shots repelled off of his shiny head, swinging back and killing the young pig. Pino was the sole survivor of the group. The droid was able to do minor damage to the man before being killed himself. Pino was officially dead.

LegacyEdit

"Yeah, even I would have tapped that."
C-3PO's eulogy for the droid

Pino was remembered as one of those droids that should never have been created in the first place. Not long after his death, Meneer Aart attempted to take his revenge on Picard, blowing his ship up and sending him back into the Nexus.

SourcesEdit

Notes and referencesEdit



RicOlieRight
This article is called Pino. Pino has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Pino can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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