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Ponda Baba

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Pondababa
Ponda Baba
Biographical information
Homeworld

Aqualoria

Born

A tragedy for all involved

Physical description
Species

Aqualish

Gender

Male (rumored)

Eye color

Big, googly

Chronological and political information
Known masters

Cornelius Evazan

Ponda Baba was a Walrus-man from the planet Aqualore. The victim of a terrible birth defect, his spawning in 21 BBBY to his Walrus-men parents would set the tone for his unfortunate existence. The medical staff at his delivery were so horrified at his monstrosity of a face that they attempted an emergency infanticide. The little bundle of joy was only rescued at the last moment by his parents, who escaped the hospital. As soon as they saw him themselves however, they tried to rid themselves of him. Failing to sell him to a dealer in stolen children, they decided that heaving him out of a speeding car worked just as well.

BiographyEdit

Early LifeEdit

Ponda grew up an outcast among the Aqualorians. His face was so hideous for his fellow Aqualorians to see that he was told that his backside looked far better. Although no documentation of his original face survived, substantial eyewitness accounts suggest that this was indeed true. Mocked, tormented and shunned, Ponda lived on the outskirts of civilization. He most likely would have died on Aqualore, unknown to the rest of the Galaxy, were it not for the kleptomaniac and identity-thief extraordinaire Jodo Kast. Kast, after the failure of his latest scam, had been toying with an idea of running a traveling freak show. Learning about Ponda's unusual hideousness, Kast stole him (to the great appreciation of the locals). They traveled about the Galaxy, with Ponda as the main attraction. Kast would show first Ponda's backside, and then what passed for Ponda's face to the crowd, and would challenge them to tell which was which. This treatment did nothing for Ponda's self esteem, but gradually he became convinced that he had one good-looking backside. He reasoned that so many people could not be wrong in deciding which looked better.

Meeting with Dr. EvazanEdit

While at a showing on Cornelia, Ponda gained the attention of one of the planet's more respectable inhabitants. The good doctor was having trouble making ends meet, and decided that expanding his business into the burgeoning cosmetic surgery market would be a wise move. He had been unable to find a suitable marketing strategy, but upon seeing Ponda Baba, Dr. Evazan was struck with an epiphany. No matter how botched the surgery, advertisement featuring the before-after pictures would be a success. If this creature went under the knife it was inevitable that he would look incomparably better than before. Tiny glowing credit-signs dancing in his eyes, the doctor broke into the circus and freed Ponda Baba. It was not difficult for the doctor to persuade Ponda to join him. In fact, the prospect of being able to inflict injuries on other, more good-looking people nearly overwhelmed the ugly Aqualorian's neural circuits. But he had one condition for Evazan to meet: that the surgeon would graft what he believed to be his fabulous posterior as a transplant for his face. The doctor, although at first taken aback by this proposal, quickly realized that it would still be a massive improvement on Ponda's face and gleefully performed the operation.

Business with EvazanEdit

After the successful surgery, Ponda and the doctor relocated to a sand box. Using money from an Alderaanian insurance scam to set up their clinic, the demented duo began raking in the credits. The ugly natives were only too happy to pay for facelifts and implants, and if the doctor could work such a miraculous transformation on his assistant, they believed he could do anything. They would find out only too late that the doctor took the term facelift very literally, and his assistant was an expert at implanting explosive devices. Ponda Baba took on the role of spokesman for the business, and explained to the locals that the reason their relatives never returned was that they had left to flaunt their new looks in Vegas. The natives kept buying it, and Ponda and the doctor kept them looking "fresh". But eight months into the business, they suffered a setback when an unfortunate accident with a thermal detonator cost Ponda an arm. The doctor promised that he could save it, but it was a hopeless cause. Leaving Ponda sedated on the table, the doctor ran down to the meat market and grabbed a cut of premium Bail's Head Brand Ewok arm. Ponda awoke with a small, furry arm in place of his natural one. Fortunately for the doctor, Ponda was still too creamed on blue milk to notice the difference. Hoping to avoid his partner's temper when he finally noticed, Evazan took him to the local cantina to drink it off.

Ponda's one and only barfightEdit

PondaBabaArm

Ponda Baba's arm, shortly after being severed by the old freak. The appendage was turned into a dinner special by Chalmun the night after the attack.

While at the bar, Ponda began drinking like a fish (no great difficulty for a walrus-man). Somewhere after his ninth drink, a wormie little man sat down next to him. Through his blue milk goggles, Ponda thought he saw his old enemy Jodo Kast. Screaming in rage, Ponda lunged for the little wimp and tried to reach for his blaster. But his numbed, furry hand was useless. At that moment a smelly, filthy Hari Krishna devotee attacked him with a lava lamp. The fragile sutures gave way, and the bloody Endorian appendage fell to the floor. Ponda shrieked first in agony, and then in a rage as he realized that it was not his original arm. Turning on the doctor, he chased him out of the cantina and into the streets, drunkenly stumbling and blowing threats through his "mouth". Dr Evazan eventually calmed him down by showing him pictures of Mon Calamari from PlayFish holozine at him. The doctor promised to take another shot at the operation, and told Ponda that he would come out even better than before. When Ponda awoke by accident in mid-operation, he found he had two new arms, and the doctor was about to graft his head to his knee. Ponda leaped off the table and ran screaming into the night (although for physiological reasons flatulence might be a better description of the noise).

Later lifeEdit

Little information about his later whereabouts have been confirmed true by experts. However, reports were made of a horrendous zombie-creature conceivably matching his description dwelling in the ruins of Yavin 4.


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This article is called Ponda Baba. Ponda Baba has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Ponda Baba can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.
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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Ponda Baba.

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