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|A great pile of shit|
Darth Obvious' girlfriend
The same time as Lord of the Rings
Whatever the hell it was
English, Sand People, Lizard Speak
The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy was a series of movies chronicling the rise of the Galactic Empire, the downfall of the Jedi Order, and the birth of a legend. Basically, it was the adventures of Some whiny farmboy becoming a Jedi knight, failing, and then turning to the Shit for revenge after learning that there was some Sith Lord who had the POWAH to prevent others from dying, but not himself. So, he goes off and joins the Sith. And then there's crying, crying, and more crying, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DESTROY THE SITH, NOT JOIN THEM. BRING BALANCE TO THE FORCE, NOT LEAVE IT IN - *Forcechoke* Nobody gives a flying fuck.
In the first movie, a mysterious tatooed Sithie is hunting down little kids. What a pervert. A couple of gay Jedi land on Tatooine and disturb the peace of that place. "And he's still got twenty-four laps to go!" The Jedi youngling wants to leave his rock and become the most POWAHful Jedi ever so he has to do a "podrace" against a mutant spider, who tells him "In Soviet Russia, pod races win you." Anyway, off the kid goes after a teary farewell with his mum, and he only becomes more teary when the Jedi Masters reject him and say he is evil even though he is only six. Kicked out of being a Jedi, for some weird reason, even though he is the real Chosen One. I mean, he killed Palpatine!, the young one, his name is Ani, is trained as a Jedi and then... Well, Jar-Jar comes in and ruins it. But there's some politics on Tatooine which ends up with Padme laughing her fool head off at a reptile. Darth Maul fights Queer-Gonn and his assistant Obi-Wan above a pit, and foolishly falls in. 'Nuff said.
Finally, the trilogy begins to look cool. An evil bastard named Jango Fett is cloning himself multiple times, and therefore things begin to look good. Jango has a miniature clone named Boba who has not yet reached adulthood, and is therefore a cool Sith, and both are visited by Obi who wants to know the true purpose of the Clones. It seems that within five minutes of this the Clones become evil and are being watched by Palpy and his underlings on the desert of... let's guess... Tatooine.
This is by far the best movie in the prequel trilogy. A vampire attacks the Jedi and kidnaps the good old Chancellor Palpatine who is actually Darth Sidious and Chancellor Palpatine, although it is only in number four we actually realize this. Ani and Obi kill the vampire by impaling a silver stake through his heart and decapitating him, and then they are welcomed by Palpatine, who essentially says "I'm evil now." He begins to train Ani in the ways of the Fuck, using tales of a Sith who could prevent people from dying but not himself. Ani goes all wimpy and begins crying when he has nightmares of Padme dying. Padme is preggers but she hasn't the courage to admit it. Ani goes off and kills the only black Jedi when the only black Jedi threatens to execute Palpatine because he smells a rat. And rightfully so. A big fight ensues on Mount DOOOOOOOM, and then Ani falls in the lava and becomes Darth Vader, and it ends with Ani and Palpy looking at Darth Plagieus' nuts.
Generally considered to be fucking shit. The sequel trilogies were much better (and sometimes a lot worse). Nonetheless, at the least it's a very good story.